A man walks into this upscale restaurant. When he gets to the door, the Maitre d' says, "Sorry, sir, but you cannot come in here without a tie."
The man goes back to his car in search of a necktie, but the closest thing he can find is a set of booster cables. He decides to take a chance and wraps the booster cables around his neck, and once again walks into the restaurant. He approaches the Maitre d' and asks, "Will this get me a seat?"
"Yes, sir," says the Maitre d', "but if you try to start anything, you'll have to leave!"
For all you Corrs watchers. . .
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BrassBlower
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Pywacket
- Posts: 47
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- Location: Houston, Tx
Just one more.....
There was a papa mole, a mama mole, amd a baby mole living in a hole under the farmer's house. One morning the papa mole woke up, stuck his head out of the hole and said, "Hmmmm, I smell pancakes." The mama mole stuck her head out of the hole and said, "Hmmm, I smell apple pie." The baby mole tried to stick his head out of the hole, but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole sat back and said," Huummpp, all I smell is molasses!"
There was a papa mole, a mama mole, amd a baby mole living in a hole under the farmer's house. One morning the papa mole woke up, stuck his head out of the hole and said, "Hmmmm, I smell pancakes." The mama mole stuck her head out of the hole and said, "Hmmm, I smell apple pie." The baby mole tried to stick his head out of the hole, but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole sat back and said," Huummpp, all I smell is molasses!"
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JSW
- Posts: 50
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- Location: Norcross,Ga.
Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the
truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
*The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.
* The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.
* The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
* The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
*The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.
* The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.
* The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
* The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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JohnPalmer
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- Location: Elk Grove, Calif.
Jose came to the USA from another country. He wanted to see a baseball game. So Jose went to a ticket guy and asked him for a ticket to see the game. But the ticket guy said there were no tickets. So Jose put his head down and started for the door. Just then the ticket guy said that he did have one ticket left, but it was right behind the flag pole, and Jose wouldn't be able to see the game very well. Jose told the ticket guy that he would love to go, even if he had to sit behind the flag pole and couldn't see the game. So Jose went to the game. When he got back home to his country, the people asked him how he liked the game. Jose excitedly told everyone that the game was great, and that the American people were so nice. He told them that "before the game started, everyone stood up and looked at me and sang with great concern, "JOSE CAN YOU SEE?"
JP
JP
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Cees
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- Tell us something.: I became interested in the beauty and versatility of Irish whistles and music over 20 years ago when I first found the Chiff boards. Yes, I do have WHOA, and I love my whistles. :)
- Location: Salt Lake City, Utah
- Contact:
Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.
Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses?
A: Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
A: "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"
Q: What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?
A: An elephant is grey.
Q: What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colour blind)
Q: How do you get an elephant into an oak tree?
A: Have it sit on an acorn and wait.
Q: How do you get an elephant out of an oak tree?
A: Have it sit on a branch and wait.
Hope this dumb silliness cheers you up, Tyghress!
For more silly elephant jokes:
http://homepage.tinet.ie/~cronews/elep.html
A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.
Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses?
A: Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
A: "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"
Q: What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?
A: An elephant is grey.
Q: What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colour blind)
Q: How do you get an elephant into an oak tree?
A: Have it sit on an acorn and wait.
Q: How do you get an elephant out of an oak tree?
A: Have it sit on a branch and wait.
Hope this dumb silliness cheers you up, Tyghress!
For more silly elephant jokes:
http://homepage.tinet.ie/~cronews/elep.html
How many Jewish mothers does it
take to change a light bulb? None!
'It's alright...I'll just sit here
alone in the dark...'
Three men are going to the guillotine
during the Revolution, a frenchman,
an Englishman, and a clever MIT
undergraduate.
The Frenchman mounts the steps. 'Do
you have any last words?' the two
executioners ask.
'I leave my money to my wife,
and my heart to my mistress!'
'Oh, how beautiful' the excutioners
say. The executioners pull the rope but
the blade stops just above the
Frenchman's neck. 'C'est la vie'
they say, and let the Frenchman go.
Next the Brit mounts the steps.
'Monsieur, have you any last words?'
'It is a far, far better thing I do
than anything I have done before...etc.'
'How very beautiful' the executioners
say. They pull the rope but the blade
stops just above the Englishman's
head. 'C'est la vie!' the executioners
say, and let him go.
Next the clever MIT undergraduate
mounts the steps.
'Monsieur, have you any last words?'
'Yeah, there's a knot in your rope!'
take to change a light bulb? None!
'It's alright...I'll just sit here
alone in the dark...'
Three men are going to the guillotine
during the Revolution, a frenchman,
an Englishman, and a clever MIT
undergraduate.
The Frenchman mounts the steps. 'Do
you have any last words?' the two
executioners ask.
'I leave my money to my wife,
and my heart to my mistress!'
'Oh, how beautiful' the excutioners
say. The executioners pull the rope but
the blade stops just above the
Frenchman's neck. 'C'est la vie'
they say, and let the Frenchman go.
Next the Brit mounts the steps.
'Monsieur, have you any last words?'
'It is a far, far better thing I do
than anything I have done before...etc.'
'How very beautiful' the executioners
say. They pull the rope but the blade
stops just above the Englishman's
head. 'C'est la vie!' the executioners
say, and let him go.
Next the clever MIT undergraduate
mounts the steps.
'Monsieur, have you any last words?'
'Yeah, there's a knot in your rope!'
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Mastersound
- Posts: 121
- Joined: Wed Jan 30, 2002 6:00 pm
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- Location: South Australia
- Contact:
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
"No no" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No no" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." Half the women and a few of the men stood up.
"No no" he said "That wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen my cock?" All the choir boys stood up.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
"No no" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No no" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." Half the women and a few of the men stood up.
"No no" he said "That wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen my cock?" All the choir boys stood up.
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TonyHiggins
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Sunday morning session at a pub in a rural town in Ireland. A funeral procession passes in the street in front of the pub. The old piper stands, takes off his cap, and waits respectfully for the hearse to pass. Then he sits down and finishes his set. Afterwards, an old fiddler says to him, "Sure, Pat, that was a fine, respectful thing you did there for the deceased." Pat replies, "Ah, wasn't I married to her 47 years?"
http://tinwhistletunes.com/clipssnip/newspage.htm Officially, the government uses the term “flap,” describing it as “a condition, a situation or a state of being, of a group of persons, characterized by an advanced degree of confusion that has not quite reached panic proportions.”
A bartender in New York notices that every Friday evening an Irishman comes in and orders 3 Guinnesses, then drinks all 3 over the period of an hour or two. Finally he says, "You know, Paddy, they go flat when they sit that long. Better to order one at a time." The Irishman says "No, you don't understand. See, when I left Ireland to come to America, me other brother went to Australia to find work, and the other brother went to Canada. But we agreed that no matter where we were in the world, every Friday night we'd go to a pub and order three Guinnesses and drink them as if we were still together." The bartender thinks it's a great idea. Then a few months later, the Irishman comes in and only orders two Guinnesses. The bartender is surprised, but brings them, then backs off and watches as the guy drinks both, then goes home. Next week, same thing, just two beers. Finally the bartender realizes he has to say something, so the next time the Irishman comes in, he says, "Paddy, I'm sorry for your loss, my friend." The Irishman looks at him in surprise, then looks at the two beers and realizes what he means. "Oh, no, nobody died," he says. "It's just that the missus and me joined the Baptist church down the street and I had to give up drinking. But it didn't affect me brothers atall!"
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which is least known--Montaigne
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light
--Plato
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light
--Plato
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snoogie
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- Location: Roswell, GA USA
- Contact:
Why did the elephant wear red tennis shoes?
Because the blue ones were in the wash.
***
We once went on a hunting trip for Mountain Lions. Because there were so many hunters, we decided to split into two groups and make separate camps about a mile apart.
Someone has brought along a quart of whiskey (for medicinal purposes only). We split this into two parts, one for each camp.
Along about midnight, our camp ran out of whiskey so we decided to go over to the other camp for theirs. We got in the helicopter and started flying over to the other camp.
On the way, we saw a mountain lion and flew over and shot at him.
The moral of the story? The shortest distance between two pints is a strafed lion.
(A pun is the lowest form of humor)
Because the blue ones were in the wash.
***
We once went on a hunting trip for Mountain Lions. Because there were so many hunters, we decided to split into two groups and make separate camps about a mile apart.
Someone has brought along a quart of whiskey (for medicinal purposes only). We split this into two parts, one for each camp.
Along about midnight, our camp ran out of whiskey so we decided to go over to the other camp for theirs. We got in the helicopter and started flying over to the other camp.
On the way, we saw a mountain lion and flew over and shot at him.
The moral of the story? The shortest distance between two pints is a strafed lion.
(A pun is the lowest form of humor)
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JohnPalmer
- Posts: 668
- Joined: Tue Jun 26, 2001 6:00 pm
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- Location: Elk Grove, Calif.
If a pun is the lowest form of humor, then it must be the foundation--Henry Erskine
A pun is the lowest form of humor--when you don't think of it first--Oscar Levant
The pun has been said to be the lowest form of humus--earthy wit that everyone digs, and If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor, you can tell them that poetry is verse.--John Crosby and Bob Davies.
So, what happened to the boy who drank 8 Cokes? He burped 7-Up
A pun is the lowest form of humor--when you don't think of it first--Oscar Levant
The pun has been said to be the lowest form of humus--earthy wit that everyone digs, and If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor, you can tell them that poetry is verse.--John Crosby and Bob Davies.
So, what happened to the boy who drank 8 Cokes? He burped 7-Up
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chattiekathy
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- Tell us something.: Well dang, I just want to change my password. looking for that correct page! Thank you! Ohh good grief, I get it, you have to be careful who you let in because of spammers, but sigh.... I'm in a hurry, can we move this along please. :)
- Location: South Central PA
Two brooms were hanging in the closet; after a while they got to know each other so well they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom. The other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very
beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE!!" said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this!!?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt...
Really bad...
WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER."
beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE!!" said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this!!?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt...
Really bad...
WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER."
~*~Creativity is God's gift to you. What you do with it is your gift to God~*~
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BrassBlower
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- Location: Fly-Over Country
Read each question, try to guess the answer, and check the separate responses below for the answer.
1. How do you put a giraffe in the refrigerator?
2. How do you put an elephant in the refrigerator?
3. The Lion King throws a party for the other animals. All of the animals attend except one. Which one?
4. There is a river between you and your destination. This river is deep and crocodile-infested. However, you can still reach your destination safely. How?
1. How do you put a giraffe in the refrigerator?
2. How do you put an elephant in the refrigerator?
3. The Lion King throws a party for the other animals. All of the animals attend except one. Which one?
4. There is a river between you and your destination. This river is deep and crocodile-infested. However, you can still reach your destination safely. How?
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BrassBlower
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