This duck walks into a bar...

[sacrenouille]

A guy walks into a bar.
"It's me !", he says out loud.
Everyone turns back to the guy and guess what ?

It was not him.


...

[Lambchop]

I'm sorry, I'm not getting the bit about the red tarmac. What's red tarmac?

[MTGuru]

I'm sorry, I'm not getting the bit about the red tarmac. What's red tarmac?

Red-colored road pavement, tarmac, macadam. I'm guessing that British (or at least Scottish) bicycle paths are paved in red to distinguish them from other pedestrian or motorized uses.

[dubhlinn]

I'm sorry, I'm not getting the bit about the red tarmac. What's red tarmac?

Red-colored road pavement, tarmac, macadam. I'm guessing that British (or at least Scottish) bicycle paths are paved in red to distinguish them from other pedestrian or motorized uses.

Bike lanes here are Green.

Slan,
D.

[chrisoff]

I'm sorry, I'm not getting the bit about the red tarmac. What's red tarmac?

Red-colored road pavement, tarmac, macadam. I'm guessing that British (or at least Scottish) bicycle paths are paved in red to distinguish them from other pedestrian or motorized uses.

Some are, the colour wasn't really the important part of the joke. Actually most cyclepaths here are just a dotted line between the pavement and the road, marking the area more commonly known as the gutter. Any red colouring is probably due to cyclists being squashed under artics (semi truck in the US).

[Azalin]

An irish pirate with a steering wheel in his pants walks into a bar:

(Pirate) Ar!! Ar!! A pint of Guinness please!
(Bartender) Excuse me, but why is there a steering wheel in your pants?
(Pirate) It drives me nuts!!!

[Pammy]

An irish pirate with a steering wheel in his pants walks into a bar:

(Pirate) Ar!! Ar!! A pint of Guinness please!
(Bartender) Excuse me, but why is there a steering wheel in your pants?
(Pirate) It drives me nuts!!!

I thought that was very funny but when I told it I changed it to an irish truck driver. Is there something I missed?
I still think it is brilliant though

[fearfaoin]

I thought that was very funny but when I told it I changed it to an irish truck driver. Is there something I missed?
I still think it is brilliant though

Different cultures have different stereotypes.
Americans tell "dumb Pollack" jokes, the French
tell "dumb Belgian" jokes, and Brits tell "dumb
Irishman" jokes (unless Political Correctness
has made all that unfashionable...).

Americans think pirates spoke with a weird
mix of Bristol and Irish accents. Probably
because of old movies such as "Treasure
Island".
http://www.bonaventure.org.uk/ed/language.htm
An American would be more likely to expect
a Pirate to replace "my" with "me" than an
Irishman.

[Pammy]

I was thinking about the steering wheel bit

[fearfaoin]

I was thinking about the steering wheel bit

Oh, I have no idea what that's about.
Absurdism, I suppose.

[Pammy]

I don't really think it would work with a pirate walked into a pub with a helm down his trousers

[I.D.10-t]

A man walks into a bar and orders a dry martini.

"Hey buddy, you look rough, what happened?" said the bartender

"The world almost ended, a rock star died, and I met a wise man. It's a long story." the traveler sipped the martini.

"Well I think I've heard them all, tell me your story" said the
bar man.

~~~

"Well," started the traveler "Ever hear of the wise man on the cliff? I went to see him, my girlfriend broke up with me and I was wondering what direction my life should go. It seems like such a petty thing now, but I climbed for hours and took winding paths to the area that was suppose to have the man. When I reached the top there was Larry. Sitting cross legged in Bermuda shorts and a Hawaiian shirt with one of those 110 film cameras that you need to change the flash cubes out of."

"Wait," said the bartender "The man looked like a 1970's tourist?"

"I'll get to that" said the traveler "So I walked up to the man and asked if he was the wise man of the cliff. He said no, he was just a substitute guard, but Larry said some think of him as wise. So I asked Larry how he ended up a guard, wise, and what he was guarding.

"So," Larry began "I came up here looking for wisdom, for what I cannot even remember, when I reached this spot, there was a huge snake. I froze fearing for my life, and then a low soothing voice said "bienvenido, viajero!" I blinked, "Welcome, Traveler!"he said. "Hello, I am in search of the wise man, are you him?", I replied. He introduced himself as Nate. We began talking about different things, philosophy, meaning of life, best rock band ever, and other such things.

After two days Nate asked for a favor. "When the earth was young, a great device was made, one that could destroy the world" Nate began "Over there is the controller" and with his tail pointed to a control lever that looked like a giant vertical Sloan Flushometer handle. "I guard it and make sure it is not disturbed. I have guarded it and never strayed from this spot for thousands of years. I could use a break." So here I am" said Larry "A substitute for Nate."

Larry continued "Nate forgot to tell me some things, this place somehow makes it so one does not have to eat or sleep. Frankly I think Nate forgot about such things, after a week Nate sent me a letter telling me that he had his first dream that he could remember. Although time passes, I remember everyone and every conversation like it happened earlier today. 30 years have passed, but with out sleeping or eating, it is more like 60years of sitting and thinking."

"Yogis and monks have come and talked to me" Larry mused, "At first they taught, then we shared, wisdom came with time. I have had time to learn different languages as world travelers have passed through and shared their knowledge. I even learned to juggle" and with that Larry pointed to six perfectly round stones the size of tennis balls. "Took me over a month to grind those down to the right size from larger stones."

"Nate has been keeping in touch. Said he started a band called Eden..."
~~~~

"Wait a minute" said the bartender,"Are you trying to say Eden's mascot, "Nate the snake" isn't a mechanical puppet? I suppose you'll be saying that Iron Maiden's Eddie is real too!"

"Hey, I'm just telling you what happened." Said the traveler.

"Hey Bartender," said the duck, "do you have any nails"

"Yes, big rusty ones!" said the bartender.

"Never mind then" and the duck quickly left the bar.

"What the..." said the traveler "Any way..."

~~~~~~

The traveler continued his story "Nate started the band Eden, it centered around their one hit song. He had originally wrote as a poem, but found that no one went to poetry readings. So he set the words to music, and formed a band with three stoners that didn't think it was strange for a snake to talk. Nate translated the song to every language he knew, altering it slightly to have strong meaning within the culture that it was translated to. He even managed to translate the work to several forms of sign language using the rhythm and a chest pounding beat that the audience could see and feel. Not having hands, this was quite a feat. "

"Nate's farewell tour was last week, after 30 years it was time for him to go back to his job. I didn't know that I would be there for his arrival, I was just talking to Larry as he conveyed what he knew from the letters Nate had sent, and the wisdom and teachings that were contained in those letters. Before I knew it it was dusk and Larry mentioned his nervousness wondering if Nate was going to show up. Then, down the path something moved.

In a loud booming voice Larry called "Bienvenido, Viajero!"

Nate called back, "I am in search of the wise man, are you him?"

Larry replied, "No, I am not him, but some think I am wise."

Shaking his head the traveler continued "The reunion was cut short though. A mountain goat had followed Nate and was in a territorial rage. Kicking and snorting he charged at us several times until he was headed right towards the control lever. Nate had no time to think, he sprang at the goat and knocked him off course. Unfortunately in doing so both him and the goat went over the side of the cliff. Larry and I looked over the edge and saw the lifeless bodies at the bottom. What could be said, Larry's friend, one who changed his life, pen pal for 30 years, now dead. He died heroically performing his duty."

Larry looked at me, shrugged and said "Better Nate than lever."

[jsluder]

I can't believe I read the whole thing.

Do they make Alka Seltzer for the brain?

[Denny]

dry martini

[Infernaltootler]

Man walks into a bar with a strip of ashphelt under his arm.

Says to the barman, "I'll have a whiskey, make it a double, and one for the road,"