OT - Just a Joke
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jim_mc
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- Tell us something.: I'm a New York native who gradually slid west and landed in the Phoenix area. I like riding on the back seat of a tandem bicycle. I like dogs and have three of them. I am a sometime actor and an all the time teacher, husband, and dad.
- Location: Surprise, AZ
A mole comes out of his hole, and sniffing, says, "I smell maple syrup. Honey, do you smell maple syrup?"
His wife comes up out of the hole, sniffs and says, "No, but I smell honey!"
The baby mole comes up out of the hole, but can't see what they're looking at because he's only half their size and they're standing in front of him.
Mama mole asks, "What do you smell, baby?"
And baby mole replies, "All I smell is.....
MOLASSES!"
His wife comes up out of the hole, sniffs and says, "No, but I smell honey!"
The baby mole comes up out of the hole, but can't see what they're looking at because he's only half their size and they're standing in front of him.
Mama mole asks, "What do you smell, baby?"
And baby mole replies, "All I smell is.....
MOLASSES!"
Say it loud: B flat and be proud!
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klezmusic
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- Location: Silver Spring MD
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Four Catholics ladies were having coffee. The first woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him " Father".
The second woman chirps, "My son is a bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people call him "Your Grace".
The third woman says "My son is a cardinal. whenever he walks into a room, he's called "Your Eminence".
The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence, and the first three give her this subtle 'Well.....?' look so she says, "My son is 6'2": has has broad square shoulders; he's terribly handsome and dresses very well.
Whenever he walks into a room , women say "Oh, my God.....".
The second woman chirps, "My son is a bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people call him "Your Grace".
The third woman says "My son is a cardinal. whenever he walks into a room, he's called "Your Eminence".
The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence, and the first three give her this subtle 'Well.....?' look so she says, "My son is 6'2": has has broad square shoulders; he's terribly handsome and dresses very well.
Whenever he walks into a room , women say "Oh, my God.....".
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Jeferson
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- Location: Vancouver, Canada
I know this one has been around, but I was reminded of it today and thought I'd pass it along. 
Jef
Bill Gates passes away and goes up to heaven where he is met by God. "Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "Well thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "You take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?" "Sure" said Bill, "Let's go!"
Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. "This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."
God replied, "Let's go!" and so off they went to Heaven. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell.
Bill Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell." "As you desire," said God.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill Gates shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
"Oh THAT?!" said God. "That was the screen saver."
JefBill Gates passes away and goes up to heaven where he is met by God. "Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "Well thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "You take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?" "Sure" said Bill, "Let's go!"
Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. "This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."
God replied, "Let's go!" and so off they went to Heaven. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell.
Bill Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell." "As you desire," said God.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill Gates shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
"Oh THAT?!" said God. "That was the screen saver."
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Jens_Hoppe
- Posts: 1166
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- Location: Copenhagen, Denmark
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
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Martin Milner
- Posts: 4350
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- Location: London UK
Entering the Goat and Compasses last week for my weekly session, whistle tightly gripped in hand, I stepped in a dog turd freshly laid by the landlord's St Bernard, and skidded all the way over to the bar.
As I regained my composure, the fiddle player came in through the door, skidded on the turd, and crashed into the bar beside me.
I said, "Hey, I just did that."
He hit me.
As I regained my composure, the fiddle player came in through the door, skidded on the turd, and crashed into the bar beside me.
I said, "Hey, I just did that."
He hit me.
It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that schwing
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Martin Milner
- Posts: 4350
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- Location: London UK
Composure, composture - Not the same word!
Composure - calm, serenity, self-possession, tranquily, self-control, poise, I might even venture equanimity.
Composture - er, doesn't appear in my thesaurus!
Anyway, I'm walking along the street, and there's a busker playing some jigs on a whistle.
Standing right next to him is a guy in an anorak, and the hood is bouncing up and down in time to the music. All the passersby are dropping money in his hat.
I asked him "Do you earn a living do that?"
"Yes," he replied, "It's my livelihood."
_________________
"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Martin Milner on 2003-01-21 07:41 ]</font>
Composure - calm, serenity, self-possession, tranquily, self-control, poise, I might even venture equanimity.
Composture - er, doesn't appear in my thesaurus!
Anyway, I'm walking along the street, and there's a busker playing some jigs on a whistle.
Standing right next to him is a guy in an anorak, and the hood is bouncing up and down in time to the music. All the passersby are dropping money in his hat.
I asked him "Do you earn a living do that?"
"Yes," he replied, "It's my livelihood."
_________________
"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Martin Milner on 2003-01-21 07:41 ]</font>
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Martin Milner
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- Location: London UK
I was whistling in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,and he said, 'You've been promoted to head of your Department.' And I swerved.
Then he rang up a second time and said, 'You've been promoted to the Board of Directors' And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said, 'You've been made Managing Director.' And I went swerved into a tree.
A policeman came up and said, 'What happened to you?'
And I said, 'I careered off the road.'
Then he rang up a second time and said, 'You've been promoted to the Board of Directors' And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said, 'You've been made Managing Director.' And I went swerved into a tree.
A policeman came up and said, 'What happened to you?'
And I said, 'I careered off the road.'
It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that schwing
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get thy mother."
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get thy mother."
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Martin Milner
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- Location: London UK
That reminds me of Kai's brilliant Amish joke to which I will now give an Irish music twist at no extra charge.
What goes: Clip-BUMP-clop clip-clop BUMP clip-clop clop-BUMP-clip BUMP clip-clop BANG BANG BANG bump clip-clop clop-clip BUMP clip-clop clip-BUMP-clop
An Amish drive-by shooting on the Rocky Road to Dublin
What goes: Clip-BUMP-clop clip-clop BUMP clip-clop clop-BUMP-clip BUMP clip-clop BANG BANG BANG bump clip-clop clop-clip BUMP clip-clop clip-BUMP-clop
An Amish drive-by shooting on the Rocky Road to Dublin
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Ro3b
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- Location: Takoma Park, MD
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A guy walks into a bar, sits down heavily on a stool, and orders a double bourbon, straight up. The bartender brings him the drink and says, "What's the problem?"
The guy says, "Let me show you something." He takes a box out of his pocket and sets it on the bar. The lid opens, and out of it steps a little man about a foot tall, wearing a tuxedo. He climbs down off the bar, goes over to the piano in the corner, climbs up onto the bench, and starts playing a Chopin nocturne. It's beautiful. The bartender says, "Wow, that's pretty unusual. Where did you find him?"
The guy says, "Well, I was walking home from work today, and I passed by this antique shop, and there was this old oil lamp in the front window, and I thought it might be nice to have, so I bought it and took it home. I was shining it up when a genie popped out and said 'you have freed me from a thousand years of imprisonment in that lamp! In gratitude, I'll grant you a wish!'"
The bartender says, "I don't understand. You asked for a twelve-inch pianist?"
The guy says, "No, not exactly."
The guy says, "Let me show you something." He takes a box out of his pocket and sets it on the bar. The lid opens, and out of it steps a little man about a foot tall, wearing a tuxedo. He climbs down off the bar, goes over to the piano in the corner, climbs up onto the bench, and starts playing a Chopin nocturne. It's beautiful. The bartender says, "Wow, that's pretty unusual. Where did you find him?"
The guy says, "Well, I was walking home from work today, and I passed by this antique shop, and there was this old oil lamp in the front window, and I thought it might be nice to have, so I bought it and took it home. I was shining it up when a genie popped out and said 'you have freed me from a thousand years of imprisonment in that lamp! In gratitude, I'll grant you a wish!'"
The bartender says, "I don't understand. You asked for a twelve-inch pianist?"
The guy says, "No, not exactly."
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Aodhan
- Posts: 672
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- Location: Phoenix, Arizona, USA
Four men are standing on the first tee of a golf course. The first man starts bragging about his son, saying "My son owns a successful car dealership. He does so well, he was able to give a friend of his a new BMW."
The second guy, not wanting to be outdone, says "Well, my son is a successful realtor, and he does so well, he was able to give a friend of his a new house."
The third guy said "Well, my son is a successful stockbroker, and he was able to give his friend a very nice stock portfolio."
They all look at the last guy, who smiles and says "Well, my son is gay, and his last 3 boyfriends have given him a BMW, a house, and a stock portfolio."
bah DUM bump!
Aodhan
The second guy, not wanting to be outdone, says "Well, my son is a successful realtor, and he does so well, he was able to give a friend of his a new house."
The third guy said "Well, my son is a successful stockbroker, and he was able to give his friend a very nice stock portfolio."
They all look at the last guy, who smiles and says "Well, my son is gay, and his last 3 boyfriends have given him a BMW, a house, and a stock portfolio."
bah DUM bump!
Aodhan
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Steven
- Posts: 727
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- Location: Philly area
A guy gets home from his weekly round of golf. His wife asks how the game was. "Horrible!" he replies. "There we were on the fifth green, and George had a heart attack and died!"
"Oh, how terrible for you!" his wife says.
"Yeah, it really ruined the rest of the day. Hit the ball, drag George, hit the ball, drag George...."
--Steven (who does not play golf)
"Oh, how terrible for you!" his wife says.
"Yeah, it really ruined the rest of the day. Hit the ball, drag George, hit the ball, drag George...."
--Steven (who does not play golf)
"THE SIREN"
A Fire Fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a Fire Fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.
The Fire Fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice Fire Truck," the Fire Fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says. The Fire Fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the Fire Fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope only around the cat's collar,
I think you could go faster." The little girl says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
A Fire Fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a Fire Fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.
The Fire Fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice Fire Truck," the Fire Fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says. The Fire Fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the Fire Fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope only around the cat's collar,
I think you could go faster." The little girl says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."