acting like a friend versus actually being a friend

[Domhnall]

Friends can sit in the car silent for hours silently and it not be awkward. They can also sleep in the same bed and it not be weird.

I think that hits the nail on the head.

[anniemcu]

A lot of single men live in that kind of isolation.

And women.

Susan

Yes, too many.

[anniemcu]

Friends can sit in the car silent for hours silently and it not be awkward. They can also sleep in the same bed and it not be weird.

I think that hits the nail on the head.

True enough.

[peeplj]

You know, once a person asked me how to tell the difference between a weasel and a ferret.

The simple answer: pick it up.

I told ya that to tell ya this: a friendly acquaintance still has teeth and claws, and, depending on circumstance, you may feel them, although a friendly acquaintance usually won't bite your whole entire head off.

A true friend's pointy parts are only for eating pizza with you.



--James

[Doug_Tipple]

My wife has been a hair dresser for many years. When one of her long-term customers passed away, the woman's husband gave my wife a small present in remembrance of his late wife. The hand-written card read "To one of my wife's best friends". My wife treats all of her customers in a friendly manner, but she doesn't consider most of her customers as personal friends.

[dwest]

I have a whole variety of personal friends, as the Girl Guides would say "some are silver and the others gold." Some I have trusted with my life on more than one occasion such as climbing buddies, and LE partners. Others have always been there when needed during a variety of different life challenges. Some friends have been great when the going really got tough but not so much when things were smooth, others were and are the opposite. Even those who might not show up during the loss of a loved one can still be true friends, they all have different tolerances for life challenges, I try not to judge what I think they should or shouldn't do during these times. Some I haven't seen in years, yet when we get together it's as if we have never been apart, except for the hair loss, some are family which is especially nice, and a number of others might as well be "family." And then there are our drinking buddies, that's a whole different level, especially if they're buying.

[Flyingcursor]

Friends can sit in the car silent for hours silently and it not be awkward. They can also sleep in the same bed and it not be weird.

Jeepers Jack, that's swell. Can you define "weird" in this particular case?

[jim stone]

I had a colleague who I never saw socially, never took a meal
with, not after our first attempts. We had nothing in common
except philosophy, and his idea of a good time was
saying nasty things about people I admire. He was
extraordinarily clever and would poke holes in my
work, for which I thanked him because he helped
me improve it. He liked to fight but I wouldn't
fight with him. He was one of these fellows with
a difficult personality who knew it and tried
mightily to moderate himself, often unsuccessfully.
And that was all we ever had to do with each
other. Departmental meetings, brief chats in
the halls, exchanged comments on papers,
nothing more.

Then he called me up one day and told me he was dying
of cancer. A month later I took over his courses.
There was a note in my box one day: 'Thank you
for being my friend.' Then he was gone, at 54.

That was 12 years ago. I continue to grieve his loss.
Friendship is a kind of love and it is hard to predict
who we will love. The heart is a mystery. Sometimes
we don't know it ourselves.

[anniemcu]

....
Friendship is a kind of love and it is hard to predict
who we will love. The heart is a mystery. Sometimes
we don't know it ourselves.

Amen.

And thank you for being here for me when I needed you, Jim. For someone who didn't know me from Adam's off ox, you did me a lot of good. I would be pleased if you let me call you friend.

Except for a couple of topics in the rubber room... then, no holds barred.

[HDSarah]

When told, "You have something on your nose." Always reply, "Is it money?"

Reminds me of the song "If my nose was running money I'd blow it all on you." I found a YouTube of it at
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egCeIwjIuZM
There's a long (but funny) introduction with funny song titles, and the actual song starts about 2 minutes in.

My husband thinks this is a very romantic song. But then I fell in love with him all those years ago partly because he made me laugh . . .

[Tikva]

Does it matter whether its a real friendship or if its just an act out of politeness?

Oh yes, it does!
You can confide in a friend without thinking twice, but if you confuse a good act with real friendship, that's the most dangerous thing to do.

Your friend would never tell on you or go advertising with your "secrets" (meaning personal information that's not meant for anybody else's ears). Someone faking it would do so under the right circumstances (e.g. getting a job, getting closer to more "popular" people,...).

Don't fool yourself into believing this kind of behavior stopped after high school. In my oppinion faking friendship is the first step to bullying someone effectively. - I really can do without those folks.

The main problem is to discern the real friend from the effective faker. - I'm still looking for the perfect method.

[Bubbie]

Let us not forget, "I just want to be friends." Generally speaking: no, they don't.

[hyldemoer]

Your friend would never tell on you or go advertising with your "secrets" (meaning personal information that's not meant for anybody else's ears).

Total strangers have told me startling things about themselves. Since I don't know them from Adam I suppose I could turn around and tell others, especially since they didn't seem to have a problem telling me in the first place

but what I've found kicks in for me is the "Code of Practice" I've had to maintain in various occupations; where anything said in this room is just between the two of us.

The total opposite to that are the so called "friends" (rather, just acquaintances) that might either fabricate or wrongly interpret things about me and blab it around.

But I ask you now, if they're fabricating or interpreting out of their own subjective experience are they less worthy of friendship
or is it just a feature one's friendship with them that one would have to work around?

[Nanohedron]

The total opposite to that are the so called "friends" (rather, just acquaintances) that might either fabricate or wrongly interpret things about me and blab it around.

But I ask you now, if they're fabricating or interpreting out of their own subjective experience are they less worthy of friendship
or is it just a feature one's friendship with them that one would have to work around?

For me, such are not in any sense friends. At all. I've had that happen to me, and for as much as one might invest in the "at least they're talking about you" factor (was it Oscar Wilde who said that? Sounds like him), the account is bankrupt. My reasons:

1) It's almost invariably behind your back. If ever it DOES come to your face, it's long after the damage done, and woe to you should you set the record straight: you are of course lying about it. Wink wink, nudge nudge.

2) No real friend, even if misinterpreting, would freely blab something he or she essentially fabricated. Period. Public aspects of my person are another matter entirely: I preemptively let people know what's up. Subsequent fabrications, if any, let me know who's who.

3) A friend would come to me FIRST, and ASK, fercryinoutloud. A real friend - by my definition - would say something to the effect of, "Not to worry; this is just between you and me," and mean it. Then it's for me to thank them, or say that it's okay and I really don't care.

You know the saying: "With friends like these...", and so on. Sayings aside, they're not necessarily enemies. They are, at best, just acquaintances.

But to your question, are they worthy? Of general compassion, yes. Of my trust, no. Arm's length, preferably a cordial arm's length, is my usual standard for such as those. In work situations, I'll be polite. Warm and engaging, even, but nothing more to them than a human being. Certainly not a friend as I count it. If that sounds phony or confused, I can't help anyone there. My own parameters are clear enough to me, and I'm okay with it.

Some have earned my outright enmity, and trust me, you have to work at that.

[I.D.10-t]

First let me say that I have little time for those that gossip and those that listen to it. Both should be kept at arms distance. It seems to go against manners that I think should still be adhered to.

Here is my philosophy.

It seems a friend will knock you down when you need it and pick you up when you need it to. Those that want to see you fall will give you enough rope to hang you when you get to high and will shake the tree to make you fall. Acquaintances don't put forward enough effort to know when you need something and don't go through the effort to work against you.

It makes me think of...

The parable of the bird.

A little bird was flying south for winter. The bird soon became cold and fell into the snow. The bird was too cold to move. A cow came by and dropped some dung on the bird. The bird thought it was doomed and cursed the cow. Soon the bird realized how warm it was and began to sing for joy for he could move his wings. A passing cat heard the bird singing, dig him out and ate him.

Lessons to be learned from the story:
1) Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy;
2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend
3) If you are happy sitting in deep stuff keep your mouth shut.