Self criticism and the art of accepting compliments

[Jennie]

Is there difference between a compliment and a statement of fact or an observation.

That's interesting Fly... even though you are correct in that it is an observation on your part, I think the person who was playing would still perceive it as a compliment. At least I would, and would promptly reject it as "Are you crazy?".

...For example I saw a concert a couple months ago and the guitar player had an amazing mastery of chords. I was impressed and told him I really liked his chord changes.

I think part of the reason we reject compliments is because we take them too much to heart. But a statement that focuses on a particular aspect of my performance, like in your example, allows me to shift the focus from my self to the common interest I share with my complimentor. So the general compliments like "Wow, you are awesome!" are hard to field. But something like "Look at the heel on that sock; such even tension" or "You really captured the rhythm in that reel with your rolls" turn my attention away from Me to the knitting or the music. Those I can handle. Just don't make it seem that it's my poor vulnerable Self that is being scrutinized.
Jennie

[feadogin]

I remember reading something years ago about women's communication styles, and it said that women are usually more self-deprecating than men and often feel more uncomfortable accepting compliments. Apparently the reason for this is that women are socialized to make themselves appear friendly and non-threatening, particularly with other women.

So if you say something like, "Oh, I'm terrible at (fill in the blank here)," you may be subconsciously trying to project the message, "Hey, I'm not competing with you; I'm not a threat." This is one way women become friendly with each other, by opening up and sharing their flaws instead of talking up their accomplishments or discussing their best qualities. It's ok to have flaws, ya know.

Most men, on the other hand, (a generalization, of course), are less likely to say negative things about themselves, because they are afraid that others will see their weak points and attack. Maybe that means that men in general are more likely to give compliments and find it easier to accept them.

Just a thought.

Justine

[TyroneShoelaces]

I am the worst person in the world at taking compliments and I hate it when people praise me because I just get embarassed by it for some reason. Go figure.

it is not that unusual. i think that people are correct when they relate all of this to a self worth issue. many are brought up to believe that nothing they do is good enough - or if it is good enough, then there is always that other thing that gets all the attention. we are conditioned to not accept praise at it's true value - we believe there always has to be some other hidden motive on the part of the giver: either they are ready to hit us with the zinger after those nice words, or they are trying to get something from us, or they just feel sorry for us and are looking for something nice to say. if you don't feel worthy of praise, then you will never be able to accept praise.

plus, how readily do we all give genuine praise? and is it only to certain individuals? some people on this board are quick with the complements, but they only dole them out to a select few. that only makes me wonder if they are trying to buy into something. why not complement everyone when you like something about them? why only acknowledge your good buddies and not everyone else on the board? maybe this is just human nature - something left over from when we needed to fit in with a specific group in order to survive.

[izzarina]

I for one have a very hard time taking compliments as well because of a sense of insecurity (yet another similarity ad..... I'm beginning to hear Twilight Zone music.... )

We might as well just let them all know, izz... it's getting too hard to keep it a secret.

Yes, folks, izz and I share a brain. It's true. We alternate days on who gets the best half.

GASP!!! you TOLD!!! Now everyone knows (and you didn't even put it in the darkest secret thread! )
Speaking of that best half.....it seems that I haven't gotten it in a while you know

[feadogin]

why only acknowledge your good buddies and not everyone else on the board?

Awwww. Hi Tyrone! And everyone else!

Justine

[izzarina]

why only acknowledge your good buddies and not everyone else on the board? maybe this is just human nature - something left over from when we needed to fit in with a specific group in order to survive.

I don't think it has to do with survival. I think it has to do with personalities. We all have people that we seem to "click" with more than others. For me, it's nice when I can talk to someone that even remotely understands my rather odd sense of humor, and it's even better when I find someone that shares it. We, as people, tend to migrate toward those that understand us for we feel more comfortable with them.
As for here on the board, it's impossible to always acknowledge EVERY post by EVERY person. Not every post here compels me to respond. This really has nothing to do with the "good buddy syndrome" or whatever. It just has to do with whether or not I feel that I have something to say in response.
By the way, TyroneShoelaces, I think you have some spiffy shoes there

[izzarina]

Awwww. Hi Tyrone! And everyone else!

Justine

Hi Justine!
By the way, I agreed totally with what you said above. It made total sense to me

[BillChin]

Like a lot of other things, I believe it is culture, societal training, mixed in with genetics. My parents rarely if ever complimented me. So when I left home, I challenged every compliment with self-deprecating remarks. I am sure this experience is common in certain cultures.

I have a friend who hands out compliments like Halloween candy. This friend also does a lot of "fishing for compliments," asking for thoughts on things that will very likely result in a compliment. Another friend told me that when receiving a compliment from me, it meant something, because I rarely gave them out. There is no right or wrong with either style, just personal choice and preference. It took me a long time to consciously train myself to graciously accept a compliment, graciously accept a gift, without feeling the need to reciprocate, and this has improved my friendships.

There are other folks that always have a negative story to share, or a complaint to air. Some of them are on this board and feel the need to share every bit of bad news that he/she can find. I'm not sure what kind of upbringing these folks had, but I doubt it was a happy one.

There is another class, what I call "drama queens," always needing some excitement, and will create it if there is none present. Picking fights is one method to generate excitement. Another is to always have dramatic events in his/her life.

Wow, what a rambling post. Best end it here. Thanks all
+ Bill

[Darwin]

Friend: That was a beautiful tune, and you played it so well. The whistle sounded so haunting.

Me: You obviously have no taste, and don't know jack about Irish traditional music.

But when I get compliments after a public performance, I always just say "Thank you", even when I know I screwed something up. A couple of years ago I played a couple of fiddle tunes on guitar with a friend at her New Year's Eve performance. I was having severe shoulder pains and probably hit only every other note that I aimed at, yet people came up afterwards with what seemed to be very sincere compliments. It was hard to resist saying, "What? Are you insane or deaf?", but I managed somehow.

I'm trying to imagine going up to Ricky Skaggs after a performance and saying, "That was great, but I think you blew a couple of notes in the last chorus of Big Mon. It sounded a little rushed, too. And you need to check the words to How Mountain Girls Can Love. That ain't how Ralph and Carter sang it." That would relieve him of the burden of admitting those things, but he might not appreciate it.

[aderyn_du]

GASP!!! you TOLD!!! Now everyone knows (and you didn't even put it in the darkest secret thread! )
Speaking of that best half.....it seems that I haven't gotten it in a while you know

Well, I certainly haven't had it in a while. So, if you haven't had it and I haven't had it...then....who has it??? izz, did you lose our brain again and were just hoping I wouldn't notice?? ::tapping foot::

[izzarina]

GASP!!! you TOLD!!! Now everyone knows (and you didn't even put it in the darkest secret thread! )
Speaking of that best half.....it seems that I haven't gotten it in a while you know

Well, I certainly haven't had it in a while. So, if you haven't had it and I haven't had it...then....who has it??? izz, did you lose our brain again and were just hoping I wouldn't notice?? ::tapping foot::

well....um.......I...... ::nervously darting eyes about and shifting weight from foot to foot:: there is a possibility that I could have left it over by the bar when we had the huge upheaval here. Has anyone seen our mind????

[Flyingcursor]

GASP!!! you TOLD!!! Now everyone knows (and you didn't even put it in the darkest secret thread! )
Speaking of that best half.....it seems that I haven't gotten it in a while you know

Well, I certainly haven't had it in a while. So, if you haven't had it and I haven't had it...then....who has it??? izz, did you lose our brain again and were just hoping I wouldn't notice?? ::tapping foot::

well....um.......I...... ::nervously darting eyes about and shifting weight from foot to foot:: there is a possibility that I could have left it over by the bar when we had the huge upheaval here. Has anyone seen our mind????

I knew something was up during the big avatar contest.

I'll try to get a friend of mine to read this since she's into this kind of topic.
Into the "scene" you could say.

[aderyn_du]

I think Fly took it, to do special Fly experiments. His friend is going to be helping him, and that's why he mentioned her.

Just try to not to let it deteriorate any more than it already has, okay Fly??

[izzarina]

yes, fly...be VERY careful!!! It's the only good part we have!!!

[burnsbyrne]

I'm coming in late on this discussion, but here's my take. For quite a while I had trouble accepting complements on my musical performances. I didn't know how to handle it. Then I learned the following technique. My standard response is, "Thank you very much (for the complement), I am glad that you enjoyed (the concert, show, dance performance)." This has worked great for me. It takes the spotlight off of me and acknowledges the generosity of the audience member for taking the time to talk with me. It doesn't matter how well I think I played. If they enjoyed it I feel satisfied.
Mike