A Little Texas Humor

Walden · Post by **Walden** » Sat Oct 01, 2005 12:58 am

Wanderer wrote:You know what keeps Texas from falling into sea?

Oklahoma sucks.

Be careful. Remember what happened when Texas tried to suck money out of Oklahoma. This is a true story of a border skirmish involving one of our most colorful former governors, Alfalfa Bill. Texas was attempting to charge a toll on a bridge across the Red River that Oklahoma had built. Alfalfa Bill "called out the National Guard against Texas in the 'Toll Bridge War,' July, 1931, to reopen an Oklahoma-constructed free bridge across the Red River which had been closed by the Texas governor." (Quote taken from http://title3.sde.state.ok.us/history_a ... people.htm)

chas · Post by **chas** » Sat Oct 01, 2005 7:20 am

Darwin wrote:
jsluder wrote:"A Little Texas Humor"? Is that an admission that there's actually something in Texas that isn't big?
Our egos are tiny, too.

A Texan is on a business trip to San Francisco. All week, he's been telling the others at the meeting about how this is bigger in Texas and that's bigger in Texas. The last night, they go out to dinner and have a few drinks. One of the SF contingent says, "I'll show you something bit that you don't have in Texas," and he takes the guy to the Golden Gate Bridge. They walk out on it, and they both have to relieve themselves of a couple of the beers they'd consumed. While they're peeing, the SF guy figures he'd hint at something else that isn't smaller outside of Texas. He says, "Boy this water is cold." The Texan replies without skipping a beat, "Yeah, deep, too."

Will O'B · Post by **Will O'B** » Sat Oct 01, 2005 9:52 am

Walden wrote:This is a true story of a border skirmish involving one of our most colorful former governors, Alfalfa Bill.

Shucks. Why can't we ever have a governor named "Alfalfa Bill?" Heck, I'd settle for even a mayor with that name. I think it would make local politics so much more interesting.

Will O'Ban

jsluder · Post by **jsluder** » Sat Oct 01, 2005 10:19 am

chas wrote:
Darwin wrote:
jsluder wrote:"A Little Texas Humor"? Is that an admission that there's actually something in Texas that isn't big?
Our egos are tiny, too.
A Texan is on a business trip to San Francisco. All week, he's been telling the others at the meeting about how this is bigger in Texas and that's bigger in Texas. The last night, they go out to dinner and have a few drinks. One of the SF contingent says, "I'll show you something bit that you don't have in Texas," and he takes the guy to the Golden Gate Bridge. They walk out on it, and they both have to relieve themselves of a couple of the beers they'd consumed. While they're peeing, the SF guy figures he'd hint at something else that isn't smaller outside of Texas. He says, "Boy this water is cold." The Texan replies without skipping a beat, "Yeah, deep, too."

I think I've posted this on the Chiffboard before, but it's appropriate for this thread...

Folks in Alaska have gotten so tired of hearing how "everything is bigger in Texas" that they've decided to split Alaska in half and make Texas the third largest state.

Darwin · Post by **Darwin** » Sat Oct 01, 2005 11:50 am

Oklahoma Quarter
WASHINGTON, DC — Hang on to any of the new State of Oklahoma quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.

The U. S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Oklahoma quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. “We are recalling all the new Oklahoma quarters that were recently issued,” Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, tollbooths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices.

The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U. S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide. “The problem lies in the unique design of the Oklahoma quarter, which was created by both an OU graduate and an OSU graduate, Shackleford said. “Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices.

Darwin · Post by **Darwin** » Sat Oct 01, 2005 11:51 am

Wanderer wrote:You know what keeps Texas from falling into sea?

Oklahoma sucks.

And, you can get a T-shirt to help spread the word:

Will O'B · Post by **Will O'B** » Sat Oct 01, 2005 12:29 pm

Darwin wrote:Oklahoma Quarter
WASHINGTON, DC — Hang on to any of the new State of Oklahoma quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.

...............................

Ok. I fell for it -- till the last paragraph. I was dialing the phone to tell my son (who collects all of the state quarters) to start watching for Oklahoma. Yet, something in the back of my mind kept wondering why the mint would have made the "Oklahoma" quarter any different than the others.

Just sign me,

Gullible

PS: If they are "worth much more than 25 cents," wouldn't that be three dimes and a nickel that were taped together? Just curious.

Caj · Post by **Caj** » Sat Oct 01, 2005 1:53 pm

A Texan, a Californian, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals while exploring the jungle.

They are told by the cannibal chief, "We are going to kill you, eat you, make your bones into weapons, and use your skin to line our canoes."

The Californian asks, "duuuude. Is there any, like, appeals process here?"

The chief says, "yes. If you can defeat our greatest warrior in hand-hand combat, we will release you. You may use any weapon you like."

The Texan is ecstatic. "Any weapon I want?" he says, cocking his shotgun, "why shore I'll fight your greatest warrior!"

Now, the tribe's greatest warrior was five-foot-forty, and probably bulletproof as well. Not that it mattered: when he and the Texan squared off to fight, he lopped that Texan's head off with his 10-foot spear before he could even aim.

"Whoa," said the Californian. "See, that's why I'm for gun control." He decided to fight the great warrior too, but instead requested a machete. And when the order came to fight, the Californian just ran like a bunny out into the jungle, slashing a path for himself in the undergrowth.

But, the warrior was swifter and cannier, and in very little time he returned with the Californian's head.

Now only the New Yorker was left.

"Can I use this?" he said to the chief, brandishing a fork from his backpack.

The entire tribe was astounded. A fork? Either this guy was very crazy or very, very deadly. "Of course you may use that ... thing" said the chief.

The New Yorker and the great warrior faced each other, and the chief gave the order to fight. Suddenly the New Yorker began stabbing himself all over with his fork, shouting,

"so much for your freakin' canoe, huh??"

Caj

djm · Post by **djm** » Sat Oct 01, 2005 2:45 pm

Caj wins!

djm

Lambchop · Post by **Lambchop** » Sat Oct 01, 2005 4:12 pm

ROTFLPMP!

Good one, Caj!

Walden · Post by **Walden** » Sat Oct 01, 2005 11:40 pm

Will O'B wrote:
Darwin wrote:Oklahoma Quarter
WASHINGTON, DC — Hang on to any of the new State of Oklahoma quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.

...............................

Ok. I fell for it -- till the last paragraph. I was dialing the phone to tell my son (who collects all of the state quarters) to start watching for Oklahoma. Yet, something in the back of my mind kept wondering why the mint would have made the "Oklahoma" quarter any different than the others.

Just sign me,

Gullible

PS: If they are "worth much more than 25 cents," wouldn't that be three dimes and a nickel that were taped together? Just curious.

Don't you remember when this was posted before? It had its own thread (there aren't that many jokes at Texans' disposal... so they reuse them). Oklahoma was one of the last few states to join the Union and isn't due to have a state quarter for quite some time, yet.

Darwin · Post by **Darwin** » Sat Oct 01, 2005 11:57 pm

Walden wrote:Oklahoma was one of the last few states to join the Union and isn't due to have a state quarter for quite some time, yet.

Yep, we kept 'em out as long as we could...

BrassBlower · Post by **BrassBlower** » Sun Oct 02, 2005 8:58 pm

I have a co-worker who graduated from Texas A&M about five years ago, and bought one of those new houses over on the east side of Oklahoma 112 between Pocola and Arkoma.

Well, a couple of years ago, the surveyors came and found out his house was actually a few feet over the line in Arkansas. He told me, "Thank goodness! I didn't know how many more of those bad Oklahoma storms I could take!"

Will O'B · Post by **Will O'B** » Mon Oct 03, 2005 11:08 am

Walden wrote:Don't you remember when this was posted before? It had its own thread (there aren't that many jokes at Texans' disposal... so they reuse them). Oklahoma was one of the last few states to join the Union and isn't due to have a state quarter for quite some time, yet.

Sorry, I must have missed it. It is a good joke, regardless of who the punchline is directed towards. But, hey, I have no trouble with Oklahoma or folks who come from there. I figure a state that gave us Will Rogers must have some pretty good qualities.

Although, I have to take issue with those who think that Dennis Weaver belongs to Oklahoma. He may have attended school there, but he was born and grew up in Joplin, Missouri. Missourians are very protective of their own.

I know that OK came into the union in the 20th century. I just don't know what state quarters they are issuing right now. Guess I should ask my son about that.

Will O'Ban

Darwin · Post by **Darwin** » Mon Oct 03, 2005 9:09 pm

I was on the phone the other day to a friend from Oklahoma who was actually in Oklahoma at the time, and he told me a very funny joke

about AstroTurf, but it would be traitorous of me to repeat it where Walden could get a-hold of it (assuming he doesn't already know it).