OT - Just a Joke

dkehoe · Post by **dkehoe** » Thu Oct 03, 2002 11:59 am

It seems these three guy were painting a church (pick your own denomination). They started at the bottom, and decided to paint up. As they progressed, they realized that there was more church than paint, so they added water to the paint. They continued to do this, so that by the time they got to the steeple, their paint looked like milk. As they were finishing the steeple, dark clouds gathered above, there was a clap of thunder, and a loud voice proclaimed:

"REPAINT AND THIN NO MORE!"

TomB · Post by **TomB** » Thu Oct 03, 2002 12:05 pm

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

(if you want to follow Dale's caveat, make it a whistle playing elephant).

StevieJ · Post by **StevieJ** » Thu Oct 03, 2002 12:11 pm

On 2002-10-03 05:33, mike.r wrote:
Taoism:^^it happens
Protestantism: Let ++it happen to someone else
Catholicism: If ++it happens,you deserved it Judaism:Why does **it always happen to us?
Atheism:No ( )it
TV Evangelism:Send more $$it
Budhism: If °°it happens,its not really °°it
Zen Budhism:What is the sound of !#it happening?
Jehovahs Witnessism:We can only take so much %%it
Hinduism:This :)it happened before.

You left out my favourite:

Rastafarianism: let's roll this sh*t up and smoke it!

avanutria · Post by **avanutria** » Thu Oct 03, 2002 12:12 pm

Tyghress happened to post the newly official "Funniest joke in the world":

http://www.cnn.com/2002/TECH/science/10 ... index.html

WhistlingGypsy · Post by **WhistlingGypsy** » Thu Oct 03, 2002 1:45 pm

THIS SIGN WAS POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.

Well done. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!

WhistlingGypsy · Post by **WhistlingGypsy** » Thu Oct 03, 2002 1:47 pm

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell
phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks
for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced
a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
the Canuck just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks...like I
said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of
"WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar. The bartender says,
"Say, you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25
pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big
he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you....... so how much does he
weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed
25 pounds the day he was born."

The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson beer, wipes his lips
on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him
circumcised".

jmadjeski · Post by **jmadjeski** » Thu Oct 03, 2002 7:47 pm

One day, I decided that I was feeling adventurous, so I went into a music store ith the objective of pickinf up a new instrument or two. After perusing the inventory, I ot the attention of the proprietor and pointed out two instruments, saying, "I'll take that drum, and that saxophone."

The proprietor of the store, regarding me, said, "You play the tinwhistle, don't you?"

I questioned, "Yeah, how did you know?"

He replied, "Well, that DRUM, you can buy, but the FIRE EXTINGUISHER isn't for sale!"

Tyghress · Post by **Tyghress** » Thu Oct 03, 2002 7:53 pm

On 2002-10-03 14:12, avanutria wrote:
Tyghress happened to post the newly official "Funniest joke in the world":

http://www.cnn.com/2002/TECH/science/10 ... index.html

Beth, that joke must have also been the FASTEST joke to circle the planet. I got it in email from a manager.

Brenna Joy · Post by **Brenna Joy** » Fri Oct 04, 2002 10:59 am

Rene Descartes was in a music store looking at tin whistles and the store owner asks him, "Would you like a feadog or a clarke?"
Rene says "I think not," and disappears.

"Cogito ergo sum" - I think therefore I am.

This is why you should always take any whistles that are offered to you.

_________________

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Brenna Joy on 2002-10-04 13:00 ]</font>

Gary · Post by **Gary** » Fri Oct 04, 2002 11:17 am

Two whistlers are in a pub when the one with a Sindt collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy (He has a Burke) takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then the sound of a Sindt being smashed to smithereens. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Wombat · Post by **Wombat** » Fri Oct 04, 2002 11:28 am

Gary, I think that's *almost* the world's best joke.

Here's another unpretentious little number.

We sat in our trench playing Banish Misfortune on several whistles, most of them in D. Then we saw them coming over the horizon. Boy was it scarey. So there we were, five against two thousand by the look of it. We stopped playing and picked up our rifles. This was clearly not going to be easy.

They charged and they charged and we fired and we fired. Phew how long can we hold out. They charged some more and we fired some more. But we persevered and the prayed for miracle happened. After several more charges we finally succeeded in killing all five of them.

SteveK · Post by **SteveK** » Fri Oct 04, 2002 11:39 am

Did you hear about the skeleton with an O'Riordan whistle who walked into a pub where there was a session? He went up to the bartender and asked for a beer and a mop.

Steve

WhistlingGypsy · Post by **WhistlingGypsy** » Fri Oct 04, 2002 2:19 pm

An Irish tinwhistle player moves to the USA & finally attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approached the batter's box, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run."
The next batter hits a single & the Irishman listened as the crowd again
cheered "Run, Run." The Irishman enjoyed the game & began screaming with
the fans.
The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk"
and the batter started his slow trot to first base.
The Irishman stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye basmati, run!"
The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the
Irishman sat back down. A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained - "He can't run he's got four balls."
The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, lad!"

Gary · Post by **Gary** » Fri Oct 04, 2002 3:15 pm

CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Church. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.

Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring hot dogs and guns. Everyone come for a fun time.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoy sinning to join the choir.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. Prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

chattiekathy · Post by **chattiekathy** » Fri Oct 04, 2002 6:08 pm

KIDS IN CHURCH

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
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A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
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A father took his 5-year-old son to several baseball games where The Star-spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game. Then the father and son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day. The congregation sang The Star-spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out, "PLAY BALL!!!"
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A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: “And forgive us our trash passes as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
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After a church service on Sunday Morning, a young boy suddenly announced to
his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's
Okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy,
"I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit and listen."
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A Sunday school teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday. One little boy wrote, "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could have been there."