Phonetic Anagrams ....

[djm]

Dirty, dirty, dirty.
Who's a dirty bird?
<gra-a-a-a-ck> <phwee>

djm

[emmline]

I'm coming up with punchlines to old jokes.

Like Rudy the Bolshevik whose wife skeptically questions his weather-predicting ability, to which he replies "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Or the bartender who has to confess (to the doctor who always comes in after a hard day to unwind with an acorn daquiri,) that he'd run out of acorns and had to substitute hickory nuts. "You're right...it's a hickory daquiri Doc."

[Nanohedron]

I'm coming up with punchlines to old jokes.

Like Rudy the Bolshevik whose wife skeptically questions his weather-predicting ability, to which he replies "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Or the bartender who has to confess (to the doctor who always comes in after a hard day to unwind with an acorn daquiri,) that he'd run out of acorns and had to substitute hickory nuts. "You're right...it's a hickory daquiri Doc."

Oh, jeez. How about that one where a fellow suffering from irregularity consults a Chinese herbalist, and the punchline is, "With fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

[anniemcu]

Or how about, the difference between a girls' track team and a bunch of clever pygmies: the one is a bunch of cunning runts.

Or how about, the difference between a woman in the bathtub and a woman in the Salvation Army: the one has hope in her soul.

djm

The hairs on the back of your neck should be rising right about now...

[Innocent Bystander]

The version of Wombat's that I know is:

Better a full bottle in front of me than a full-frontal lobotomy.

I used to know a bloke that thought it was enormously funny, but he could never say it. In fact he never managed to say it properly in all the time I knew him. That was funny.

Here's one I wowed them with a week or two back:

Fashionable River-craft

Mrs Puggy-Wuggy has a square-cut punt
Not a punt cut-square
but a square-cut punt
It's round at the end and blunt in the front
Mrs Puggy-Wuggy has a square-cut punt.

[jsluder]

How 'bout the old "abcesses make the f*rt go Honda" joke?


Edit: And since when is "f*rt" a bad word?

[Anstapa]

f*rt?....fort is not a dirty word unless it is built on your land without your permission.

Anstapa

[CHasR]

Ted said, "Sven, send ten tents!", Sven said, "Ted, send ten cents!"; then Ted sent Sven ten cents, so Sven sent Ted ten tents.

[mutepointe]

i understand what you are saying. this would be a good game around the campfire.

regional dialects make this a problem. i live in southern west virginia and grew up in southwestern pennsylvania. raffle tickets are a big thing in pennsylvania, not such a big thing in west virginia. so when i saw a raffle ticket, i immediately wanted to buy a ticket, i asked what the prize was, the man kept saying "a raffle" and i kept saying, "yeah, i know it's a raffle but what do you win?" this went on forever until finally, i said, "ok, what kind of raffle is it?" and he said, "a deer rifle."

[Caroluna]

"yeah, i know it's a raffle but what do you win?" this went on forever

Wow! "Who's on first?"

I'm coming up with punchlines to old jokes.

My dad knows a bunch of these and can spin them out so they go on and on and on...

One about a very grumpy old piano tuner named Oppornockity who would go through a very long drawn out process to tune a piano perfectly, but would never do the job for you again, because unfortunately, "Oppornockity tunes but once"

Another is a long story about the magical properties of the Foo bird-- a bird so magical that even its feathers and droppings have mystical properties-- so that "if the Foo sh*ts, wear it"

And one about this annoying rare bird that builds its nest waaaaaay up in the mountains and these guys have to knock the nest over to get rid of it, but it's a long long way to tip a rarie.

[djm]

One about a very grumpy old piano tuner named Oppornockity who would go through a very long drawn out process to tune a piano perfectly, but would never do the job for you again, because unfortunately, "Oppornockity tunes but once"

And it's tough to tune a tuna.

djm

[Wombat]

Ted said, "Sven, send ten tents!", Sven said, "Ted, send ten cents!"; then Ted sent Sven ten cents, so Sven sent Ted ten tents.

Reminds me of an old Army Intelligence joke. It's about the unreliability of whispered messages sent down a word of mouth chain.

Soldiers are holding a position in a trench. The commander decides to send his intentions down to command at the other end of the trench. It starts out as 'Am going to advance. Send reinforcements.' By the time it reaches command it has morphed into 'Am going to a dance. Send three and fourpence.'

You can tell that's an old one. From before the days of decimal currency in Australia.

[CHasR]

Ted said, "Sven, send ten tents!", Sven said, "Ted, send ten cents!"; then Ted sent Sven ten cents, so Sven sent Ted ten tents.

Reminds me of an old Army Intelligence joke. It's about the unreliability of whispered messages sent down a word of mouth chain.

Soldiers are holding a position in a trench. The commander decides to send his intentions down to command at the other end of the trench. It starts out as 'Am going to advance. Send reinforcements.' By the time it reaches command it has morphed into 'Am going to a dance. Send three and fourpence.'

You can tell that's an old one. From before the days of decimal currency in Australia.

Ive waited for MONTHS to find a respectable way to post the Sven/Ted thing... didnt have nearly enough courage to start some candy-@ssed 'tounge twister' thread....

[fyffer]

Here's one I think I made up:

This is not necessarily Sara Lee's celery.

Try that one on for size.

[djm]

Phoenician angiograms

djm