Ok…it’s been ages since I’ve put something really campy up, so here’s your laugh of the week! 
HOW TO TELL IF YOU’VE BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS
By NICK JEFFREYS
Roswell, N.M.
MOST people have been abducted by aliens, say some UFO experts – so odds are you’re one of them.
“Extraterrestrials possess the ability to wipe human memory clean,” said Dr. J. Albert Longneck, a UFO investigator from Houston, Texas. “You could be kidnapped once or twice a week and you wouldn’t remember a thing.”
But there are detectable signs that you’ve been taken aboard a spacecraft and examined, according to Dr. Longneck. Here is a revealing excerpt from his upcoming book Did I Forget I Was Kidnapped By Aliens?
•You’re drunk a lot – Aliens take advantage of boozers because they’re used to forgetting huge blocks of time and some really embarrassing stuff, said Dr. Longneck. ETs appreciate drunks because they don’t have to waste their memory- wiper ammunition, which is expensive. They pick up a lot of people stumbling out of bars.
•You are mentally ill – No one believes a psycho when he says he was in a space ship. Extraterrestrials take advantage of that fact by lurking around insane asylums and psychiatrist offices.
•You find a lot of puncture marks in your arms and you can’t remember injecting yourself – “These are from routine alien blood tests,” said the expert.
•During an X-ray, your doctor discovers you are missing an internal organ you know you were born with – “A lot of times aliens take out spleens, a lung, a kidney, an appendix so they can examine them closely,” explained Dr. Longneck. Despite their advanced intellect, sometimes they simply forget to put them back.
•You wake up and can’t remember everyday things like your name, the year, your address, your spouse’s name, etc. – “The alien scientists have sliced out a vital part of your brain,” said Dr. Longneck.
•You cut yourself and your blood is green – “This is when they’ve accidentally sucked out too much of your blood and had to give you a blood transfusion from their own blood bank,” explained the expert.
•You suddenly find yourself in a foreign country thousands of miles from where you live – “Aliens have a very bad sense of direction and can’t read maps worth a damn,” said Dr. Longneck. “They’ll circle around the globe a lot, then get disgusted and just give their human abductees the boot when it’s dinnertime – alien wives are not very understanding.”
•You look in the mirror and see that your nose is suddenly smaller – “Many extraterrestrials are interested in plastic surgery techniques and will try them out on their captives,” said Dr. Longneck.
•You develop an irrational fear of going to the doctor when it’s never bothered you before – “Your subconscious is telling you you’ve been poked, prodded, injected and probed enough,” said Dr. Longneck.
•You suddenly discover you are missing a limb – “You know you started out the day with two arms and two legs, and yet, when it’s time to go to bed, one is missing,” said Dr. Longneck. “This is an indication they have kept one of your limbs for dissection purposes.”
Published on: 11/10/2005
