How to tell if you've been abducted by aliens....
- Tyler
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How to tell if you've been abducted by aliens....
Ok...it's been ages since I've put something really campy up, so here's your laugh of the week!
HOW TO TELL IF YOU'VE BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS
By NICK JEFFREYS
Roswell, N.M.
MOST people have been abducted by aliens, say some UFO experts -- so odds are you're one of them.
"Extraterrestrials possess the ability to wipe human memory clean," said Dr. J. Albert Longneck, a UFO investigator from Houston, Texas. "You could be kidnapped once or twice a week and you wouldn't remember a thing."
But there are detectable signs that you've been taken aboard a spacecraft and examined, according to Dr. Longneck. Here is a revealing excerpt from his upcoming book Did I Forget I Was Kidnapped By Aliens?
•You're drunk a lot -- Aliens take advantage of boozers because they're used to forgetting huge blocks of time and some really embarrassing stuff, said Dr. Longneck. ETs appreciate drunks because they don't have to waste their memory- wiper ammunition, which is expensive. They pick up a lot of people stumbling out of bars.
•You are mentally ill -- No one believes a psycho when he says he was in a space ship. Extraterrestrials take advantage of that fact by lurking around insane asylums and psychiatrist offices.
•You find a lot of puncture marks in your arms and you can't remember injecting yourself -- "These are from routine alien blood tests," said the expert.
•During an X-ray, your doctor discovers you are missing an internal organ you know you were born with -- "A lot of times aliens take out spleens, a lung, a kidney, an appendix so they can examine them closely," explained Dr. Longneck. Despite their advanced intellect, sometimes they simply forget to put them back.
•You wake up and can't remember everyday things like your name, the year, your address, your spouse's name, etc. -- "The alien scientists have sliced out a vital part of your brain," said Dr. Longneck.
•You cut yourself and your blood is green -- "This is when they've accidentally sucked out too much of your blood and had to give you a blood transfusion from their own blood bank," explained the expert.
•You suddenly find yourself in a foreign country thousands of miles from where you live -- "Aliens have a very bad sense of direction and can't read maps worth a damn," said Dr. Longneck. "They'll circle around the globe a lot, then get disgusted and just give their human abductees the boot when it's dinnertime -- alien wives are not very understanding."
•You look in the mirror and see that your nose is suddenly smaller -- "Many extraterrestrials are interested in plastic surgery techniques and will try them out on their captives," said Dr. Longneck.
•You develop an irrational fear of going to the doctor when it's never bothered you before -- "Your subconscious is telling you you've been poked, prodded, injected and probed enough," said Dr. Longneck.
•You suddenly discover you are missing a limb -- "You know you started out the day with two arms and two legs, and yet, when it's time to go to bed, one is missing," said Dr. Longneck. "This is an indication they have kept one of your limbs for dissection purposes."
Published on: 11/10/2005
HOW TO TELL IF YOU'VE BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS
By NICK JEFFREYS
Roswell, N.M.
MOST people have been abducted by aliens, say some UFO experts -- so odds are you're one of them.
"Extraterrestrials possess the ability to wipe human memory clean," said Dr. J. Albert Longneck, a UFO investigator from Houston, Texas. "You could be kidnapped once or twice a week and you wouldn't remember a thing."
But there are detectable signs that you've been taken aboard a spacecraft and examined, according to Dr. Longneck. Here is a revealing excerpt from his upcoming book Did I Forget I Was Kidnapped By Aliens?
•You're drunk a lot -- Aliens take advantage of boozers because they're used to forgetting huge blocks of time and some really embarrassing stuff, said Dr. Longneck. ETs appreciate drunks because they don't have to waste their memory- wiper ammunition, which is expensive. They pick up a lot of people stumbling out of bars.
•You are mentally ill -- No one believes a psycho when he says he was in a space ship. Extraterrestrials take advantage of that fact by lurking around insane asylums and psychiatrist offices.
•You find a lot of puncture marks in your arms and you can't remember injecting yourself -- "These are from routine alien blood tests," said the expert.
•During an X-ray, your doctor discovers you are missing an internal organ you know you were born with -- "A lot of times aliens take out spleens, a lung, a kidney, an appendix so they can examine them closely," explained Dr. Longneck. Despite their advanced intellect, sometimes they simply forget to put them back.
•You wake up and can't remember everyday things like your name, the year, your address, your spouse's name, etc. -- "The alien scientists have sliced out a vital part of your brain," said Dr. Longneck.
•You cut yourself and your blood is green -- "This is when they've accidentally sucked out too much of your blood and had to give you a blood transfusion from their own blood bank," explained the expert.
•You suddenly find yourself in a foreign country thousands of miles from where you live -- "Aliens have a very bad sense of direction and can't read maps worth a damn," said Dr. Longneck. "They'll circle around the globe a lot, then get disgusted and just give their human abductees the boot when it's dinnertime -- alien wives are not very understanding."
•You look in the mirror and see that your nose is suddenly smaller -- "Many extraterrestrials are interested in plastic surgery techniques and will try them out on their captives," said Dr. Longneck.
•You develop an irrational fear of going to the doctor when it's never bothered you before -- "Your subconscious is telling you you've been poked, prodded, injected and probed enough," said Dr. Longneck.
•You suddenly discover you are missing a limb -- "You know you started out the day with two arms and two legs, and yet, when it's time to go to bed, one is missing," said Dr. Longneck. "This is an indication they have kept one of your limbs for dissection purposes."
Published on: 11/10/2005
“First lesson: money is not wealth; Second lesson: experiences are more valuable than possessions; Third lesson: by the time you arrive at your goal it’s never what you imagined it would be so learn to enjoy the process” - unknown
- gonzo914
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This brings to mind an old Kids in the Hall skit in which they are playing aliens abducting an earthling, and one of them states, "We have been coming to this planet giving rectal probes for 25 years, and the only thing we've learned is that about 10 percent of all earthlings don't mind the rectal probe."
Crazy for the blue white and red
Crazy for the blue white and red
And yellow fringe
Crazy for the blue white red and yellow
Crazy for the blue white and red
And yellow fringe
Crazy for the blue white red and yellow
- Tyler
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- Tell us something.: I've picked up the tinwhistle again after several years, and have recently purchased a Chieftain v5 from Kerry Whistles that I cannot wait to get (why can't we beam stuff yet, come on Captain Kirk, get me my Low D!)
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The one and the same!Darwin wrote:Would that be the Dr. Longneck after whom the longneck beer bottle is named?
“First lesson: money is not wealth; Second lesson: experiences are more valuable than possessions; Third lesson: by the time you arrive at your goal it’s never what you imagined it would be so learn to enjoy the process” - unknown
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Re: How to tell if you've been abducted by aliens....
Beautiful.Tyler Morris wrote:"A lot of times aliens take out spleens, a lung, a kidney, an appendix so they can examine them closely," explained Dr. Longneck. Despite their advanced intellect, sometimes they simply forget to put them back.
oh Lana Turner we love you get up
- scottielvr
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Re: How to tell if you've been abducted by aliens....
Well, how cool is that. Oh, yoo-hoo! Hey, ET plastics-dudes! A little help, here! Over here! Helllooooo!Tyler Morris wrote:HOW TO TELL IF YOU'VE BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS
....•You look in the mirror and see that your nose is suddenly smaller -- "Many extraterrestrials are interested in plastic surgery techniques and will try them out on their captives," said Dr. Longneck.
Re: How to tell if you've been abducted by aliens....
I work with a woman who has that problem. I keep telling them she's being abducted by aliens, who nightly steam-clean her brain, and everyone laughs.Tyler Morris wrote:
HOW TO TELL IF YOU'VE BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS
By NICK JEFFREYS
Roswell, N.M.
MOST people have been abducted by aliens, say some UFO experts -- so odds are you're one of them.
"Extraterrestrials possess the ability to wipe human memory clean," said Dr. J. Albert Longneck, a UFO investigator from Houston, Texas. "You could be kidnapped once or twice a week and you wouldn't remember a thing."
They think I'm kidding.
- missy
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Re: How to tell if you've been abducted by aliens....
WOOOO - aliens must REALLY like Michael Jackson!!!Tyler Morris wrote:O
•You look in the mirror and see that your nose is suddenly smaller -- "Many extraterrestrials are interested in plastic surgery techniques and will try them out on their captives," said Dr. Longneck.
I've always heard that if you drive by streetlights and they turn off - it means you've been abducted by aliens. Happens to me all the time!
Re: How to tell if you've been abducted by aliens....
Wow, that took a decidedly Douglas Adams turn all of a sudden!Tyler Morris wrote:•You suddenly find yourself in a foreign country thousands of miles from where you live -- "Aliens have a very bad sense of direction and can't read maps worth a damn," said Dr. Longneck. "They'll circle around the globe a lot, then get disgusted and just give their human abductees the boot when it's dinnertime -- alien wives are not very understanding."
- IDAwHOa
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Re: How to tell if you've been abducted by aliens....
But Honey, I don't even REMEMBER ordering a FULL SET of Copeland sterling silver whistles. Musta been the aliens!!!!Tyler Morris wrote:"Extraterrestrials possess the ability to wipe human memory clean," said Dr. J. Albert Longneck
Steven - IDAwHOa - Wood Rocks
"If you keep asking questions.... You keep getting answers." - Miss Frizzle - The Magic School Bus
"If you keep asking questions.... You keep getting answers." - Miss Frizzle - The Magic School Bus