Irish Joke Thread in Honour of St Patrick ...

Colin · Post by **Colin** » Mon Mar 14, 2005 3:33 pm

Post your Irish jokes to celebrate St Patrick - that imprisoned Welsh guy
who decided to set up home in the ould sod.

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over
ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship",
he thinks to himself.
As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities
of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes
a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has
it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the Irishman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left
sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it,
takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of Whisky?" she asks
him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over,unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it
to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says,
'Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down
the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it
been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs
"Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there, too !!!"

Colin

StewySmoot · Post by **StewySmoot** » Mon Mar 14, 2005 3:38 pm

What's Irish and stays out all night?

Paddy O'Furniture

Henke · Post by **Henke** » Mon Mar 14, 2005 4:33 pm

This is a story I've heard from a relative of mine, and he claims that it's a true story, but I don't know.
There was once a big international beer show where all the great beer brands of the world were represented. After a long day out in the exhibition hall, the MD's of all the major companies decided to go have a few beers in a pub set up close by just for this occation. The guy from Pripp's (Sweden) went up to the bar and ordered a Pripp's Blue. "Best damn beer in the world!" he claimed loudly. The manager from Heiniken (Holland) came up to the bar after him and ordered a Heiniken, "Best beer in the world" he said as well. The MD of Budweiser (America) came up a short while after. "Folks, you better learn to drink proper beer" he said to the two others " This is the stuff that rules, bartender, bring me a Budd!"
They all stood their throwing words at each other when the irishman from Guinness quietly came up to the bar. The others fell silent for a while, giving him a chance to participate in this annuall quarrel. The irishman called the bartender and ordered a diet Coke and saw how the chins of the other guys drop. The manager of Budweiser said "Why on earth are you drinking diet Coke in a bar?"
The irishman smiled at him and replied "Sorry mate, I thought it would be rude of me to have a real beer when none of you other guys are having one. Diet Coke seemed to blend in better here."

Charlene · Post by **Charlene** » Mon Mar 14, 2005 5:08 pm

OK, gonna try it again. First Internet Explorer froze up, so I switched to Firefox, got this joke all typed in and wanted to open another window to check something, and then FIREFOX froze!! AARGH!

And that's no joke.

****************************
These two Irish nuns were driving back to the convent late at night after spending the day out doing good works. They were on a dark, deserted road only a few miles from the convent when they ran out of gas.

There was a farmhouse a little ways off the road. They knocked on the door. The farmer was surprised to see the nuns, but invited them in. They told him what had happened, and he said, "I do have some gas in a barrel out in the barn, but I don't have a gas can to carry it in. The only container I have that might work is an old chamberpot."

The nuns figured nobody would see them anyway, so they took the chamberpot full of gas and went back to the car.

As they were just starting to pour the gas in, who should come down the road but the local Protestant minister. He looked at the two nuns by the car, one holding the flashlight, the other pouring the contents of the chamberpot into the gas tank, and he said,

"I'm not of your religion ladies, but I cannot help but admire your faith."

********************
This joke and many more are in a book available for $20 here: http://www.celtic-music.com/books.htm

TomB · Post by **TomB** » Tue Mar 15, 2005 10:12 am

StewySmoot wrote:What's Irish and stays out all night?

Paddy O'Furniture

Hey, that's my annual St. Pat's joke!

Tom

KDMARTINKY · Post by **KDMARTINKY** » Tue Mar 15, 2005 10:40 am

Irishman buys a pint of whiskey and places it in his back pocket. Now he has been drinking for sometime and slips and falls. AS he staggers to rise to his feet he feels something wet dripping down his pants.

He states oh God, please let it be blood.

Cayden · Post by **Cayden** » Tue Mar 15, 2005 10:45 am

TomB wrote:
StewySmoot wrote:What's Irish and stays out all night?

Paddy O'Furniture

Hey, that's my annual St. Pat's joke!

Tom

Maybe try it this year with the Kerryman hanging from the ceiling: Sean de Laoire.

Lambchop · Post by **Lambchop** » Tue Mar 15, 2005 1:18 pm

Deleted.

I.D.10-t · Post by **I.D.10-t** » Tue Mar 15, 2005 1:30 pm

Why do Irish men wear green?

glauber · Post by **glauber** » Tue Mar 15, 2005 1:36 pm

I.D.10-t wrote:Why do Irish men wear green?

No idea. No, wait! Is it because of the shamrocks?

Lambchop · Post by **Lambchop** » Tue Mar 15, 2005 1:44 pm

I.D.10-t wrote:Why do Irish men wear green?

So they match the beer?

fancypiper · Post by **fancypiper** » Tue Mar 15, 2005 3:27 pm

Did you hear about the queer Irishman?

He liked women better than Guinness. Queer bloke indeed!

fancypiper · Post by **fancypiper** » Tue Mar 15, 2005 3:29 pm

Why do the Scottsmen march about while they play the Great Highland Bagpipes?

They are trying to get away from that terrible racket.

Why do the Irish pipers sit down when they play the uilleann pipes?

The Irish love to wallow around in their own misery.....

FJohnSharp · Post by **FJohnSharp** » Tue Mar 15, 2005 9:26 pm

>>>INSINUATED LANGUAGE ALERT<<<
(don't blame me, I'm retelling)

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

"Top of the mornin to yer, sir", says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees", replies Tiger.

"Well, what on God's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."

TonyHiggins · Post by **TonyHiggins** » Tue Mar 15, 2005 9:55 pm

The Sunday morning session is on at the pub. A funeral procession passes by outside and the piper stands, takes his hat off and waits for the procession to pass by, then sits down and resumes playing. "Ah, Paddy," says the fiddler, "that was a respectful thing you did there." Paddy replies, "Sure, wasn't I married to her for forty years?"

Tony