A better-tasting envelope?

[jsluder]

From the makers of Bacon Salt and Baconnaise™: J&D’s Bacon-Flavored Mmmvelopes™.

Technology has given us a lot lately. The car. TV. X-rays. The refrigerator. The Internet. Heck, we even cured polio. But what have our envelopes tasted like for the last 4,000 years? Armpit, that’s what.

Really, people? If we can’t overcome this kind of minor technical challenge, it’s only a matter of time until some super-advanced race of aliens with lasers, spaceships and a delicious federal mail system comes down and colonizes the world. And nobody wants that (except for the aliens, of course).

So, after thousands of years and kajillions of horrible tasting envelopes licked, we’re happy to report that J&D’s Bacon-Flavored Mmmvelopes™ are here to save the day. No longer will envelopes taste like the underside of your car. You can enjoy the taste of delicious bacon instead.

That’s right, bacon. It’s not real bacon, mind you, so you won’t have to start storing your envelopes in the refrigerator. But it really does taste like bacon. Which is what you really wanted in the first place, isn’t it? And it only took us 4,000 years to get there. Eat that, alien invaders.

[Nanohedron]

Envelopes do NOT taste like "armpit". That gross exaggeration is foisted on the reader by the writer's misguided and prissy idea that armpits should be a Bad Thing.

Hell, that's what I like about pizza. A nice greasy one with lots of onions that smells like an armpit. It's one of the fine things in life.

You know what'd be really bad? If an armpit tasted like envelope, that's what.

[dwest]

I'll just stop licking them all together. I suppose I'll have to crate the two who don't get to lick the envelopes, they have a tendency to get territorial regarding food. This will be sort of neat, our dog's microbe infested spit traveling the globe, cool.

[Walden]

When I was a child my mother always got the mint-flavored envelopes.

[Nanohedron]

Ew.

[jsluder]

Ew.

You prefer armpit to bacon, and mint makes you go "Ew"?

Not that I think you would, but... never invite me over for dinner... or envelope licking.

[Denny]

our man seems to be too knowledgeable about arm pits

I suppose we've all got out quirks, eh

[Nanohedron]

You prefer armpit to bacon...?

I never said that.

[chris_coreline]

'Mmmvelopes™'
whoever thought of that name...
i wish to marry them.

[I.D.10-t]

I'll just stop licking them all together.

I haven't for years. As a service to others I prefer not to make something a bio-hazard, as protection to myself, I prefer not to give away DNA.

One problem about wanting knowledge, I now want to know what an armpit tastes like.

[mutepointe]

http://www.neatorama.com/2006/06/17/bac ... red-water/

Bacon Flavored Water. They say it's for your pets but who are they kidding?

[dwest]

Ew.

I agree totally, mint relaxes your esophageal sphincter in the esophagogastric junction which makes ya more susceptible to acid reflux. I hate mint!

[brewerpaul]

Just beware of the dread "Envelope Poisoning"...

[talasiga]

I cannot imagine why anyone would want to taste a salted and cooked excerpt from the carcass of a dead mammal as part of their postal process.

[mutepointe]

You have no imagination.