Touchy situation with Christmas gift--opinions please

[susnfx]

Since my mom died ten years ago and my dad remarried soon after, I've tried to send a gift each Christmas that they don't have to keep and store (he once told me, "Don't give me anything I have to put someplace"). I've sent evergreen centerpieces and wreaths, Christmas bouquets from a florist, a subscription to Smithsonian magazine, a gift to Hereford International in their names, etc. In those ten years I think the gift was acknowledged perhaps 2-3 times and that was only when I asked if they'd received it. I was simply told "Yes, we got it" with no thank you or comment about whether or not they liked it (Oh - I once asked my dad's wife if the flowers I'd ordered were nice--I'd spent quite a bit on them and wanted to be sure they got a nice bouquet. She said simply, "Well, most people in town get them from [insert name of other florist in town--the one I hadn't used]," leaving the distinct impression that they were less than great--no "thank you".)

So, if this is your dad do you stop sending anything? Or do you continue to send something even though in ten years the gifts have been rarely acknowledged and you've never been thanked? Am I being too touchy about being told "thank you?"

(He always sends me a check a week or so before Christmas--"to take you and Becky out to dinner or something"--which is appreciated and he's been thanked every year, including handwritten notes from his granddaughter.)

Opinions?

Susan

[ElaineT]

Expecting a thank you is not touchy at all. Thanking someone for a gift is very basic common courtesy.

I don't know what your relationship with your dad is like. In my own family, I might try something like asking if they want to switch to exchanging cards rather than gifts. That might solve the problem. If not, it can give you a chance to tell them that you aren't sure they liked your gifts because they weren't acknowledged.

[Innocent Bystander]

Could this be one of those situations where the male approach to gifts has taken over?
The female approach to gifts appears to be (in general) more, more MORE GIFTS! POTLACH! BANKRUPCY! MORE GIFTS!

The male approach to gifts is Oh, that's nice/ fine,/ do I have to?/ It's too much trouble /and forget it.

Your father seems to have reached the stage of "forget it".

Forget it.

As a female, you will find this absolutely impossible and it will irritate you more than you can bear. Nevertheless, he is in a state of "forget it" and you will save yourself grief if you accept this and do likewise.

[hyldemoer]

Both of the above.

[mutepointe]

Here's my two cents. My Mom just does not like getting presents. Getting her flowers is probably the worst present a person could give her. I once gave her a bouquet just to irk her more. She will instantly transport those flowers to the local nursing home. She has finally relented to accepting postage stamps (but pretty ones) because she sends a lot of letters to a lot of people. My Dad doesn't take much stock in presents for Holidays. He'd never buy a Christmas or a Birthday present but he would get you a really great present on any ordinary day. He could care less about Christmas presents too but he would remember and like someone giving him a truckload of manure out of the blue. The latest presents he got me was a set of patio furniture (it was a good deal) and 50+ used softballs and baseballs. That's my Dad. I'm starting to fall into that same category of "I don't need anything and I don't want anything."

Last year, one of my friends got me 20 chickens delivered to some poor family in a third world nation. This has been my best present as an adult ever. I often think of my chickens. She won't tell me what she got me this year, I'm hoping it's a goat. Maybe you can find a charity that matters to your Father and his new wife.

[djm]

You probably won't like this post, but I believe that if you insist on sending gifts, at least be bothered enough to find out what they would like instead of sending them sanitized, standard fare gifts which probably aren't appreciated, and then expecting some sort of family-bonding type of communication in return.

If you want to communicate with them as family, go and do it to their faces. Don't expect sanitized, standard fare thank you notes. If your relationship with the MiL is the problem, have it out with her, or just communicate with your dad. If he doesn't care to renew the relationship, either - take a hint and get on with your life. The money would probably be better spent on something you would like for xmas.

djm

[The Weekenders]

Hey waitaminit, I didn't think her gifts were standard fare! I think she really tried a variety of options. Sending a Hickry Farms box every year would be the standard fare.

But my two cents is: this year, send a nice card with a handwritten note about events of interest in you and your dtr's life (in other words not a computer xmas letter) or some other type of affectionate correspondence. Maybe even throw in a nice snapshot of the two of you, or even a frameable pix.

See if anybody notices or cares. If it turns out that it did matter, you'll hear about it and can go back to gifting next time. Otherwise, it's one less present to buy and send and a little peace of mind in resolution.

Good luck. I have my own gift issues out here, so I can relate.

[emmline]

I like the last two comments...
I think djm is right--there's not much point in sending a generic gift for the sake of gifting. Better, I think, to just send a
nice personal letter with the holiday card. (Weeks' point is fair too, that it seems you did try a variety of options.)
We have done a bunch of the thing Mute refers to--i.e., a card from Oxfam or such that says a village in Africa has gotten a goat/school uniforms/a plow, etc, in your name.

They (particularly the wife) sound a little under-grateful, and simply the friendly overture of a greeting would express your continued fond wishes.

[susnfx]

I don't consider the gifts I've given them "sanitized standard fare." I've genuinely thought about it each year, trying to meet all the criteria of older folks and the two of them in particular (no food--dad struggles to maintain his weight; nothing that has to be displayed--she paints and the walls and shelves are filled with her handiwork; nothing that has to be stored--dad's specific request...). I'm simply out of ideas this year and find myself wondering if it's worth all the worry when they don't acknowledge the gift. I seriously considered Heifer (I think that's the same type of thing as Oxfam) again, but I have no idea what reception it got the last time--plus I'm afraid it will generate junk mail which will irritate my dad.

I think I'm going to pass on it this year, sending them a nice card and maybe a small photo (thanks for the suggestion, Weeks). I just wondered if parents are in a separate category when it comes to Christmas gifts: you know, a MUST.

Susan

[rebl_rn]

I would flat out ask them what they would like for Christmas this year. You'll probably get "Oh, you don't have to get us anything". Say you know you don't HAVE to, you WANT to, and want to get them something they would like. They may still insist they don't want anything. Then you know you are off the hook (I would still do the handwritten letter, I think that's a great idea).

Or, alternatively, you could ask them if there's a particular charity they support that you could make a donation in their honor. As long as it's not a morally reprehensible one to you, it's a great gesture. Someone I know once said, "Donating to YOUR favorite charity is NOT a gift to ME. But if you donate to MY charity, that is treasured."

If your relationship with them is such you feel you can't ask them, then maybe the letter is the way to go. I don't know.

[mutepointe]

Well, maybe giving a donation to a charity that might not be their choice might be a good idea. It might get a response that they received the gift. The ACLU (I'm a member), PETA (Not a member), or the wrong Political Party (I'm a member of the correct party.) come to mind. I'm sure you can think of more.

I should add that my four brothers and I used to vie for black sheep of the family. A much more fun game than favorite son could ever hope to be.

[anniemcu]

The gift to a charity (OxFam is a good one, Smile Train, etc.), in their names, is one where you know the recipients of your investment will be happy whether the recipients of the gift card actually give a hoot or not. Since you are not privy to what they might actually enjoy, and they are not particularly appreciative of what you have done, I would make it make a difference to someone else. That's a good way to put some of the spirit of love back in the holiday too.

Good luck!

Suggested recipients:
http://www.oxfamamerica.org/
http://thehungersite.com/
http://www.smiletrain.org/
http://www.anysoldier.com/

[Redwolf]

I may be alone here, but I think there's more going on with the stepmother than meets the eye. I can't believe that insufferably rude response to a query about receiving flowers that someone had spent good money on. My mother would have tanned my hide if I'd responded to a question about a gift that way.

Someone gives you a gift. Whether it's your idea of the perfect gift or not, you acknowledge it. You say "Thank you." That's common courtesy. You acknowledge the kindness of the other person's thinking about you (which is the real gift, anyway). If you can't be bothered to do that, there's one word for you...rude.

I have to say, susnfx, that your dad and his wife are behaving badly. If I were in the same situation, I would seriously consider whether it was important to ME to continue to send them gifts, whether they cared about them or not. If the answer was "yes," I'd continue to do so, and to hell with whether they ever bothered to acknowledge them or not. If the answer was "no," I would simply stop sending them...no explanation required. If they ask why you've stopped, you can explain, if you want to, but I wouldn't bother otherwise.

Redwolf

[cowtime]

I would flat out ask them what they would like for Christmas this year. You'll probably get "Oh, you don't have to get us anything". Say you know you don't HAVE to, you WANT to, and want to get them something they would like. They may still insist they don't want anything. Then you know you are off the hook (I would still do the handwritten letter, I think that's a great idea).

Or, alternatively, you could ask them if there's a particular charity they support that you could make a donation in their honor. As long as it's not a morally reprehensible one to you, it's a great gesture. Someone I know once said, "Donating to YOUR favorite charity is NOT a gift to ME. But if you donate to MY charity, that is treasured."

If your relationship with them is such you feel you can't ask them, then maybe the letter is the way to go. I don't know.

I really think this would cause less grief. Unless your dad doesn't deserve to use the title, you should remember him in some way. If he really does not want/need anything, the charity of their choice, or yours, would be a really good alternative, and one that you could do each year without trying to think of another gift.

[BillChin]

I give lots of gifts, all year round, not just at Christmas time. Some folks are very thankful. Some want to reciprocate with expensive gifts back to me. Some say nothing at all. Some might even throw the gifts away, or destroy them in a few minutes. Some of that behavior used to bother me. No more. I have no control over how someone else will respond. I give because I enjoy it, and enjoy the shopping.

I see no right or wrong in the situation described in the original post. Plenty of folks, men especially, would rather go into combat than take the time end effort to write a thank you note. I'm not kidding about that either. Deal with that reality and life will be happier for everyone.

Give or give not, it matters not. Thank or do not thank, it matters not. There is no right or wrong answer. Yes, some actions may be considered rude by some, but that is far different from right or wrong, or ethical or unethical. To expect something in return that hasn't been coming for a decade now, is something else. Keep expecting that bus that isn't on any schedule and you will almost certainly be disappointed. Some folks that never write a "thank you" note may go out of their way in other matters.

I will add that many close friendships, and families are destroyed over what outsiders might say are inanely petty disputes. Often times the petty dispute is a symbol, and the real fight is about deep seated problems and long unsettled arguments.