Excellent Church messages

[SteveShaw]

This might be a little too IFC, but it's also appropriate for this thread...

When my older brother was in college, he was speeding along a twisty road in a VW Beetle, tried to take a curve too fast, and rolled the car. The VW was totaled, but my brother walked away without a scratch. When he got out of the car, he noticed that he'd crashed right in front of a little country church whose sign read, "THE BEST SPEED IS GODSPEED." I suspect that little coincidence had something to do with his later decision to go to divinity school and become a minister.

At least 25 years ago, when I was in my prime, I was riding my bike home from work one evening when a car which hadn't seen me pulled out and forced me to mount the kerb in a most jarring and unseemly fashion. The driver was mortified, and stopped to apologise. I noticed a sign in his rear window, along with one of those silly fish symbols, to the effect that Jesus saves us all, etc. Pointing to his sign, I informed him in language far too colourful to reproduce here that he would need far more than just Jesus to save him if I ever clapped eyes on him again.

[I.D.10-t]

My first car, an Oldsmobile, had it's odometer go to all sixes when I was passing a church. Man haven't thought of that in years. Then there was the time I had jumped out out of an apartment window to avoid a really weird friend of my roommate and saw a sign on a church that said "all welcome". The door was locked. That seemed odd to me because my home town's church didn't have locks on the doors.

[jsluder]

Then there was the time I had jumped out out of an apartment window to avoid a really weird friend of my roommate and saw a sign on a church that said "all welcome". The door was locked. That seemed odd to me because my home town's church didn't have locks on the doors.

That must've been one really dangerous dude (dudette?) if you were seeking sanctuary!

[I.D.10-t]

That must've been one really dangerous dude (dudette?) if you were seeking sanctuary!

It was a dudette, I could hear her keys that were always on her hip as she walked up the stairs. Gave me time. Not dangerous but...
...didn't want to be there.

[Pammy]

Adam blamed Eve
Eve blamed the snake
and the snake didn't have a leg to stand on.

[dwest]

and the snake didn't have a leg to stand on.

Back then they did.

[Lorenzo]

I was playing music in church a couple years ago (I know, I know), well, playing a nice old hymn that I'd converted and straightened out, and while looking at the window in the baby nursery in the back, I noticed a sign that said, "we shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed" (1Cor 15). I just about burst out laughing as I tried to focus on the notes at hand.

[Redwolf]

An Episcopal church in Ben Lomond, CA, used to have a sign on its parking lot that said "Church parking only. Violators will be baptized!"

Years ago, when we lived in North Carolina, in response to a new law that allowed people to carry concealed handguns into an establishment unless they were specifically prohibited, signs suddenly appeared next to all the entrances to our church saying "For God's Sake, No Handguns!"

Redwolf

[Seonachan]

make your own:

http://www.says-it.com/churchsigns/

[SteveShaw]

[Redwolf]

This is something of an aside, but...

I sing in a church choir. I sit directly in front of the tenor section.

Now, few people realize this, but the true function of the tenor section in a church choir is to make the alto section laugh at inappropriate times, usually by quietly messing with the lyrics in a way that is obvious to the people surrounding them, but not obvious to the director. Not only does it get a satisfyingly squeaky tremolo out of the altos, it usually has long-lasting effect, as altos have long memories, and can usually be counted on to lose their composure when that particular song comes around for years to come.

Some that still get me...

When chanting the psalm one Sunday, instead of singing the correct line after "weeping may stay for the night," the tenor behind me quietly intoned "if his mother says it's OK."

In the midst of singing what must be the biggest piece of schmaltz in the Anglican Communion ("I Sing a Song of the Saints of God"), the tenor behind me altered the lyrics to the second verse from "And one was a soldier and one was a priest and one was slain by a fierce wild beast" to "And one was a soldier and one was a beast and one got laid by a fierce wild priest."

And then there was the time when someone substituted the words from a Kliban's (sp?) Cats cartoon for the chorus of "All Things Bright and Beautiful": "Love to eat them mousies, mousies what I love to eat. Bite their little heads off and nibble on their tiny feet."

People think I'm overcome with religious devotion when my eyes start watering during Mass, but really I'm just struggling not to laugh uncontrollably.

And people wonder why we need our gin and tonics after rehearsal!

Redwolf

[Denny]

By itself the tenor part makes no sense.
The sopranos have the melody
the altos are there to make the sopranos sound good
the bass has the bass line
whatever note is left over the tenors get.

what else can the tenors do?

[mutepointe]

Join the folk group where SATB isn't used.

[Daniel_Bingamon]

It is a play on "Give An Inch, They Take A Foot", meaning (approximately) that any leniency will be exploited, or that charity is often greeted by greed.

Standard rulers (in the US) = 1 foot so it is kind of a pay on the two. Doesn't work in metric I am sure.

See, that's the problem with the metric system, it ruins a perfectly good play on words:
"Give a centimeter, they take a meter" - it just doesn't have any ring to it.

"They Take A Foot" can be furthered played out. They also take an arm and a leg.

It just doesn't measure up the same way.