20 Reasons to Groan

jsluder · Post by **jsluder** » Tue Oct 24, 2006 10:19 am

These may be old puns, but they're still bad...

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Wombat · Post by **Wombat** » Tue Oct 24, 2006 10:26 am

That's more than enough punishment for one day, slude.

Flyingcursor · Post by **Flyingcursor** » Tue Oct 24, 2006 10:44 am

Those were great.

21. There was a king who had a large throne made of gold. One night a man from a local village and his sons snuck in and stole the throne.
They decided to keep it hidden in the attic of their grass shack. Afterward the thief went to sleep and while he slept the weight of the throne caused it to crash through the ceiling and crush the man.

The moral: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stowe thrones.

jsluder · Post by **jsluder** » Tue Oct 24, 2006 10:55 am

Flyingcursor wrote:Those were great.

Ooh, you are a tweaked one.

Innocent Bystander · Post by **Innocent Bystander** » Tue Oct 24, 2006 11:18 am

Did you ever hear of Tommy Cooper, Slude?

jsluder · Post by **jsluder** » Tue Oct 24, 2006 11:28 am

Innocent Bystander wrote:Did you ever hear of Tommy Cooper, Slude?

Nope. But a quick google on his name brings up lots of bad jokes, so I'm sure I'd like him.

"I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure." -- Tommy Cooper

Innocent Bystander · Post by **Innocent Bystander** » Tue Oct 24, 2006 11:29 am

jsluder wrote:
Innocent Bystander wrote:Did you ever hear of Tommy Cooper, Slude?
Nope. But a quick google on his name brings up lots of bad jokes, so I'm sure I'd like him.

"I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure." -- Tommy Cooper

Aye, that's the one all right.

WyoBadger · Post by **WyoBadger** » Tue Oct 24, 2006 5:49 pm

Hear about the guy who bought some powdered water? Didn't know what to add...

jsluder · Post by **jsluder** » Tue Oct 24, 2006 6:00 pm

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP....

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, as the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

...and...

(hopefully you're ready for this)

... the coffin stops.

dubhlinn · Post by **dubhlinn** » Tue Oct 24, 2006 6:19 pm

Tommy Cooper Lives.

Slan,
D.

alurker · Post by **alurker** » Wed Oct 25, 2006 12:41 am

Just Like That......

alurker · Post by **alurker** » Wed Oct 25, 2006 12:42 am

Just Like That......

Coffee · Post by **Coffee** » Wed Oct 25, 2006 2:11 am

Jsluder, that would have been a lot less funny to me except for the fact that I recently came down with a cold.

jsluder · Post by **jsluder** » Wed Oct 25, 2006 7:19 am

Cofaidh wrote:Jsluder, that would have been a lot less funny to me except for the fact that I recently came down with a cold.

"Misery loves comedy." (Or something like that...)

Joseph E. Smith · Post by **Joseph E. Smith** » Wed Oct 25, 2006 7:35 am

Thanks Slude Dude, I needed the laugh... however painful it was to do so.