Jokes

[CHasR]

Some of my currently favourite jokes:

What's the difference between pink and purple??
How hard ya squeeze!!!

How many divas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. She just stands there and the room revolves around her.

What's the difference between a soprano and a porsche?
Not many musicians have been inside a porsche.

How do you know you're being followed by a drummer?
You hear knuckles scraping the ground behind you.

What's the least used sentence in the English language?
"Have the banjo player's limo driver pull around the back."

How did Canadians come up with a name for their country?
They put all the letters of the alphabet in a hat and pulled them out:
"C, eh?"
"N, eh?"
"D, eh?"

George Bush

An Englishman, Scot and Irishman were lost in the sahara. They see a glint of metal over the next dune & scrambling down to it, discover that it's a genie lamp. They all three rub it at once, POOF! out pops a genie.
"Well!" says the Genie, 'Policy is, three wishes per customer, so I'll bend the rules a little and give you each one wish' genie says, thinking its a no-brainer, an easy days work.
'Ah, tae be back ta pub wi me boys' says the Irishman: POOF-off he goes to Antrim.
'Och, ta hae a roll in the heather wi wee Alice fae Auchtermuchty' says Jockie, & POOF, off he goes too.
'OK' says Genie to the Englishman, 'Isle of dogs for you?'
'NAAAH' says the Englishman: "I'm so lonely oi wish oi ad moi two friends back ere wif me!"


Do you;' s wanna hear the one about the penguin & the mechanic?

[gonzo914]

A family walks in to a talent agent's office -- a father, a mother, a teenage boy, a grandmother, two teenaged girl cousins, and a dog. The talent agest looks at them and says "Can I help you?"

The father then says, "We have an act, and we want you to represent us."

And the talent agent says "Sorry, I don't do family acts. Too cute."

And the father says, "Ours is different. Let us show you."

And then the talent agent says "Go ahead, but don't expect me to change my mind."

So then the father . . . . . .

< Fill in this part yourself >

. . . . And when they finish, the talent agent says "Wow, that is certainly an unusual act you have there. What do you call yourselves?"

And the father draws himself up proudly and says "The Aristocrats."

[KatieBell]

Here's one of my favorites. How do you kill a blue elephant?
.
.
.
Highlight here: <With a blue elephant gun.>

So how do you kill a pink elephant?
.
.
.

Highlight here: <Hold its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with the blue elephant gun!>

[anniemcu]

A family walks in to a talent agent's office -- a father, a mother, a teenage boy, a grandmother, two teenaged girl cousins, and a dog. The talent agest looks at them and says "Can I help you?"

The father then says, "We have an act, and we want you to represent us."

And the talent agent says "Sorry, I don't do family acts. Too cute."

And the father says, "Ours is different. Let us show you."

And then the talent agent says "Go ahead, but don't expect me to change my mind."

So then the father . . . . . .

< Fill in this part yourself >

. . . . And when they finish, the talent agent says "Wow, that is certainly an unusual act you have there. What do you call yourselves?"

And the father draws himself up proudly and says "The Aristocrats."

Mebbe I'm a bit slow today, but ... whah???

[Caroluna]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Aristocrats_(film)

The Aristocrats is a 2005 documentary film about the infamous dirty joke of the same name....the setup and punchline are almost always the same (or similar). It is the joke's midsection — which may be as long as the teller prefers and is often completely improvised — that makes or breaks a particular rendition.

The joke involves a person pitching an act to a talent agent. Typically the first line is, "A man walks into a talent agent's office." The man then describes the act. From this point, up to (but not including) the punchline, the teller of the joke is expected to ad-lib the most shocking act they can possibly imagine. [....]

The joke ends with the agent, shocked and often impressed, asking "And what do you call the act?" The punchline of the joke is then given: "The Aristocrats".

[anniemcu]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Aristocrats_(film)

The Aristocrats is a 2005 documentary film about the infamous dirty joke of the same name....the setup and punchline are almost always the same (or similar). It is the joke's midsection — which may be as long as the teller prefers and is often completely improvised — that makes or breaks a particular rendition.

The joke involves a person pitching an act to a talent agent. Typically the first line is, "A man walks into a talent agent's office." The man then describes the act. From this point, up to (but not including) the punchline, the teller of the joke is expected to ad-lib the most shocking act they can possibly imagine. [....]

The joke ends with the agent, shocked and often impressed, asking "And what do you call the act?" The punchline of the joke is then given: "The Aristocrats".

Ahh... ha... ha... ha...

[Caroluna]

Some of my currently favourite jokes:

How did Canadians come up with a name for their country?
They put all the letters of the alphabet in a hat and pulled them out:
"C, eh?"
"N, eh?"
"D, eh?"

I was in a conversation with a Canadian recently and we were trying to figure out what kinds of plants could be grown in that particular area. I had my horticulture book out and said "So what hardiness zone are you in, anyway? Here in MD it's 7b"
" I think here it's 6b, but I'm not sure the zones are done the same in Canada."
"Oh, you're right, of course! in Canada the zones must be 4a, 5a, 6a, 7a...."

[HampshireWhistler]

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

Their lips move.

[HampshireWhistler]

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day:
My name is Billy. What's yours? asked the first boy.
Tommy, replied the second.
My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do? asked Billy.
Tommy replied, My Daddy's a lawyer.
Honest? asked Billy.
No, just the regular kind, replied Tommy.

[HampshireWhistler]

Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?



New Jersey had first pick.

[brewerpaul]

This was one of my Dad's favorite old jokes...

Two little boys are sitting across the street from a brothel. They watch as a man knocks on the door and tells the woman inside "Mabel sent me". She asks him if he has money and when he says yes, she lets him come in. Some time later the man comes out with a big smile on his face.
The two boys watch this scene repeated several times, and then decide to see what is making these guys so happy. They go across the street and knock on the door. When the door opens, one of them tells the Madam "Mabel sent us". She looks at them and says"Do you have the money?". "How much do we need?" they ask. "It'll cost youse $10" is the reply (I told you it was an old joke). The two boys go through their pockets to see what cash they have and ask "Can we just get 75 cents worth?". The Madam tells them "I'll give youse 75 cents worth!" and with that she knocks their heads together and tosses them off the stoop.
The boys sit there dazed in the dust and one says to the other "It's a good thing we only had 75 cents. I don't think I could stand ten dollars worth!"

[Doc Jones]

Two guys are hunting when one falls over, apparently having suffered a heart attack.

His buddy calls 911 in a panic. He says to the operator "I'm out hunting with my buddy and he just just collapsed! I think he might be dead! What do I do?!"

The operator replies. "Just stay calm sir, the first thing to do is make sure he's really dead."

"Ok, ok" says the guy. "Just a second!"

The operator hears a gunshot and the buddy comes back on the line "OK what next?!?"

Doc

[WyoBadger]

In honor of bowhunting season starting up:

An city dude comes out to Wyoming on a guided hunt. The first day, the guide takes the dude to a canyon where he knows there are animals, and sends the dude in by himself.

"I'll meet you at the far side of the canyon," says the guide. "If you get in trouble or get lost, just fire three times in the air--that's the universal distress signal. Then wait a few minutes, and do it again. I'll find you."

So the dude heads off down the canyon. The guide hops on his horse and rides to the mouth to wait for him.

Darkness begins to fall, and there's no sign of the hunter. The guide begins to get concerned, and sets off to look for him.

After searching for several hours, the guide finds the hunter huddled under a tree, shivering and scared, but otherwise unscathed. "What happened?" asks the guide.

"Well, I saw a deer and got all excited. But it saw me and ran away, and I tried to follow it. Before long, I looked around and didn't know where I was. It was starting to get dark and I got scared, so I did what you said: I shot three times in the air. I waited a few minutes and you didn't come, so I shot three times again."

"OK, it sounds like you did the right thing," says the guide.

"After a few minutes, you still didn't come, so I went to shoot again, but that's when I realized I was out of arrows!! ..."

Tom

p.s. wish me luck tonight. }-->

[djm]

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men and asked, "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, "Robin Hood-All-Purpose, isn't it?"

And, thus, began Walter's life of celibacy.

djm

[s1m0n]

Back in the day, a friend ad libbed the answer to this one, an answer I've always thought was better than the one the riddler had in mind (which I don't recall, actually)

Q. How many Marxist-Leninists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. None, for the lightbulb contains within it the seeds of it's own revolution.