Chuck Norris (somewhat explicit language)

Henke · Post by **Henke** » Wed Jan 11, 2006 7:00 pm

Here are some facts about Chuck Norris that you probably didn't know about. All facts come from a reliable source.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take sh*t from anybody.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the (bleep) down.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Chuck Norris and forgot to pay him back.

The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Chuck Norris punched himself in the face.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

The only thing to survive a nuclear holocaust would be Chuck Norris and cockroaches - Chuck Norris does not like cockroaches... for that reason and that reason alone Russia and the USA agreed to reduce their nuclear arsenal.

When Chuck Norris received his star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame, he made his hand prints after the cement was dry.

Uncle Sam doesn't want you anymore. He's got Chuck Norris.

Rainbows are what happens when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks Richard Simmons.

Chuck Norris once breast-fed Dolly Parton.

Chuck Norris once won the pole position for the Indy 500 running bare foot on broken glass but refused to race when he found out the other pussy ass driver really used cars.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

Chuck Norris was asked to read for the part of William Wallace in Braveheart but when it came time for Chuck to scream freedom before he died he screamed "Don't (bleep) with Chuck!" then proceeded to roundhouse kick everyone in the casting room to death except Mel Gibson.

Chuck Norris once swallowed a live grenade. When it exploded, he burped and exclaimed, "That's a spicy meatball."

One night Chuck was taking an extremely painful sh*t after eating some bad pork lo mein. The result was Jet Li.

jsluder · Post by **jsluder** » Wed Jan 11, 2006 7:44 pm

Piffle. Buck Owens could beat up Chuck Norris.

Congratulations · Post by **Congratulations** » Wed Jan 11, 2006 7:54 pm

Do you play WoW by any chance, Henke?

Henke · Post by **Henke** » Wed Jan 11, 2006 7:57 pm

jsluder wrote:Piffle. Buck Owens could beat up Chuck Norris.

Bye old man. It has been nice talking to you. When Chuck Norris finishes his meal in about ten seconds, you will recieve a roundhouse kick which will set you into orbit.

And no, I do not play WoW. But I do know what it is.

TonyHiggins · Post by **TonyHiggins** » Wed Jan 11, 2006 10:01 pm

Chuck Norris
Get free reviews, consumer data, and testimonials before you buy!

This came up in the Google ad. Chuck wouldn't like it. It's on you, Henke. Your decendents will be born bruised.
Tony

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jan 11, 2006 10:22 pm

woo woo Chuck Norris, a friend and I printed out a pic of him in a torn shirt and guns in his hot little hands and put it onhis shirt...twas iron on. Yeah, it was as sweet as you're all thinking.

Flyingcursor · Post by **Flyingcursor** » Thu Jan 12, 2006 5:54 am

Bill Braskey is waay tougher.

jbarter · Post by **jbarter** » Thu Jan 12, 2006 6:10 am

Henke wrote:Chuck Norris

Wimp.

Joseph E. Smith · Post by **Joseph E. Smith** » Thu Jan 12, 2006 7:13 am

jsluder wrote:Piffle. Buck Owens could beat up Chuck Norris.

Yeah??? Well my Granny could beat up Buck Owens... just couldn't pick like him though...

fel bautista · Post by **fel bautista** » Thu Jan 12, 2006 8:10 am

A hoot! My kids were doing this on New Year's day. It was milk through the nose time

Loren · Post by **Loren** » Thu Jan 12, 2006 8:36 am

"One night Chuck was taking an extremely painful sh*t after eating some bad pork lo mein. The result was Jet Li."

Butt of course, Chuck was born the same way - straight from Bruce Lee's ass.

Loren

Henke · Post by **Henke** » Thu Jan 12, 2006 9:27 am

On a serious note though. Chuck Norris is extremely tough, he's one of the very few Hollywood martial arts stars who has proven it. He's an incredible figher. So was probably Bruce Lee, but there's no way to be sure. There are lots of other stars claiming to be martial arts masters, but I suspect most of it is sh*t.
It's a fact that Chuck was one of the great stars of full-contact Karate (Kick Boxing) in the 70's. He's been training Judo, Taekwon-Do and Karate in Korea. He was world champion in professional Karate from the years 68-74 when he retired, undefeated. He won the triale crown in 69 with a record of won tournaments, and he became fighter of the year the same year in Black Belt magazine. He's defeated champions like Joe Lewis, Skipper Mulligan, Louie Delgado, Steve Sanders, among others in full contact fights. All that happened before he became a movie star.
I'm not a huge fan of competitions in martial arts, but I do appreciate a martial arts Hollywood star who is for real.

Chuck is one of the very few stars who is for real. There are lots of other people like him in Hollywood, but 99% of them are stunt men.

Wanderer · Post by **Wanderer** » Thu Jan 12, 2006 9:30 am

Loren wrote:"One night Chuck was taking an extremely painful sh*t after eating some bad pork lo mein. The result was Jet Li."

Butt of course, Chuck was born the same way - straight from Bruce Lee's ass.

Loren

Yeah, the difference being that Bruce had just had some undercooked chicken fried steak for dinner

The Weekenders · Post by **The Weekenders** » Thu Jan 12, 2006 10:42 am

My teenage son has been coming home with Chuck Norris gags for the last week or so...so this list seems to be the mother lode...

Loren · Post by **Loren** » Thu Jan 12, 2006 10:57 am

No offense Henke, but you still have much to learn about the history of Chuck Norris, Full Contact Karate of that Era, Bruce Lee, and the evolution of "Full Contact" as we know it today (UFC et. al). Chuck Norris was a skilled fighter, but he was merely a big fish in a small pond.

Loren

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Chuck Norris (somewhat explicit language)

Chuck Norris (somewhat explicit language)

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