I'll probably need some of those prayers and whatnot. UPDATE

Congratulations · Post by **Congratulations** » Fri Dec 22, 2006 7:57 pm

I think I'm about to come out to my mom. I've been convinced that I'd never come out to anyone in my family, but I really feel like I need to. So I'm going to start with Mom. My parents are separated, so Dad will have to come later. He'll be harder, I think. Anyway, as much as I'd like to tell her in person, with words from my mouth, I don't think I can. I've written her a letter that sort of gets out all of that stuff I want to blurt out all at once, and I've printed off a pamphlet from PFLAG that explains all those stupid "But is he really gay, or is it a choice?" questions.

Anyway, I'm really really nervous. I'm fairly certain she won't kick me out of the house, but I have no idea beyond that how she'll react. I still don't know if I should do it soon (tonight or tomorrow) or wait until after Christmas. It's sort of weird for me to be this confused. Believe it or not, I'm normally a fairly collected individual, and I normally have no problem deciding on what's the right thing to do. I'd appreciate a thought or two, as you can spare them.

djm · Post by **djm** » Fri Dec 22, 2006 8:02 pm

I would suggest waiting until after Xmas and all of the anything else that might be filling her thoughts. Dumping a big one on a person when their head is very full of something else is like taking them at their weakest moment, and your news may not get as much attention and forethought as it might deserve.

djm

Congratulations · Post by **Congratulations** » Fri Dec 22, 2006 8:07 pm

Yeah, good point. That makes me feel a little better about it, too, I suppose.

missy · Post by **missy** » Fri Dec 22, 2006 8:20 pm

considering the relationship I've had with my mother, I'm the LAST person to give you advice.
But you do what you feel you have to do, and I hope things turn out well for you.

Denny · Post by **Denny** » Fri Dec 22, 2006 8:48 pm

I'd say wait 'till after New Year, and then do it in person.

fyffer · Post by **fyffer** » Fri Dec 22, 2006 8:54 pm

Hi Congrats -- Since you're asking openly for opinions, I'll offer one, starting with a question: Do you think she really doesn't know? I mean, you're in college, right? And I think I've seen your blog, which at one time had a picture of you (I think). And you're not a bad looking guy -- so, have you ever brought a girlfriend home to Mom? If not, that might be a clue. You may be giving her less credit than she deserves. (Note: I'm straight, but I have a number of friends and acquaintances who are gay, and I think I know what I'm talking about, besides, I've been around long enough to know a couple of things.)

Also, she may really just be waiting for you to come out to her, and -- for your sake -- not letting you know that she already knows until you're ready to open up to her. That said, however, I would still wait until after Christmas, just in case things don't go swimmingly. Of course I can't even pretend to really understand how it feels to be in your situation, so take my advice with the requisite shaker of salt. I will send prayers your way, but I can offer that all my friends who are gay (male and female) have come out to their parents, and without exception, none of them have been disowned, or cut out of the will, or any of that. Of course, again, I don't know your family situation, but hopefully this very limited anecdotal evidence will help at least a little.

And don't do it in a letter. It's harder to do it face to face, but it IS the right thing to do. And starting with Mom is the right thing too. Remember, the most important thing is that she loves you (I'm sure she's told you that once or twice throughout your childhood

) and you love her, so if you start from a place of love, nothing but good can come out of it.

Best of luck. You've got my prayers.

carrie · Post by **carrie** » Fri Dec 22, 2006 8:59 pm

You have my very best wishes. Like anyone who takes a big step to be fully him/herself, I think you will feel so good afterwards...in time at least.

I am reminded of one of my favorite lines ever, from a play about Vita Sackville West and her affair with Violet. Vita's mother kicks her out of the house when she learns of the affair and says to Vita: "Pride leaves me no choice." Vita replies, "Love would give you more options." My bet is that you can count on the love (though I know you aren't worried about being kicked out).

Regarding timing: yeah, I suppose it makes sense to wait until your mom isn't distracted; on the other hand, I have learned the slow, hard way that waiting for the right time to say or do something important isn't as important as just doing it. I know I'm in a minority here, but I feel that if you need to do it in a letter, do it in a letter. It's a hard thing to do, I can well imagine; make it as easy on yourself as you need it to be.

Best wishes, and one more piece of advice: ignore any advice that doesn't feel right to you, including (maybe even especially) mine!

Carol

Denny · Post by **Denny** » Fri Dec 22, 2006 9:03 pm

aw Carol...good point!

If the right moment happens for the discussion take it.

Congratulations · Post by **Congratulations** » Fri Dec 22, 2006 9:27 pm

Thanks, guys. I'm definitely going to try and wait until after Christmas. But I don't think I can hold out until next year. I'm about to burst. I'm not sure why this feels so urgent all of a sudden, but it's really important to me that I do this soon. The situation is sort of delicate, so I'm having trouble "orchestrating" things, as it were.

About using the letter: I don't really want to do it in a letter, but there's several reasons for it. First of all, I'm more comfortable in writing. That's not a very good reason, but my mother and I have communicated extensively in writing in the past, even when we saw each other every day. So using a letter is nostalgic, in a way, for us. Plus, I haven't been able to get her alone--and I've tried. See, she's gotten married recently, and as much as I like and respect the guy, he's far from tolerant of homosexuals. I don't think less of him for it, but it does complicate things. So to have the conversation face to face would require him to be gone, which just doesn't seem to happen reliably. I really only want to use the letter to get past that first hurdle--that part where I want to say "MOM I'M GAY" uncomfortably loud, then run out of the room. I think I can use a letter for that, and once that's happened and she's done that first bit of crying or thinking or yelling or whatever, then we can get down to the business of talking. I agree it's not ideal, but I think it's my best option, at the moment.

As for her already knowing, well, I guess it's a possibility. I would be immensely surprised if she had any more than a vague notion, though. There have been a lot of moments, especially over this past summer, when she's reacted strangely or not at all to what could be "hints." Anyway, I would be caught off guard if she reacts to my coming out with "Oh, I know you're gay. It's all cool." I could surely be wrong, though.

At this point, my worst fear is that she ignores me. I don't care if she yells at me, or hugs me, or kicks me out of the house, I just don't want her to shut off and pretend like nothing's changed. That would absolutely cripple me.

But, at the same time, I know my mother, and I really think this is going to be okay. Hard as hell, but okay. Take a deep breath, I guess.

Thanks, everyone. You're all my favorite person.

Congratulations · Post by **Congratulations** » Fri Dec 22, 2006 9:33 pm

fyffer wrote:And you're not a bad looking guy

Do be careful! I am very susceptible to flattery.

emmline · Post by **emmline** » Fri Dec 22, 2006 9:44 pm

I concur with the good advice here. I'm with Carol in supporting the letter option as not a bad way to start if that's what works for you.

Wombat · Post by **Wombat** » Fri Dec 22, 2006 10:16 pm

Good luck with this Congratulations. I've only got one suggestion to add to the very good smorgasbord here. If teh main problem with a face to face announcement is your stepfather, maybe you could tell your mother in a letter that you have something delicate and personal to tell her which requires privacy and then give her the content face to face. It has the virtue that, if she's already guessed, she can prepare herself a bit.

I hope it goes really well for you.

chas · Post by **chas** » Fri Dec 22, 2006 10:43 pm

Congrats, you have my best wishes. And you make a very good argument for telling your mom in a letter. I think it's a good idea, because you can say it in the way you want to (Lord knows I've mucked up plenty of things I'd rehearsed perfectly), and because your mom can take it in slowly and won't have to respond on the spot.

I don't think I've seen in the thread: How do you think she'll take it?

Congratulations · Post by **Congratulations** » Fri Dec 22, 2006 11:00 pm

chas wrote:I don't think I've seen in the thread: How do you think she'll take it?

I'm mostly in the dark about this, but if I had to guess:

There is a slim possibility that she's guessed. That would change things significantly. But if it goes the way I predict, she'll be caught extremely off-guard, she'll cry a lot, and then maybe half an hour later she'll want to talk. And once she's able to sit down with me, and hear me talk about it, and she can see that I'm okay with this, that it's not something that's hurting me or anything, I think she'll come around. It'll take a while from there for her to fully comprehend, but that's my guess. Above all, she loves her children with everything she has, and I have to believe that that fact will make all of this come together.

anniemcu · Post by **anniemcu** » Fri Dec 22, 2006 11:45 pm

You have my best thoughts as you go through this. She's your mom, she'll handle it.