Tazers make cool toys

jsluder · Post by **jsluder** » Tue Mar 28, 2006 11:51 am

From rec.humor.funny:

For Sale: Slightly Used Tazer

I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion is my retirement and I was looking for a little something extra for my lovely bride. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool! I've seen several demonstrations for cops, but I found this handheld one for civilians.

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did it. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee... I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, her cat looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the cat) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping the cat for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-- always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY ****! DAaaaaMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body! in the oddest position. The cat was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't lodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly. SON-OF-A-BITCH that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs., give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round. Miss 'em...! Sure would like to get'em back.

I wonder what retirement day two will bring?

[Note - making the rounds - ed.]

Post by **Nanohedron** » Tue Mar 28, 2006 12:52 pm

Good lord. At first I thought that was actually you, Slude. I mean, it seems somehow in character, you know what I mean? I mean, playful writing style and a devil-may-care "what happens if I do this?" sense of adventure,you know what I mean? I mean, not that I think you're that frickin'... um...uh.......bored. You know what I mean.

jsluder · Post by **jsluder** » Tue Mar 28, 2006 12:57 pm

Nanohedron wrote:Good lord. At first I thought that was actually you, Slude. I mean, it seems somehow in character, you know what I mean? I mean, playful writing style and a devil-may-care "what happens if I do this?" sense of adventure,you know what I mean? I mean, not that I think you're that frickin'... um...uh.......bored. You know what I mean.

I wish it was me; I'd be retired, rather than looking forward to many more years of "gainful employment."

Post by **Nanohedron** » Tue Mar 28, 2006 1:07 pm

jsluder wrote:
Nanohedron wrote:Good lord. At first I thought that was actually you, Slude. I mean, it seems somehow in character, you know what I mean? I mean, playful writing style and a devil-may-care "what happens if I do this?" sense of adventure,you know what I mean? I mean, not that I think you're that frickin'... um...uh.......bored. You know what I mean.
I wish it was me; I'd be retired, rather than looking forward to many more years of "gainful employment."

You'd actually consider betazing yourself?

BrassBlower · Post by **BrassBlower** » Tue Mar 28, 2006 1:09 pm

jsluder · Post by **jsluder** » Tue Mar 28, 2006 1:14 pm

Nanohedron wrote:
jsluder wrote: I wish it was me; I'd be retired, rather than looking forward to many more years of "gainful employment."
You'd actually consider betazing yourself?

In exchange for enough money to enable me to retire today? Sure. ZAP!

Post by **Nanohedron** » Tue Mar 28, 2006 1:20 pm

jsluder wrote:
Nanohedron wrote:
jsluder wrote: I wish it was me; I'd be retired, rather than looking forward to many more years of "gainful employment."
You'd actually consider betazing yourself?
In exchange for enough money to enable me to retire today? Sure. ZAP!

I stand in the reasonable equivalent of awe.

jsluder · Post by **jsluder** » Tue Mar 28, 2006 2:34 pm

Nanohedron wrote:I stand in the reasonable equivalent of awe.

Don't forget to wipe it off yer feet before you enter the house.

peteinmn · Post by **peteinmn** » Tue Mar 28, 2006 5:49 pm

Best story I've read in quite a while!

brianormond · Post by **brianormond** » Tue Mar 28, 2006 8:12 pm

-Reminds me of self-testing the efficacy of pepper (OC) self-defence spray, just a snort mind you-after spraying a fingertip. -Worked as advertised!

Whistlin'Dixie · Post by **Whistlin'Dixie** » Tue Mar 28, 2006 8:33 pm

another Darwin award-winner ~ only he's lived to reproduce.

Cynth · Post by **Cynth** » Tue Mar 28, 2006 9:38 pm

You know, that was a good point. That a one second burst depends on you being able to control the gun. I wouldn't have thought of that either.

Flyingcursor · Post by **Flyingcursor** » Wed Mar 29, 2006 6:17 am

While a great story it reminds me of too many of the internet legends. Like the guy who soared aloft on a lawn chair with helium balloons.

I call shananigans.

Here's a true story though. I once had a little flower garden. There was a neighborhood dog that kept tearing up the garden. After complaining to the dog owners who did nothing to tie up the dog I bought a BB gun. I figured it would hurt just enough to keep the dog away. I didn't want to really hurt him so I tested the gun out on my bare leg. The BB stuck in my calf. Ouch.

BTW I never used it on the dog.

peeplj · Post by **peeplj** » Wed Mar 29, 2006 8:16 am

When I read this story I laughed until I was crying.

It brought back an old memory of my father's "safari."

When I was about five or so, we had a mouse problem.

My dad went into Great White Hunter mode, and got an old Crossman BB pistal out, not a CO2 pistol, just one of the cheap pump-action ones.

He was going mouse hunting.

Well, he sat up for hours, waiting for El Mouso to make his appearance, but, predictably, a watched mouse never shows.

This left my father sleepy, with a strong desire for bed, and a loaded and cocked BB pistol.

He decided a reasonable way to safely discharge the BB gun would be to take a pillow from the couch, put it against his leg, and fire the BB gun into that.

He thought there was no way the BB would penetrate the pillow.

He was, predictably, mistaken.

We awoke to the sound of my father "cussing a blue streak" as he dug the BB out of his leg.

Even through a pillow, a BB pistol at point blank range will put a black bruise on you the size of a quarter, also a lovely raised whelp.

My poor old daddy didn't always make good decisions in his life, but if he were still around, I'm sure he would agree that was one of the particular worst.

Best wishes,

--James

I.D.10-t · Post by **I.D.10-t** » Wed Mar 29, 2006 9:04 am

When I was in high school I had one of those radio shack 50-in-1 kits that you could make a burglar alarm, AM radio etc. I found that by using the capacitor, transformer, Morris code switch and a few other things that I could ramp up a nice jolt. This, however was nothing like the old telephone generator that one of my teachers had at school. The class would form a ring holding hands and see who would let go first as some one cranked the contraption.

Wet blanket time.

Tasers usually refer to the devices that shoot out electrical probes. The description of this device sounds like a stun gun. Stun guns need close contact to work this is a major drawback (by the time you can use it, you may have it taken away). I was touched by one of the hand held stun gun varieties and must say I was not impressed. Although the shock noticeable, I wonder if the surprise factor is what makes it useful. In order to ramp up the voltage, the device used alternating current and a transformer (I think) although this would cause localized loss of muscle control, it would not cause the paralysis and frozen, statue type of electric shock that you see in the cartoons. Unfortunately jokes like this continue the misinformation about such devices and give then almost mystical powers.

PS I do not endorse the recreational use of high voltage.