The "Why Do I Call Bloomfield Bloomberg" Contest -

Paul Reid · Post by **Paul Reid** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 8:28 am

The CRYSTAL clear answer here is that Bloom's avatar, designed by yours truly, is actually a deep phychological training device that has been used since the turn of the century. Though there were no computers, there were people with very quick hands that flipped cards to give the same effect.

On someone's bad advice, the cards were used on the maiden voyage of the Titanic in front of the Captain. This had the unfortunate resut of hypnotizing and rendering the Captain physically and mentally lethargic and when it came time to react suddenly to the object of their demise, he simply was not capable of doing so. The only thing he could mutter was "-berg!, -berg!". The crew though he was hungry and the rest is history.

In my studies, I have been able to, with pinpoint accuracy, modify the pattern to customise the effect. No longer is the intention to make the head's grey-jelly succumb to exhausted behaviour, but to replace many common words with the word "berg". Hence, "field" becomes "berg".

Simple really.

jsluder · Post by **jsluder** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 9:26 am

It all started with this:

BLOOM COUNTY, NIGERIA.

ATTENTION: BLOOMFIELD

DEAR SIR,

CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS PROPOSAL

HAVING CONSULTED WITH MY COLLEAGUES AND BASED ON THE INFORMATION GATHERED FROM THE BLOOM COUNTY CHAMBERS OF COMMERCE AND INDUSTRY, I HAVE THE PRIVILEGE TO REQUEST FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE TO TRANSFER THE NAME SUFFIX OF "BERGERMEISTERHAM" (ONE "BERGER", ONE "MEISTER" AND ONE "HAM") INTO YOUR NAME. THE ABOVE NAME SUFFIX RESULTED FROM AN OVER-INVOICED CONTRACT, EXECUTED COMMISSIONED AND PAID FOR ABOUT FIVE YEARS (5) AGO BY A FOREIGN CONTRACTOR. THIS ACTION WAS HOWEVER INTENTIONAL AND SINCE THEN THE NAME SUFFIX HAS BEEN IN A SUSPENSE ACCOUNT AT THE CENTRAL BANK OF BLOOM COUNTY.

WE ARE NOW READY TO TRANSFER THE NAME SUFFIX OVERSEAS AND THAT IS WHERE YOU COME IN. IT IS IMPORTANT TO INFORM YOU THAT AS CIVIL SERVANTS, WE ARE FORBIDDEN TO OPERATE A FOREIGN NAME CHANGE; THAT IS WHY WE REQUIRE YOUR ASSISTANCE. THE TOTAL NAME SUFFIX WILL BE SHARED AS FOLLOWS: 70% FOR US, 25% FOR YOU (WE SUGGEST "BERG") AND 5% FOR LOCAL AND INTERNATIONAL NAMES INCIDENT TO THE TRANSFER.

THE NAME TRANSFER IS RISK FREE ON BOTH SIDES. I AM A NAME ACCOUNTANT WITH THE NIGERIAN NATIONAL NAME CORPORATION (NNNC). IF YOU FIND THIS PROPOSAL ACCEPTABLE, WE SHALL REQUIRE THE FOLLOWING DOCUMENTS:

(A) YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE, DULY NOTARIZED.

(B) YOUR PRIVATE TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS -- FOR CONFIDENTIALITY AND EASY COMMUNICATION.

(C) YOUR LETTER-HEADED PAPER STAMPED AND SIGNED.

ALTERNATIVELY WE WILL FURNISH YOU WITH THE TEXT OF WHAT TO TYPE INTO YOUR LETTER-HEADED PAPER, ALONG WITH A BREAKDOWN EXPLAINING, COMPREHENSIVELY WHAT WE REQUIRE OF YOU. THE BUSINESS WILL TAKE US THIRTY (30) WORKING DAYS TO ACCOMPLISH.

PLEASE REPLY URGENTLY.

BEST REGARDS
PHILO

After getting suckered into the scam, Bloo was stuck with a worthless "BERG" and ended up losing his "FIELD".

FJohnSharp · Post by **FJohnSharp** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 9:30 am

And I love the thought of a suspense account. Is that where Alfred Hitchcock kept his money?

Jeferson · Post by **Jeferson** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 10:44 am

Geez, I misread this thing.

My post has been obliterated because it made no sense. Imagine that!

Jef

shadeclan · Post by **shadeclan** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 10:58 am

It's because poor PhilO has a speech impediment - he slurs his "fields".

Mother Bloo · Post by **Mother Bloo** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 12:04 pm

You are not to call my son "Bloomberg." His name is Bloomfield, and you know it. Back in my day I wouldn't have to say it, either.

Oh, I don't know why my son chooses to hang around here with you layabouts and reprobates. If he didn't, perhaps he would get out more and find a nice girl---wouldn't have to be a doctor, wouldn't have to be a lawyer, just someone with a little more sense than he has. Someone who could tell him that it's no way for an only child to care a fig about his mother and never visit, not even for the holidays. Or call! Like that's too much to ask for an aging, widowed mother, whose doctor has been very concerned.

jsluder · Post by **jsluder** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 12:18 pm

Bloomfield: Now mother, I'm going to uh, bring something up...

Mother Bloo: Haha... I am sorry, boy, but you do manage to look ludicrous when you give me orders.

Bloomfield: Please, mother.

Mother Bloo: No! I will not hide in the fruit cellar! Ha! You think I'm fruity, huh? I'm staying right here. This is my room and noone will drag me out of it, least of all my big, bold son!

Bloomfield: They'll come now, mother! He came after the girl and now someone will come after him. Please mother, it's just for a few days, just for a few days so they won't find you!

Mother Bloo: 'Just for a few days'? In that dark, dank fruit cellar? No! You hid me there once boy, and you'll not do it again, not ever again, now get out! I told you to get out, boy.

Bloomfield: I'll carry you, mother.

Mother Bloo: Bloomfield! What do you think you're doing? Don't you touch me, don't! BLOOMFIELD! Put me down, put me down, I can walk on my own...

.
.
.

Mother Bloo: It is sad when a mother has to speak the words that condemn her own son. I can't allow them to think I would commit murder. Put him away now as I should have years ago. He was always bad and in the end he intended to tell them I killed those girls and that man, as if I could do anything but just sit and stare like one of his stuffed birds. They know I can't move a finger and I want to just sit here and be quiet just in case they suspect me. They're probably watching me. Well, let them. Let them see what kind of a person I am. I'm not even going to swat that fly. I hope they are watching... they'll see. They'll see and they'll know, and they'll say, "Why, she wouldn't even harm a fly..."

Bloomfield · Post by **Bloomfield** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 12:33 pm

It's not funny.

Jeferson · Post by **Jeferson** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 1:17 pm

The truth hurts. And every one of us knows that mothers always speak the truth.

PhilO · Post by **PhilO** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 3:42 pm

Oh geez, I just realized I have to keep track of this stuff...including Dear old Norman...

Philo

RonKiley · Post by **RonKiley** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 3:56 pm

You can call him Bloomfield but ya don't have to call him Mister.

Ron

Bridges-PdP · Post by **Bridges-PdP** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 8:22 pm

um...you're getting old?

Ask yourself these questions:

Do my dress socks have gold toes/heels?

Do I wear my golf shoes with dress socks and shorts made from dress slacks while mowing the lawn?

Do my shopping habits revolve around which days of the week I can expect to receive a senior discount?

Does the AARP know me?

Have I been contacted by 'The Scooter Store'?

Yup...gettin' old.

Tommy · Post by **Tommy** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 9:48 pm

Bridges-PdP wrote:um...you're getting old?

Ask yourself these questions:

Do my dress socks have gold toes/heels?

And his Monday to Friday socks are argyle.

boomerang · Post by **boomerang** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 10:41 pm

OOOOhhhh a chance to have a dig at someone- sorry bloo
wow hehehe

Bloomfield, or the field of Blooms,
It sounds pretty, but in the beginning.........

Take a barren and empty wasteland that no-one particularly wants,
Some may even call it VIRGIN, ground,
Add a bit of hard work and the possibly fertile seeds of hope, desire and plain sh*t- house good luck.

With time, the VIRGIN ground begins to take form,
with copious quantities of MANURE, and FILTERED GUINNESS,
the first seeds of growth are seen..
small ...... Alas....some are SMALLER then others, or so im told,
but with a bit of help even small things rise....

into.....
The beginning of something interesting, but alas still weedy.

The years are Good to the VIRGIN ground, as the seeds of passion are spread around the field, those seeds are spread on the copious quantities of wind that seems to whistle over and around the field,

Till at last the field of blooms ...or bloomfield.... is eternal, self sufficient, still exibits the effects of bovine escriment, or as otherwise known as
bloombergers or the singular bloomberg... yet it is a joy to observe, (the flowers that is) if only from a distance.
the name is familiar to those around. they can stop to smell the roses or maybe the bull.sh...., either way we wouldnt have him any other way.

So here is to bloomfield
Long may he ride.....if the opportunity presents itself......one day

Grin

In the name of fun, and spinnin a good yarn
Happy X.Mas Bloo
Keep writing to santa.
You'll get what u want some day!!!!!
If ya good

Regards
David

susnfx · Post by **susnfx** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 11:30 pm

Mother Bloo wrote:... perhaps he would get out more and find a nice girl---wouldn't have to be a doctor, wouldn't have to be a lawyer, just someone with a little more sense than he has. Someone who could tell him that it's no way for an only child to care a fig about his mother and never visit, not even for the holidays. Or call! Like that's too much to ask for an aging, widowed mother, whose doctor has been very concerned.

Me! Me! I'm not a doctor, I'm not a lawyer! I definitely have more sense than he does. And I can harp like the dickens on someone for caring a fig about his mother. Does having the hots for him count??

Susan