What's the deal with women anyway?

[MagicSailor]

OK, first a government health warning:

There is some winging in this post.

I'm pretty regular at the yacht club bar here in St. Maarten. I'm there most Friday and Sunday evenings having a Presidente or two with a couple of friends.

A little while ago, a very sweet young lady started to work there and we had a bit of a flirt going, so Friday a week and a half ago I asked her out. She said she'd reply on Sunday, and on Sunday we agreed to meet at a restaurant the following Wednesday. (She has Mondays and Wednesdays off.) I waited an hour, she never showed up.

On Friday I was there again and she was most apologetic, gave me her phone number and we agreed to go out on Monday evening. The date was reaffirmed on Sunday.

On Monday (yesterday or today depending on how you see it since I haven't slept yet) I waited half an hour, then called her. She said she was still home, but would be there in half an hour. I went for a walk for 25 minutes, then came back and waited a further 45 minutes. That's a total of 1 hour 40 minutes spent waiting for her and getting more and more frustrated and depressed. I tried calling her again, but there was no reply. It's now 03:30 in the morning and I haven't had any sleep.

So, what's the deal here? Is she playing hard to get? Is she testing my persistence and resolve to see whether I'm really interested or just after sex? Because if she is, she is going about it in completely the wrong way. What she has shown me is that she is unreliable and that she does not respect me or my feelings.

I was very interested initially. I really thought she might have long term potential. Now I'm rapidly loosing interest. It doesn't matter much how I feel about her if she doesn't respect me and can't be trusted.

OK, so there are plenty of fish in the sea and all that, but this is pretty much the story of my life. Just in the past 4-5 months I've been stood up six times. That is, every woman I've asked out has said yes, not a single one has showed up. Women ask where all the good men are and I can tell you. The good men have given up. We're fed up with the bs! All my life I wanted a family. Now I'm 44 years old and am having to come to terms with the fact that it just isn't going to happen. Right now this makes my whole life seem rather meaningless.

So, please. Any single women reading this and anyone who has a daughter. Please stand by your promises and teach your daughters (and sons) to stand by theirs. It's much kinder to simply say no than to accept an invitation and then not show up. Even if you think he's as boring as a graveyard, there might just be a woman out there who will think he's wonderful, but they will never meet because he's given up after being kicked in the balls one time too many.

And before anyone says that my lack of success may have something to do with my choice of lifestyle. Well, I've actually had more success since I started cruising. And anyway, that may be a reason to say no. It's not a reason to say yes and then not show up.

I suppose I'll regret posting this in the morning, but heck, I wrote it so I'll post it.

Regards,

Owen Morgan

Yacht Magic
Anchored in the lagoon, St Maarten

My new blog.
Click here for my latest reported position. (Use the satellite view.)

[Innocent Bystander]

It's difficult to get the message across. Being friendly with the customers is part of the duties for bar staff. So she'll be as friendly as she can at work. And it's more polite to accept an invitation than cause offence by refusing it.
But she's not interested. You should leave her alone before someone gets the feeling you are harassing her. You can't win them all. Just walk away.
Commiserations.

[awildman]

Yup. She's not interested. She just doesn't know how to say no. Or rather, she doesn't want to. In my experience, women want to be objects of attention, and part of their makeup is to deal with that by dancing around a direct answer. Read: flirting. They want to avoid the root of things and deal with the symptoms/extraneous things. Ever wondered why women do things the hard way quite a bit? Because they're not too concerned with the goal, they're more concerned with the process. I don't mean this to sound bad, that's just they way they are. With variations, of course. Everybody's different. (I've found that many women think that the lack of a direct answer is an answer in itself. It took me many moons to realize that it is an answer, and sometimes I still don't get it.)

Here's how I look at this: If I ask a woman out, or ask them a question where 'yes' is the favorable answer, and there is any sort of waffling, beating around the bush, or putting off, then it means 'no.' If you're looking for a 'no' answer(less common scenario, here) and you get waffling, then the answer is 'yes' or 'maybe.' It's up to you whether you want to keep chasing after her, but from my objective viewpoint here, she is clearly not interested. Bystander there is spot on.

Sorry about your frustration. I've had a dry couple of years myself. Good luck in your endeavors!

[brewerpaul]

Let 'er go, mate. If she was really she would have been there the first time.
OTOH-- since it seems that she's not really interested, it would have been decent of her to tell you so in the first place rather than stringing you along.

[Jack]

OTOH-- since it seems that she's not really interested, it would have been decent of her to tell you so in the first place rather than stringing you along.

In my experience (haha, right?) she may not be consciously stringing you along, it just happens for various reasons and she doesn't even realize she does it. I do that a lot in relationships or would-be relationships and it's a bad character flaw. I don't know if it's a man/woman thing as much a a person thing.

[emmline]

Owen, she is--whether she means to be or not--rude. It is hard to say no upfront, but it's the best tactic.

Cranberry is right also. Some may do it without full realization. And some women are jazzed by the game of stringing men along. I know men who do that too. These people should be avoided assiduously once you're on to them.

Women who are worth your time will be honest.

[gonzo914]

Perhaps it's your choice of fishin' hole, and you're trolling in the wrong places. Daddy used to say to me, "Son, if you pick up a woman in a bar, sooner or later you're going to have to take her back." I never understood exactly what the hell he meant, but it seemed to make sense.

[izzarina]

I agree pretty much with what has already been said. Women really aren't all that difficult to understand (no matter what you boys think). If she's not showing up, and she has no real reason for that, then she isn't interested. Yeah, she should have said something, but some people would prefer to avoid rather than deal with the situation. It's far easier to be selfish and rude than it is to be selfless and kind, it seems

[mutepointe]

i agree, give up on this woman.

if this has happened with 6 women, that's another thing. you need to ask someone you trust and who will be brutally honest if there is something that you may be doing. you might also try meeting women in a place besides a bar. other than a physical attraction and an attraction to her at work personality, what do you really know about this or the other women.

i'm not sure what's available in your community but if you would sail as close to west virginia as you could get, i'd very much consider a ride back to st. maarteen to check things out. go to libraries, art shops, church, civic organizations, and volunteer your time with some organization that interests you and talk to women there. don't try to pick up the women, just meet them and talk with them. you'll see which women express and interest in you. and bathe and groom and have manners.

i prayed to God to find me a women and we've been married 22 years.

[djm]

and bathe and groom and have manners.

Really?

djm

[mutepointe]

two words: nose hair.

[susnfx]

On the other side of the coin...where do middle-aged single women go to meet decent, fun-loving, intelligent, liberal thinking men with a wide range of interests? Not having access to Owen's bar, I can tell you it's a desert out here (literally and figuratively). It's been so long since I was asked "what's your sign?" I can't recall if I'm a "Leo" or just "Help Wanted."

Susan

[Innocent Bystander]

decent, fun-loving, intelligent, liberal thinking men with a wide range of interests

You couldn't perhaps be a little less specific?

I honestly don't know. Over this side of the pond, there are women I know who have had successes (in their terms) from dating agencies and introduction agencies. And there is an organisation that doesn't introduce people, but rather organises a wide variety of singles activities, and people meet like-minded people there.

I'm married with kids. But the best approach seems to me, to do what you want to do to stay happy, on a regular basis, and as long as you are doing it where other people are, other people will find you.

[mutepointe]

go to libraries, art shops, church, civic organizations, and volunteer your time with some organizations that interests you and talk to the men there. don't try to pick up the men, just meet them and talk with them. you'll see which men express and interest in you. and bathe and groom and have manners.

I prayed to God to find me a women and we've been married 22 years.

as an addendum to my original comment, maybe it's just me but i don't think there is much attractiveness to people who hang out in bars all day wanting love to come there way. if that's what you do with all your free time, i guess that's your business but i would want someone who was a tad bit more productive with their entire lives.

[Tyler]

On the other side of the coin...where do middle-aged single women go to meet decent, fun-loving, intelligent, liberal thinking men with a wide range of interests? Not having access to Owen's bar, I can tell you it's a desert out here (literally and figuratively). It's been so long since I was asked "what's your sign?" I can't recall if I'm a "Leo" or just "Help Wanted."

Susan

hmmmm....
I think it has more to do with being in than anything else

Owen, if you want real girl troubles, come out our way.