Nominees for the worst things ever said...

[SteveShaw]

Back to the original question of worst things to say to someone who has just lost a loved one...... "Apart from that, Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?"

[Doc Jones]

When I was 12 years old my beloved grandfather died. I was absolutely devastated. I remember only two things very distinctly from that time: how I heard the news and something that was said to me at his viewing. I was standing next to my mother and people were filing by, giving their condolences. An older man leaned down and said to me, "You're going to miss grandpa, aren't you?" It was as if he'd driven a knife into my heart. It took all my pain and drove it straight into my soul. It seems like a perfectly decent, harmless thing to say and yet I've never forgotten the pain it caused me.

Ever since then, I've never understood the need people have to say anything other than, "I'm so sorry."

It's not that I can't "get over it," it's just something that was so painful that it seared itself into my memory. You never know what words you'll say that will hit the wrong nerve at the wrong time. People are deeply emotional and their feelings are very open at a time of death and dismissing their feelings hypersensitivity is a little heartless, it seems to me.

Susan

This is a perfect example of how things might be mis-interpereted by a grieving person. It may well be that the person that said this saw a little girl grieving and wanted to give her an opportunity to talk about how she felt. Kieth's first advice was best...more listening, less talking.

I've served as a clergyman as well. Seems to me that the most important thing people need in such circumstances is a listening ear.

We have an instinctive desire to help...to fix things and make everything better. It's rarely what people need. People know how to fix their own problems. Mostly they need someone to hear and understand the problems. Offering a quickie solution or platitude diminishes the seriousness of the problem and, frankly, shows disrespect for the person sharing the problem.

When someone comes to me with a serious problem I've learned to shut my mouth and listen. When they're finished I say "that really is so hard. What do you think you'll do?" Then I shut my mouth and listen some more. At the very end, if there seems to be some way I could help I say something like "would it be helpful to you if I did thus and so?".

It's important not to trivialize the very real sorrows and problems of others with offerings of cliches or quick fixes. Mostly people need to be able to share their sorrow, not have it repaired.

Doc

[anniemcu]

Good stuff there, Doc.

There is a certain period where the pain is so raw, maybe especially for kids, that there is nothing you can say that doesn't drive the knife in a bit deeper. It's as if acknowledging it in any way just deepens the wound. That said, grief is one of those things, where the only way to get through it is to acknowledge it, and some of that pain just has to be gone through. It is hard when the 'blame' gets put on the person who said something. It does misplace the energy, and can put a roadblock on that part of the grieving process. I think we all need that ear that Doc and others have pointed out... someone to listen to us go through the stages of our grief, not tell us how silly we're being, or how crying won't help, or the other cliches mentioned earlier, but to let us pour it out until we get to the point where we've cleansed our hearts of the anger, cried enough tears, come to grips with the facts, like them or not, and are able to finally go on from 'here'. That's a lot of listening, and it takes a lot of time, so it is too much to expect out of one person, but every little bit of it helps. I've had to practice this a lot in the last decade or so. It doesn't actually get any easier or quicker, I think, just a little less surprising. Having people understand what you are going through makes a lot of difference.

[pastorkeith]

anniemcu said:
I think we all need that ear that Doc and others have pointed out... someone to listen to us go through the stages of our grief, not tell us how silly we're being, or how crying won't help, or the other cliches mentioned earlier, but to let us pour it out until we get to the point where we've cleansed our hearts of the anger, cried enough tears, come to grips with the facts, like them or not, and are able to finally go on from 'here'. That's a lot of listening, and it takes a lot of time, so it is too much to expect out of one person, but every little bit of it helps.

Thanks Annie - much more eloquent than I could muster and truer than true. The very heart of both my experience and my hope.
pastorkeith

[Nanohedron]

I've always had difficulty with the grief of others. What do you say??? I can't mouth platitudes ("...in a better place," that sort of thing). Sometimes just a hug, or as Annie pointed out, an ear, is best.

[anniemcu]

One important thing to add ...

If you need someone to listen, let them know. It is ever so hard to go through grief, but it is nearly as hard to approach someone you know is grieving, just because it is so difficult to know what to say. And if someone does say the frequently scoffed at, but I think very thoughtful, "Let me know if there is anything I can do.", by all means, call them and tell them you really just need an ear to vent to, a shoulder to cry on, a wall to bounce off of... a plate of cookies, a box of tissues, a ride to the library, a phone call made, a kind word, or permission to call at any hour if the weight gets to be too much. They did offer, and I find that the people who say that generally really mean it... they want to do something that will help, not offer platitudes.

It can be so heavy, sometimes we just need someone to help carry it a little way... not to take it over ... just to acknowledge that we have it and that they still love us. Too often, people just sort of back away, not wanting to risk any involvement. Too bad. It is an opportunity to help someone in need and to grapple with an important part of life from an outside position in preparation for when we are inevitably in the same boat.

[SteveShaw]

One important thing to add ...

If you need someone to listen, let them know. It is ever so hard to go through grief, but it is nearly as hard to approach someone you know is grieving, just because it is so difficult to know what to say. And if someone does say the frequently scoffed at, but I think very thoughtful, "Let me know if there is anything I can do.", by all means, call them and tell them you really just need an ear to vent to, a shoulder to cry on, a wall to bounce off of... a plate of cookies, a box of tissues, a ride to the library, a phone call made, a kind word, or permission to call at any hour if the weight gets to be too much. They did offer, and I find that the people who say that generally really mean it... they want to do something that will help, not offer platitudes.

It can be so heavy, sometimes we just need someone to help carry it a little way... not to take it over ... just to acknowledge that we have it and that they still love us. Too often, people just sort of back away, not wanting to risk any involvement. Too bad. It is an opportunity to help someone in need and to grapple with an important part of life from an outside position in preparation for when we are inevitably in the same boat.

The alpha and omega post of the thread annie. You're a good 'un!

[emmline]

I've always had difficulty with the grief of others. What do you say??? I can't mouth platitudes ("...in a better place," that sort of thing). Sometimes just a hug, or as Annie pointed out, an ear, is best.

Or just nothing, because you're right. Just "hey," and a pat. "I'm so sorry." And that's all.
Unless you, based on personal knowledge, have something further you can add, or have some help that you're going to legitimately offer and that's the time and place for it, I don't think anyone's looking for you to say more.

My mother-in-law just died on Hallowe'en. She was 84, and had been ailing and declining, so her death didn't have the tragicness of, e.g., the unexpected death of a younger person, but dealing with the visitors at a viewing and that sort of thing is fresh in my mind. It's really enough to just say that you're sorry. The family can simply thank you for caring, and it's really enough for the situation.

[anniemcu]

I've always had difficulty with the grief of others. What do you say??? I can't mouth platitudes ("...in a better place," that sort of thing). Sometimes just a hug, or as Annie pointed out, an ear, is best.

Or just nothing, because you're right. Just "hey," and a pat. "I'm so sorry." And that's all.
Unless you, based on personal knowledge, have something further you can add, or have some help that you're going to legitimately offer and that's the time and place for it, I don't think anyone's looking for you to say more.

My mother-in-law just died on Hallowe'en. She was 84, and had been ailing and declining, so her death didn't have the tragicness of, e.g., the unexpected death of a younger person, but dealing with the visitors at a viewing and that sort of thing is fresh in my mind. It's really enough to just say that you're sorry. The family can simply thank you for caring, and it's really enough for the situation.

Emm, sorry for your loss.

[rebl_rn]

The worst thing I have heard was said to the father of an infant who died at birth - "Well, at least it's cheaper to bury them than to raise them."

[cowtime]

The worst thing I have heard was said to the father of an infant who died at birth - "Well, at least it's cheaper to bury them than to raise them."

[Walden]

The worst thing I have heard was said to the father of an infant who died at birth - "Well, at least it's cheaper to bury them than to raise them."

Yeah, that ranks way up there.

[anniemcu]

The worst thing I have heard was said to the father of an infant who died at birth - "Well, at least it's cheaper to bury them than to raise them."

Oh my goodness! I'm afraid i'd have been driven to reshape that person's jaw. .. unless it was someone I knew had been through the same thing ... then i might have missed his head, but i think I'd have still swung. Jiminy!

[djm]

Get's my vote.

djm

[rodfish]

This has been good thread. It touches on a subject I've struggled with a lot in the last several years. Just what to say to someone who has recently suffered the tragic loss of a loved one.
At the funeral or memorial service, there often isn't time to say much and the platitudes do come readily to mind; especially for those like myself who aren't especially eloquent or quick witted, yet who greatly desire to at least say something!

Good advice here.

Thank you all.