Jokes

[SteveShaw]

"Knock, knock."


"Who's there?"


"Control freak, and now you say to me 'control freak who?'"

[anniemcu]

Husband of the Year Awards, 2008
YAY! The Irish Win it!!!!!!!
http://www.greatdad.com/tertiary/412/28 ... wards.html

[Coffee]

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the bulb has to want to change.
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How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
20. One to hold the bulb and 19 to drink until the room spins.
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How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
5. One to change the bulb and 4 to kibbutz about how they could have done it better.
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What's Saint Peter's favourite musical instrument?
Castin' nets.
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Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interr-
Moo!!!!
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How do you get a one-handed aggie to fall out of a tree?
Wave.
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[Doc Jones]

Molly hears a knock at the door and, opening it, finds her husband's old friend Clancy standing on the porch hat in hand and very somber.

"Molly" he says "there's been a terrible accident down at the brewery. I'm afraid yar Seamus is dead and gone."

"Saints preserve us!" says Molly in tears "What happened Clancy?"

"Well Molly, Seamus fell into a vat o' the Guiness he did, and he drowned, God bless 'im"

"Well tell me Clancy" says Molly "was it quick?"

"Well not really quick" says Clancy. "He got out three times to pee."

[rorybbellows]

Hey Mick,why do scuba-divers always fall backwards into the water?
Your a daft beggar Patrick, if they were to fall forwards they'd be still on the boat .

RORY

[SteveShaw]

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interr-
Moo!!!!

[vonHorna]

- What is the diference between a bull and a brass orchestra?
The bull has the horns in front and the a**hole on the rear

- What has three three legs and the a**hole on top?
A drummer's seat

- A frenchman, an american and a geman guy get a drink at a bar. The french guy orders a Cronenbourg, the american guy orders a bud and the german says to the barkeeper: "Just give me a coke." The two others say then: Why don't you get a beer?" He replies " As you don't, why should I then?"

- He: If you had told me that you were a virgin, I would have been a bit more caressing.
She: I wasn't. It was just my pantyhose...

- A 90-year old man visits his physician. Physician: Mr. Miller you are 90 years old and your wife is 19. Any sexual activity can be lethal.
Mr. Miller: Don't mind. I don't care if she died...

- Two guys go hunting. After a few beers one of the goes off to pee. While piddling, a startled rattlesnake bites him into his weenie. He runs back to the camp and tells the other guy what happened and asks him to call 911. The friend takes out his cell phone and calls 911. "Hello my friend has been bitten by a rattlesnake. What shall I do now?" - "Just suck the venom out of the wound." He turns to teh gu ythat had been bitten and says: "I'm deeply sorry my friend. I'm afraid you'll have to die"

Sorry if the jokes are not that funny. I tried to translate some german jokes...

[Joseph E. Smith]

Knock, knock,
Who's there?
Michael Jackson
Michael Jackson who?
Well, I guess that's show business.

[Coffee]

What's the difference between a dog and a cat?

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

[s1m0n]

The below response was the brilliant impromptu (he said it was impromptu, and I have no information suggesting otherwise) response a friend made when asked this light bulb riddle. It was miles wittier than the answer the asker had in mind & I've now forgotten what that was. If you've ever hung out with campus radicals, you will have heard a lot of similar rhetoric.

Q. How many Marxist-Leninists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. None! The lightbulb contains within it the seeds of it's own revolution!

[gonzo914]

. . . (he said it was impromptu, and I have no information suggesting otherwise) . . .

Here is some information suggesting otherwise -- several pages of google hits on "lightbulb seeds of its own revolution."

[Doc Jones]

. . . (he said it was impromptu, and I have no information suggesting otherwise) . . .

Here is some information suggesting otherwise -- several pages of google hits on "lightbulb seeds of its own revolution."

Could also be that the chap did come up with it independently...parallel joke evolution.

Doc

[Joseph E. Smith]

Knock knock,
Who's there?
To
To who?
No, it's "to whom".

[projektio28]

Jesus sits down on a stool in a small bar in Atlanta, GA. He sees three people sitting to his left and all of them appear to have some sort of physical ailment. He walks up to a young woman and says, "My child, I see that your arm is in pain, I will heal you." He touches her arm with a soft glow of light and miraculously she is healed. She orders Jesus a bottle of the finest wine as a small token of her gratitude.

Jesus goes to the next person, a little old man and says, "My friend, I see that your legs are causing you pain, I will heal them." He touches each of his legs with another soft glow of light from his hands, and miraculously the man's legs are healed. The old fellow orders Jesus a bottle of the best single malt scotch to show his thanks.

The third person sitting at the bar is a bit of a redneck, very scruffy and kind of dirty. Jesus says to him, "My brother, I see that your back and neck are stiff from years of hard labor, I will heal you."

As soon as Jesus reaches out his hands, the guy jumps up and shouts, "Don't TOUCH ME man, I'm collecting disability!!"

[Celtpastor]

Two ministers on a remote and small Island of the outer Hebrides enjoy cycling together every saturday. Once, one rings up the other: "Sorry, I won't join You today. Someone stole my bike!" - "no problem", the other replies, "just hold Your sermon tomorrow about the 10 commandments. At 'thou shallst not steal', just look, who gets nervous - that'll be the thief!"
Next saturday they meet again. "Great! You got Your bike back! The sermon worked!" - "Yes", replies the other, "but differently than planned: When I came to 'thou shallst not commit adultery', I remembered, where I'd left it..."
I told this joke in a sermon about the 10 commandments once, as a guest-preacher in a congregation I didn't know. It was dead silent. Afterwards someone told me, 5yrs ago a minister had to leave that congregation for commiting adultery... "But, Rev, the rest of Your sermon was fine..."

How many Scottish pipers do You need to change a lightbulb? 13! One to do it, a dozen to criticize the fingering...

How many feminists would You need for that? "That's not funny!"

Three young ladies go golfing. The golfball lands within some bushes, and as the ladies go there to get it back, they see a naked man there, fast asleep. His head is deep within the bushes, so they can only see the lower parts of his body... Returning, the one says: "For sure, that wasn't my husband...", the next replies: "You're right: That wasn't Your husband!", the third adds: "Yep! That wasn't ANYONE from our golfclub!"

Adam is really bored. "Please, God! Make me a woman!" "Well", God says, "all material is used up - I'd have to take a part of Your body. Your left leg!" Adam starts thinking... "OK, what would I get for a rib..?"

Little Timmy's at school, first day. The teacher starts by letting them tell, what their parents do for living. When in comes to Timmy, he says: "My Dad is a pimp in a gay-bar!" Later, the teacher takes Timmy aside, asking him: "Is that really true? Your Dad is a pimp in a gay-bar?" - "Of course not", answers Timmy, "but would You nowadays admit, Your Dad's an investment-banker?"