Jokes

[anniemcu]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' Eight,' the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one.'

[Innocent Bystander]

"Number One daughter, your mother and I will be visiting the Matchmaker to make arrangements for you and your sisters. If you have any preference for the kind of man you would like to marry, please tell us, and it may help us to come to a decision."
"Honourable Father, I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his shirt."
"A noble aspiration, my daughter! Such a man would be high in the Imperial Service! It may be difficult to arrange, but I applaud your ambition. A man with three dragons on his shirt! Excellent!"
"Number two daughter, now I must ask you the same question. If you have a preference for the kind of man you would wish to marry, please tell us."
"Honourable Father, my dreams do not fly so high. I would be happy to marry a man with two dragons on his shirt."
"Modesty is a becoming virtue, and although such a man would also be high in the Imperial Service, this might in truth be easier to arrange. Well said, my daughter!"
"Number three daughter, although you show little respect for your family, we will make arangements for you too. So say now, the manner of man you wish to marry."
"Aw, hell, pops, just get me a man with one dragon on the floor..."

[Innocent Bystander]

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge,
he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good
home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without
even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were
too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed
the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.' The next day someone stole it.


One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone
shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and
said...'where???'


While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction
was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every
morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother
explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook
her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.'


My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard
one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on
her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't
think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.


I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half kilogram
sirloin. She informed me they only had an 500g sirloin. Not wanting to
make a scene, I told her I would take the 500g steak instead of the
half-kgr.

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the boot...


My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....


I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip
out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose
and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is
turned...


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional
and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived
yet?'...


While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to
go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6
pieces.

[djm]

My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....

This one works out, I think. If each case is 100 shekels, and you get a 10% discount on each, then 2 cases would cost 180 shekels, which is the same as saying 20% off 200 shekels, which still comes to 180 shekels for two cases.

Or am I wrong?

djm

[djm]

I have no idea if this is true or not, but it makes for a good story:

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stock pile of these great cigars, and without yet having made even his 1st premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small
fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be an unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'.

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000
fine.

djm

[MagicSailor]

My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....

This one works out, I think. If each case is 100 shekels, and you get a 10% discount on each, then 2 cases would cost 180 shekels, which is the same as saying 20% off 200 shekels, which still comes to 180 shekels for two cases.

Or am I wrong?

djm

20 shekels off 200 shekels is 180 shekels. 20% off 200 shekels is 160 shekels plus tips, so make it an even 200

Owen

[djm]

Oh, dash this new math!

djm

[WyoBadger]

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge,
he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good
home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without
even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were
too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed
the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.' The next day someone stole it.

That is profoundly true.

[anniemcu]

My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....

This one works out, I think. If each case is 100 shekels, and you get a 10% discount on each, then 2 cases would cost 180 shekels, which is the same as saying 20% off 200 shekels, which still comes to 180 shekels for two cases.

Or am I wrong?

djm

Yup.. you're wrong.

10% off each, or both adds up to 20 shekels off the two 100 shekel cases, but 20% off would be 40 shekels off... a significant savings.

[TyroneShoelaces]

I have no idea if this is true or not, but it makes for a good
story:
---------------------
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that
the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer
held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure them against
fire, without defining what is considered to be an unacceptable 'fire' and
was obligated to pay the claim. djm

you're right . . . it makes for a good story. . . but i doubt if it actually
happened.

you said that a premium had never been paid on the policy. if there was
no consideration given by the plaintiff then the insurer would not have
been contractually obligated. also, policies typically state that the
coverage takes effect after the insurance company receives
payment.

finally, as if all of the above isn't enough, the insurance company and the
judge certainly would have known that insurance policies have a
limitations and exclusions provision that preclude the insurer from paying
on a claim when the policyholder willfully destroys the property that is
insured.

it is an amusing story, though.

[TyroneShoelaces]

continuing the courtroom theme, here is a true
classic:
---------
In a court in Killarney, deep in Munster, Ireland, this conversation is
reported to have taken place:

Lawyer: 'At the scene of the accident, Mr O'Shea, did you tell the
Garda officer that you had never felt better in your life?'

O'Shea the farmer: 'That's right, sir.'

Lawyer: 'Well then, Mr O'Shea, how is it that you are now claiming
you were seriously injured when my client's car hit your cart?'

O'Shea the farmer: 'When the Garda arrived, he went over to my
horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Darcy,
my dog, who was badly hurt, and shot him.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me,
and said, 'How are you feeling?' I just thought under the circumstances,
it was a wise choice of words to say: 'I've never felt better in my life.'

[Flyingcursor]

My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....

This one works out, I think. If each case is 100 shekels, and you get a 10% discount on each, then 2 cases would cost 180 shekels, which is the same as saying 20% off 200 shekels, which still comes to 180 shekels for two cases.

Or am I wrong?

djm

20 shekels off 200 shekels is 180 shekels. 20% off 200 shekels is 160 shekels plus tips, so make it an even 200

Owen

Except that if I went into a store to buy beer I wouldn't be tipping. If I were in a bar or restaraunt then I would.

[jsluder]

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge,
he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good
home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without
even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were
too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed
the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.' The next day someone stole it.

A co-worker of mine did something similar with several bags of leaves. (This was back in the days before the city would collect yard waste.) He had raked up the leaves in his yard and placed the bags on the sidewalk with a sign that read, "FREE: Leaves for Mulch." The bags sat there for a week with no takers, so he changed the sign to say, "Mulch Materials, $1/bag." The bags disappeared overnight.

[Lambchop]

My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....

This one works out, I think. If each case is 100 shekels, and you get a 10% discount on each, then 2 cases would cost 180 shekels, which is the same as saying 20% off 200 shekels, which still comes to 180 shekels for two cases.

Or am I wrong?

djm

Yup.. you're wrong.

10% off each, or both adds up to 20 shekels off the two 100 shekel cases, but 20% off would be 40 shekels off... a significant savings.

Ah ha! The pseudocommutative property of a multiplicity of percentages.

If you're still confused -- and it's easy, due to the fact that 10% and 20% are easily "doubled" -- try another example. This one points out the fallacy.

If a case was 50% off, it would be half price. If you bought two cases, would you them get them for free?

That is, is it 2 x 50% = 100% off? No. It would still be 50% off the total of both cases.

1 x 50% = 0.5
1 x 50% = 0.5
------------------ add them to get
2 x 50% = 1

[Bubbie]

Ah ha! The pseudocommutative property of a multiplicity of percentages.

BINGO! GIVE THE LAMB A CIGAR (or whatever it is lambs smoke). It was bouncing around in my bean all day but I couldn't retrieve it. I KNEW there was something about you that I liked.