Medical Dictionary for the common man

[peeplj]

Artery -- The study of paintings.
Bacteria -- Back door to cafeteria.
Barium -- The next step when CPR fails.
Benign -- What you be after you be eight.
Catscan -- Walking around the neightborhood calling "Kitty! Kitty!"
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her.
Dilate -- To live long.
Embarrassed -- Wearing a hospital gown that doesn't cover your rear.
Enema -- Not a friend.
Fester -- Quicker than someone else.
Fibula -- A small lie.
Genital -- Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series -- World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail -- What you hang your coat (or hat) on.
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain -- Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff -- A Doctor's cane.
Morbid -- A higher offer.
Nitrates -- Cheaper than day rates.
Node -- I knew it.
Outpatient -- A person who has fainted.
Ovaries -- You get to try it again.
Pap Smear -- A fatherhood test.
Pelvis -- Second cousin to Elvis.
Penetrate -- When you break your pen while reading your medical bill.
Rectum -- Purt-near killed him.
Secretion -- Hiding anything.
Seizure -- Roman emperor.
Tablet -- Small table.
Terminal Illness -- Getting sick from airport food.
Tumor -- More than one.
Urine -- Opposite of you're out

--James

[Jack]

That's cute!

Did you write all of those?

The way you have your name under all of them is a bit ambiguous and I think I've seen the list somewhere else...

[peeplj]

Hi Cran!

Nope, I didn't write any of them...they are collected from various places.

I was reminded of them when I saw a list on yahoo--most of which is here in this post, plus a few extras I've picked up.

Sorry about any confusion--wasn't trying to take credit for any of these.

Just thought everybody might like a chuckle.

--James

[SteveShaw]

Humph. Thought I knew everything. But now I find out that "artery" does not mean shooting with bows and arrows.

[Cynth]

What a relief! I thought we were going to end up in medical trouble again . I like "catscan" and "embarrassed"----very apt!

[Innocent Bystander]

Nice definitions!

There used to be a "Catscan" website where people could post the images their scanners took when their cats were sitting or lying on them. The only reservation the site-owners made was no naughty bits.
One of our cats, Splodge, used to lie on the scanner when it was on a table. I used to have a wonderful image of her furry tummy and four pink paws. But that was two computers ago. The catscan website got shut down because people complained it was cruel to the cats! Ha!

[C age ing]

Humph. Thought I knew everything. But now I find out that "artery" does not mean shooting with bows and arrows.

Steve,
That's toxicology, isn't it?

[Innocent Bystander]

Prophylactics - Those things Jewish Men wear on their arms while they pray.

[gonzo914]

1. Gomers don’t die.
2. Gomers go to ground.
3. At a cardiac arrest, the first procedure is to take your own pulse.
4. The patient is the one with the disease.
5. Placement comes first.
6. There is no body cavity that cannot be reached with a #14 needle and a good strong arm.
7. Age + BUN = lasix dose.
8. They can always hurt you more.
9. The only good admission is a dead admission.
10. If you don’t take a temperature, you can’t find a fever.
11. Show me a medical student who only triples my work and i will kiss his feet.
12. If the radiology resident and the medical student both see a lesion on the chest x-ray, there can be no lesion there.
13. The delivery of good medical care is to do as much nothing as possible.

And lest there be any confusion as to the authorship of this, it's from the House of God by Samuel Shem.

(peeplj -- I think most of us knew that you put "--James" on all of your posts.)

[Wombat]

They missed out anus. As in 'we pay $2,000 dollars per anum.' The orifice you pay through when you don't pay through the nose.

[peeplj]

They missed out anus. As in 'we pay $2,000 dollars per anum.' The orifice you pay through when you don't pay through the nose.

--James