Will's will

[Will O'B]

I can only joke around for so long -- it's time once again to face up to reality. This is a serious topic to me. I am posting it here because there are a lot of level-headed folks on this forum, and perhaps you can help me out. Even if you don't especially like me and have made some mental vow to not respond to my posts, if you have any good suggestions, I would still appreciate your input.

In my will I have reqested that I be cremated and that my ashes be scattered from above over the green pastures at the foot of the Galtee Mountains, in Whitechurch parish outside of Cahir, County Tipperary, Ireland. This is the area that my family left in 1847 for America. It is beautiful and when I visited it for the first time last year, I truly felt like I had returned home. It was a very peaceful feeling. A truly beautiful and picturesque spot. It would be nice to see it once again, but such is life.

The preceeding is not my problem. My problem is: how do I know that my wishes will be complied with in the manner that I specified? I know that the Administrator of the will is required to do everything in their power to honor those wishes, but the Administrator just told me recently that going to Ireland might be out of the question. And if she did go that she would scatter them around the countryside of Whitechurch, and that I should stop complaining about it being done from a low flying airplane or chopper. (My reason for wanting it done this way is so that the ashes are scattered all over where the winds take them and not where some person decides to put them.) This is a person who, though I love her dearly, "knows what's best for everyone."

My wife alternates between crying when I bring this up and taking the hard line of "Anyone can say they did what you want, but no one will really know, and what's the difference anyway, as long as you're scattered around Whitechurch?" My son, who is 12, has taken a stoical attitude toward this whole new reality thing that Dad's going through, looks like he wants to cry, won't really look at me anymore and answers all questions about how he's handling the Dad being sick thing with a big, "WHATEVER."

Both my wife and son have a phobia about flying in small aircraft. So they are both out of the picture here, also. I guess I could hire someone to do it, but like my wife said -- who will know if it's really done the way I wanted?

This is something that I really don't need in my life right now. But here it is. *Damn* Any ideas? Anyone??? Please don't be shy.

Will O

PS: Sorry if this is hard to understand.

[s1m0n]

Will, this must be a difficult thing to try and organise.

However, what we discovered when my mother died is that many jurisdictions have laws about how or where ashes can be scattered, because they constitute human remains.

These laws are widely flouted and probably not enforced except in nuisance situations, but if you are going to issue instructions to your executor, you should do the research and ensure that you're not asking someone to commit a crime for your sake.

You could probably find out by contacting an undertaker or crematorium in Ireland and asking them.

We ended up breaking the law and incidentally disregarding her instructions--she'd dutifully said that we should follow the law and scatter her ashes in a designated scatttering garden, but the place meant nothing to us, so instead we scattered her ashes in the arboretum attached to a botanical garden where we used to walk the dogs. When my father died a couple of years later, we took his ashes to the same place.

My father, sister and I had driven round to a toll-less back parking lot under the escarpment and then hiked in along one of the trails until we got to a spot where the birdsong suddenly got a lot longer. It wasn't the place we'd tbeen thinking of, but my dad said "Here" and my sister and I agreed. When we'd finished and were walking back to the car, my dad started to say, "you two can come and scatter me here when.." but the words caught in his throat. We knew what he meant, anyway.

[Will O'B]

Will, this must be a difficult thing to try and organise.

It is. Only I always thought that it was the Administrator's job to try and organize everything. Or what's the purpose of having a will and an administrator? It's damn hard enough to die without having to take care of all of this stuff myself. I feel like I'm hallucinating.

Local ordinances are something I hadn't considered. It seems I've encountered another sticky wicket.

I can't help but notice that there have been 50 hits on this thread with only 1 response. I seem to have been pushed down the page by Bush the terrorist, mixing laxatives and sleeping pills together, and a sick bird -- among other things. Not that this thread is any more worthwhile, but surely someone must have some ideas to help me out. Please. If this sounds like self pity, then, it probably is. If nothing else, then check in and slap me around for awhile. For my own good. I need something to pull me out of this. Help.

Will O

PS: Thanks, Simon. I really do appreciate your response and interest. This ranting isn't directed at you. Or anyone else here for that matter. It's more toward this helpless feeling. This deadline.

[Jack]

I can't help but notice that there have been 50 hits on this thread with only 1 response.

I've clicked on it a few times, Will.

But the thing is, I doubt anything I have to say will really help in so serious a matter.

A couple years ago I had panic disorder (still do, technically) and I sincerely thought I was dying from AIDS, and I read up a lot on death and how to prepare for death and there were 2 or 3 books which had REALLY great ideas about leaving memories. I began to do the things it said, then I found out I wasn't dying.

Some of the things they recommended, such as organizing photo albums and writing notes for the pictures that mean a lot, and making video taped "birthday presents" for young children to open each year after you're dead--those things really struck me. I can't remember the titles though.

I am going to the library tomorrow after noon, and I will find the titles and give them to you.

May I ask what you're dying from, if it's not too personal?

And I assume you have adequate emotional and spiritual counseling?

*hugs*

[Nanohedron]

Sorry, Will. To my best knowledge s1m0n pretty much covered things. The first thing I thought of was the issue of knowing local ordinances and the likelihood of flouting them successfully if necessary; as to resting easy that your wishes will be carried out without fail is something I have no way of assuring. I am too used to coming from "Plan B". Come to think of it, I think I'm on Plan H right now. But enough of that. Do you have anyone close to you that you can trust to carry out your wishes? One possibility is that your wishes could be carried out at a later date if an immediate resolution seems unlikely.

[scottielvr]

Will, I've sent you a PM.

best, scottie

[BillChin]

There is a lot going on here. In my opinion, you are being a bit selfish at the moment. The last wishes outlined are a big imposition on the survivors, both in terms of time and expense. At this point, you are among the living and they don't want to acknowledge that you might die.

I do see your side, after all you are the one that is sick. I don't see any pat answer, if there is no one in the area that would be more than a hired hand. I see no reasonable way to guarantee what you seek. Given that, I would seek a reasonable solution with a reasonable chance of success or some kind of compromise, then move on to more loving and productive thoughts.

Arguing over arrangements is not how anyone would voluntarily choose to spend their last days/months/years. The less you mention it to your wife and son the better. You have expressed your desires to them. Best to find others to help if they are unable/unwilling to do so and just tell them that it is taken care of and include instructions and contact information in written form.

[Cynth]

Will, a lot of people might not be answering because they don't know what to suggest. This is a difficult problem.

I'm assuming the Administrator is not having difficulty with your plan for financial reasons. I don't want to know what her difficulty is, but do YOU know why she is having a problem with the plan? Has she given clear reasons? If not, getting to those reasons might help.

You aren't going to know for sure that things were done the way you wanted---do you think you might get to a point where you could accept that? I don't think your request is unreasonable at all, but I hate to see you agonizing and being upset. I do think there is a very good chance that there are some people you could trust to do what you want. But all you can do is make your wishes clear. That is the best you can do.

My idea isn't very good, but could you contact a lawyer in that part of Ireland and talk to him first, about the law, and then about what he or she would recommend? Another possibility is that perhaps there would be a clergyman in the area who would be sympathetic with your wishes. I wonder if there is some sort of organization having to do with making final plans and how to make them that could help. I'll see if I can find something like that. It might have some advice on how to hire someone trustworthy (I know that is not your first choice---but if you could hire a very good someone?) to carry out your wishes.

Will, I am going to say something about the airplane. I understand your wish and I hope it happens. But you know, if your ashes are sprinkled in a place a person chooses, the wind, the rain, animals, plants, everything is still going to carry your ashes all over. They will become part of the everyday process of nature no matter how they are distributed. This is not intended as disrespect toward your plan. It is just a thought.

Well, okay, my response is probably why I shouldn't have answered as it does not seem helpful and perhaps even non-supportive, which certainly is not my intention. You can slap me around for awhile if you want. Ow, hey someone, make him stop that. Ow! Hey! Okay, enough already! Geez.

[jsluder]

Will, I suspect people are having a hard time trying to decide what to say. I know I am. I have no personal experience in this matter on which to draw to offer you any advice. Do you have any acquaintances in Ireland who might be willing to help? Perhaps the administrator wouldn't have to make the trip herself. Sorry I can't offer anything helpful.

John

[peeplj]

My heart goes out to you, and to your family. You have my greatest respect.

I do not pretend to know how to advise you. Fact is, I have felt very guilty--when I posted the Fishes' Heaven poem in the other thread, I did not know yet what that thread would turn out to be about. I hope you know that I posted it with a sense of lightly mischievous fun, and not as an attempt to insult or offend anyone.

One of the hardest things for a family is when they know death is coming. It goes against all human instincts to try to accept death, but death is the natural end of life and it will one day find us every one.

You have a right to have your last wishes honored. I just hope that you and your family can make your peace with the decisions that are made, and get past them, because I think there are much more important things left to say and do.

Again, you have my greatest respect, and my best wishes.

--James Peeples

[Bloomfield]

I suggest finding a sweet spot and scattering the ashes by hand.

I've thought about the following a bit today and you can take it or leave it: It's more important now to trust those around you than to have your ashes scattered properly. Trust them now while you still can and don't judge them on how likely they'll be to perform your last wishes. My tendency would be to extract as few promises as possible from those you'll leave behind. I would rather remain as a light, fond memory in the minds of those who knew me, than as a burden and a strain, the weight of death-bed promises on their conscience.

I would take this approach, I think: What ceremony or ritual or process occurs after I die is not for my benefit (I won't need or appreciate any such thing at that point), but for the benefit of those I leave behind. If I made provisions for my remains and conduct after my death I would try to limit the burdens and increase the memory-making. It would be comforting thought to consider the chance than my death would cause estranged cousins to reunite, divorcees to speak again for the first time in years, or youngsters to stand up straight and not wipe their noses with their sleeves.

[emmline]

I'm with Bloo on this one. Your people know what you care about, and what you'd want.

[Jack]

I'm with Bloo on this one. Your people know what you care about, and what you'd want.

Well, you might know Will's people. I don't. With that said, I can speak from experience that my people wouldn't know what I cared about or what I wanted. I'm sure a lot of people's "people" do know, but it's really not always the case.

[aderyn_du]

Will, I have no words of advice on this, but my thoughts and best wishes are with you during this difficult time.

All the best,
Ad

[chattiekathy]

Will,

Check your PM's