Jokes

Doc Jones · Post by **Doc Jones** » Tue Sep 11, 2007 5:45 pm

Denny wrote:
Doc Jones wrote:
Denny wrote:Note: never, ever, get a vet. started on jokes...

Hey Doc, do you know how to make a small fortune with horses?
No Denny, how?
it's easy. start with a large one

]

In The Woods · Post by **In The Woods** » Tue Sep 11, 2007 6:03 pm

OK, I'll play too.

Drought joke: It's been so dry around here during the last month and a half that a man down the road from me caught a catfish that had two ticks on it.

With best regards to all.

Steve Mack

anniemcu · Post by **anniemcu** » Tue Sep 11, 2007 10:35 pm

The Girls' Night Out---

Two women friends had gone for a girls night out. They both were
very faithful, loving wives however, they had gotten a bit over
enthusiastic on margaritas at the club.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they
stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided
to take off her panties and use them. Her friend was wearing
expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them. Luckily she had
squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it
so she decided to wipe with that.

The next day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hungover. He phoned the
other husband and said "These 'girl ' s night out's have got to stop!
I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"

" That ' s nothing! " said the other husband, " Mine came back
with a card stuck to her butt that read:

FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION , WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!! "!

djm · Post by **djm** » Wed Sep 12, 2007 7:35 am

djm

anniemcu · Post by **anniemcu** » Wed Sep 12, 2007 10:00 am

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage
after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not
familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins
to read her book.

The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside
the woman and says, good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the
woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think.

doogieman · Post by **doogieman** » Thu Sep 13, 2007 8:37 am

Now that I have a 3 year old grandson, I like this joke even more:

The grandfather is pulling a wagon of manure to the garden,

What's that Pop Pop?

It's cow poop - I'm going to put it on my strawberries.

oh..................

We usually put whipped Cream on ours.

Denny · Post by **Denny** » Thu Sep 13, 2007 8:48 am

timing is everything...

djm · Post by **djm** » Thu Sep 13, 2007 11:07 am

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient sexual activity in their lives tend to read their e-mails with their hand still on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off. It's too late....

djm

Doc Jones · Post by **Doc Jones** » Fri Aug 15, 2008 10:20 pm

Q: Why did the squirrel cross the road?

A: He wanted to show his girlfriend he had guts!

------------

A guy dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter takes him to his office to check him in. In St. Peter's office are thousands of clocks each showing a different time.

"What's with all the clocks?" asks the guy.
"Those are the clocks of truth" says St. Peter "There is one for each person that ever lived. When that person tells a lie, one minute passes on the clock."

The guy, looking around, finds a place on the wall where each clock has the name of a former president on it. "Wow" he says "George Washington's clock is only at ten after twelve" "Yes, says St. Peter, "George was very truthful". And Abe Lincoln's clock is only at 15 after twelve". "Yes" says St. Peter "that's why they called him honest Abe"

The guy looks arounf for awhile and says "I see all the presidents' clocks here but Bill Clinton's* where's his?"

"Oh" says St. Peter "the Boss has got that one up in his office. He's using it for a ceiling fan".

*Insert president or politician of choice here

Doc Jones · Post by **Doc Jones** » Fri Aug 15, 2008 10:31 pm

A guy goes into a diner in Mexico. Next to him at the bar is a guy enjoying a plate with two enormous "mountain oysters"

"Say that looks good" says the guy to the waiter I'll have that.

"I'm sorry senor, says the waiter. The mountain oysters they come from the bullfight across the street. We only get one order a day".

The next day the guy comes back. "Has anyone ordered the mountain oysters from the bullfight today" he asks the waitier.

"No senor, no one has ordered them today" says the waiter

"Great" says the guy "I'll take them"

THe waiter brings back the plate with two smallish mountain oysters.

"Hey" says the guy "What gives?" yesterday I came in here and the mountain oyseters were huge and today you're giving me these dinky little rascals"

"I'm sorry senor" says the waiter "but the bull, he don't always lose".

Doc Jones · Post by **Doc Jones** » Fri Aug 15, 2008 10:38 pm

And, of course, the ever tasteless "guy with no arms and no legs" jokes...

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on a porch?

Matt

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?

Art

In a swimming pool?

Bob

In a pile of leaves?

Russel

In a mailbox?

Bill

Water skiing?

Skip

In a hole?

Phil

MagicSailor · Post by **MagicSailor** » Sat Aug 16, 2008 9:30 am

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, it's a hardware problem.

How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, diagnostics says it's OK, so it must be a software problem.

Regards,

Owen Morgan

Yacht Magic
Anchored in the lagoon, St Maarten

My new blog.
Click here for my latest reported position. (Use the satellite view.)

SteveShaw · Post by **SteveShaw** » Tue Aug 19, 2008 4:46 pm

Doc Jones wrote:And, of course, the ever tasteless "guy with no arms and no legs" jokes...

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on a porch?

Matt

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?

Art

In a swimming pool?

Bob

In a pile of leaves?

Russel

In a mailbox?

Bill

Water skiing?

Skip

In a hole?

Phil

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who swims the English Channel?

Clever Dick

I'll get my coat...

anniemcu · Post by **anniemcu** » Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:35 pm

There was this man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms. One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit
suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he
now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. The 'One-armed' man was surprised and asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

The armless man said, "I'm NOT happy. My ass itches."

anniemcu · Post by **anniemcu** » Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:37 pm

Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so,
Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find
out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very
excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?" Bill replied, "I have been in jail." "Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world
for?" "Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?" "Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her.
What about her?" "Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'
and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury.