Chuck Norris (somewhat explicit language)

Henke · Post by **Henke** » Thu Jan 12, 2006 10:59 am

The Weekenders wrote:My teenage son has been coming home with Chuck Norris gags for the last week or so...so this list seems to be the mother lode...

There are more of them. There is acctually a site where anyone can post Chuck Norris facts, then people get to rate them, they come up in a random order. The top 30 is displayed in a list.

The Weekenders · Post by **The Weekenders** » Thu Jan 12, 2006 11:01 am

The Weekender rhetorically asks: why now?? Why Chuck, when Steven Seagal is so much more fertile for ridicule?

Loren · Post by **Loren** » Thu Jan 12, 2006 11:14 am

Following is an excerpt of Bruce Lee's Biography as listed on www.historylink.org :

" Over lunch one day, Green Hornet assistant director Charles Fitzsimon suggested Bruce teach students privately instead of relying on the $22 monthly fee he was still charging at his studio. Bruce began teaching Steve McQueen, Sterling Silliphant, and James Coburn. Roman Polanski flew him to Switzerland for private lessons. Bruce also began teaching karate men Mike Stone, Joe Lewis, and Chuck Norris. During their training with Bruce, they won every karate championship in the United States. "

The entire bio can be read here: http://www.historylink.org/essays/outpu ... le_id=3999

Loren

Edited to add the final, important, sentance in quotations, which I failed to copy by mistake on my first post

Wanderer · Post by **Wanderer** » Thu Jan 12, 2006 12:29 pm

Incidentally, Chuck Norris was not "undefeated".
I read a Black Belt magazine in the 80's that mentioned that when Chuck was touring, a guy named "Tonny Tulleners" beat him--the article was named something like "The man Chuck couldn't beat" or something. The article went on to state (if I recall correctly) that Chuck went up against Tonny on two different occasions and lost both times.

I figured an internet search would turn something up, since "tonny" is such an uncommon name. Sure enough:
http://www.megspace.com/entertainment/h ... orris.html

Here's a quick trivia fact: During his competition days, Chuck has lost to two other martial artists turned actors: Tonny Tulleners (Scorpion in 1986) and the Chinese kickmaestro that is John Liu Chung Liang.

The Weekenders · Post by **The Weekenders** » Thu Jan 12, 2006 12:33 pm

Carlos...huh.....

gonzo914 · Post by **gonzo914** » Thu Jan 12, 2006 1:25 pm

Who would win if Chuck Norris fought Jesus?

I think that Chuck Norris would roundkick Jesus' ass right down off that cross, and then when Jesus turned the other cheek, Chuck Norris would stick that crown of thorns in it.

That's what I think.

Loren · Post by **Loren** » Thu Jan 12, 2006 2:10 pm

gonzo914 wrote:Who would win if Chuck Norris fought Jesus?

I think that Chuck Norris would roundkick Jesus' ass right down off that cross, and then when Jesus turned the other cheek, Chuck Norris would stick that crown of thorns in it.

That's what I think.

Henke · Post by **Henke** » Thu Jan 12, 2006 3:50 pm

Wanderer wrote:Incidentally, Chuck Norris was not "undefeated".
I read a Black Belt magazine in the 80's that mentioned that when Chuck was touring, a guy named "Tonny Tulleners" beat him--the article was named something like "The man Chuck couldn't beat" or something. The article went on to state (if I recall correctly) that Chuck went up against Tonny on two different occasions and lost both times.

I figured an internet search would turn something up, since "tonny" is such an uncommon name. Sure enough:
http://www.megspace.com/entertainment/h ... orris.html
Here's a quick trivia fact: During his competition days, Chuck has lost to two other martial artists turned actors: Tonny Tulleners (Scorpion in 1986) and the Chinese kickmaestro that is John Liu Chung Liang.

DON'T (bleep) WITH CHUCK!!!
*Hyyyaaaaaaa!!!*

amar · Post by **amar** » Thu Jan 12, 2006 4:22 pm

Henke, that list was hilarious!!! I have never seen Chuck-jokes before!

Loren · Post by **Loren** » Thu Jan 12, 2006 6:06 pm

Yeah, it was pretty funny. Martial artists folks tend to take themselves sooo seriously, so I like the jokes.

One of my favorite is:

Queestion: "How many martial artists does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

Answer: 100. It takes one to screw in the light bulb, and 99 to discuss how Bruce Lee would have done it.

Loren

Henke · Post by **Henke** » Fri Jan 13, 2006 4:16 am

Here's a brand new fact. You didn't read this in the Da Vinci Code!

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Flyingcursor · Post by **Flyingcursor** » Fri Jan 13, 2006 6:25 am

So apparently nobody here realizes that the whole Chuck Norris gag stems from a SNL skit about Bill Braskey. Appalling. I ought to get Mr. T in here to do some pitying.