Dear Abby...

[Jack]

Dear Abby,

Here is the situation.

I don't celebrate birthdays, for religious reasons. All my friends and loved ones know this and I have asked them as politely as possible not to send or give me anything for multiple years.

However, each year many of them ignore my wishes and send me cards and presents and money. I don't think they understand that I really don't want this. It's not a humility issue and it's not a "I don't want anything from you" issue, it's an old and admittedly somewhat quaint but nonetheless real religious conviction I have.

It's a nice gesture on their part, and I understand where they're coming from because in the dominant US culture birthdays are something to be celebrated, but I do not wish to have my birthday celebrated. I wish there were a way to change the day I was born so I would never tell anybody.

My basic question is this--Would it be wrong, tacky, or rude to send the gifts, cards, and money, back to the senders? I cannot honestly say "Thank you" when I do not want these things. I feel like if I thank the people who send them, I encourage them and lead them to believe that this kind of behaviour is ok with me, when it is not.

I know there are much bigger problems in the world, but this small problem affects me a lot at a certain time of year, every year.

Heretofore, I have simply accepted whatever came my way, but I'm at the point where I am either going to 1). Stop telling people not to do anything, or 2). Start returning everything.

Love,
Confused in KY

[gonzo914]

Dear Confused in Kentucky,

If you simply refuse to acknowledge the gifts and cards, forgoing even a simple "Thank you," your friends will eventually assume either (1) that you don't want these presents, or (2) that your are a crass, churlish boor unworthy of their friendship. Either way, the presents will stop.

But this, unfortunately, does not give you a chance to crow about what a religiously superior fellow you are. If flaunting your sanctity is your goal, then merely refusing to acknowledge presents is not enough. You must actively discourage them in their well-wishing so that they understand you are better and more holy than they are. Only then can you take your place proudly on the moral high ground and look down your nose upon the lesser mortals.

Or your could quietly accept the gifts and sell them on eBay.

[Jack]

That's not it, and you know that, gonzo. Stop it, or I will throw a dead turtle at your face. Have a good weekend.

[sbfluter]

Why don't you just donate the gifts to those less fortunate?

[Jack]

Why don't you just donate the gifts to those less fortunate?

This is actually what I normally have done. I just wish they wouldn't come in the first place so I wouldn't feel conflicted about the whole "thank you" part, which, by its very nature, encourages it again.

I don't know. I think I just think about everything too much. I guess my issues extend further than that. So just, um, never mind. Or something.

[sbfluter]

It's a pathological desire to never forget your birthday on one side and a pathological need to be polite and say thank you on your side.

Everyone should learn how to be a social misfit like me. The world would work so much better. Nobody remembering anybody's birthday and nobody ever having to say thank you.

[fearfaoin]

I would suggest finding a Jehovah's Witness and asking them how it is dealt
with within that community. Certainly they've run into this problem before.

[Wanderer]

Could it be that your friends and family don't share your religious views? They're celebrating your birthday whether you do or not. And clearly, receiving these gifts aren't causing you to celebrate. So, where exactly is the conflict here?

I've no African heritage, but if someone were to give me a Kwanzaa present, I surely wouldn't send it back and ask them to stop. That seems a bit obnoxious, don't you think?

[Jack]

I would suggest finding a Jehovah's Witness and asking them how it is dealt
with within that community. Certainly they've run into this problem before.

My neighbors are Jehovah's Witnesses.

I didn't think of that. Sometimes the obvious escapes me. Thank you.

[djm]

How dare they be nice to you, or think of you, or give you anything, regardless of the day of the year! I agree with you totally. You should tell them off to their faces, the cretins! What were they thinking?

Better yet, throw a hissy fit. That'll larn 'em!

djm

[Jack]

Could it be that your friends and family don't share your religious views? They're celebrating your birthday whether you do or not. And clearly, receiving these gifts aren't causing you to celebrate. So, where exactly is the conflict here?

I've no African heritage, but if someone were to give me a Kwanzaa present, I surely wouldn't send it back and ask them to stop. That seems a bit obnoxious, don't you think?

I can understand where you're coming from. But it also feels like the situation where you invite a Muslim or Jew over to eat pork chops. The kind of thing that, even though you don't share the same religious views, you refrain from certain things out of respect for others'. Does that make sense?

[avanutria]

Here's your response, Cran:

Dear Confused in KY,

The answer to your basic question is -- Yes, it would be wrong, tacky or rude (choose any or all of the above) to send back the gifts, cards, and money that your friends send you. Your friends send you these things not to participate in dominant US cultural customs but to demonstrate to you that they appreciate your presence in their lives and that they wish you well.

If there are particular people who are guilty of ignoring your wishes every year, perhaps you are not making your wishes clear enough to them. I imagine it is not something they are used to hearing. Instead of saying "Don't give me anything" - as this is often said by people who really don't mean it at all - you could say something like "My birthday is coming up, and I know you love to send me a birthday card. I'd really prefer not to receive any this year. Instead, I'd really love it if you would ______" and give them an alternate way of showing their affection for you. Depending on how much money these people tend to put towards your birthday, perhaps the alternative option would be clicking on a few of those online "click here to donate food for free" website ads, or sending a donation to a charity that you sponsor, or donating some time at a local shelter or other community resource. But if you don't offer an alternative *before* your birthday approaches, don't complain when an unwelcome surprise shows up in the mail. If you do suggest an alternative which is accepted by the sender, please do thank them if you hear about it - this will reinforce the idea that you would prefer this sort of action in the future rather than the typical card/gift.

The reason returning the cards, gifts or money would be wrong, tacky or rude is because such a gesture is very easily misunderstood and says to the original sender "your time, effort and thoughts are completely disregarded and disrespected by me". When given, a gift is the property of the recipient to do with as he or she pleases. So donate the money. Donate the gifts. And look at the card, think a nice thought about the person who sent it, smile, and then recycle it.

I will not wish you a happy birthday in this message because I know you would prefer me not to. But I will still think of you and hope that you are happy and well on that day and on every day - which is really what the tradition of "Happy Birthday" is all about.

Love, Abby

[Nanohedron]

But it also feels like the situation where you invite a Muslim or Jew over to eat pork chops.

Nope, big difference. Receiving a gift does not make you ritually unclean. Just give away what you can, and consider that a blessing for those who receive it. Simple.

[jkwest]

Could it be that your friends and family don't share your religious views? They're celebrating your birthday whether you do or not. And clearly, receiving these gifts aren't causing you to celebrate. So, where exactly is the conflict here?

I've no African heritage, but if someone were to give me a Kwanzaa present, I surely wouldn't send it back and ask them to stop. That seems a bit obnoxious, don't you think?

I can understand where you're coming from. But it also feels like the situation where you invite a Muslim or Jew over to eat pork chops. The kind of thing that, even though you don't share the same religious views, you refrain from certain things out of respect for others'. Does that make sense?

Cran, that is about the quirkiest thing you have post here in a while...comparing a Hallmark card on your birthday with a Muslim invited over for pork chops is just asinine.

If this is about humility, think about this quote...
Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave. ~Wilson Mizner

[Tyler]

Could it be that your friends and family don't share your religious views? They're celebrating your birthday whether you do or not. And clearly, receiving these gifts aren't causing you to celebrate. So, where exactly is the conflict here?

I've no African heritage, but if someone were to give me a Kwanzaa present, I surely wouldn't send it back and ask them to stop. That seems a bit obnoxious, don't you think?

I can understand where you're coming from. But it also feels like the situation where you invite a Muslim or Jew over to eat pork chops. The kind of thing that, even though you don't share the same religious views, you refrain from certain things out of respect for others'. Does that make sense?

Cran, that is about the quirkiest thing you have post here in a while...comparing a Hallmark card on your birthday with a Muslim invited over for pork chops is just asinine.

If this is about humility, think about this quote...
Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave. ~Wilson Mizner

Wham, bam, thank-you-Ma'am, thread over.