Lord, I need a good laugh

[chattiekathy]

More for you Will.

Some of the artists from the 60's are re-releasing their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us...good news, for those feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes...
Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker"
The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"
The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"
Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"
Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts"
Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"
Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"
Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
ABBA - "Denture Queen"
Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver"
Roberta Flack - "The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face"
Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"
Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash

Cheers,
Kathy

[chattiekathy]

Marriage Seminar

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

[chattiekathy]

I knew there was a reason I saved all these old emails.

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"
4. I don't do drugs anymore. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and sh!thead's.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

[chattiekathy]

Being a PA dairy farmer, I thought this one was really funny.

Ole and Sven are neighbors in Minnesota. Ole is in need of a new milk cow. He hears about a nice one for sale over the border in Wisconsin. He drives over to Wisconsin, looks at the cow, and reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat, and pulls, the cow farts. Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, and reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out, however, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow anyway and takes it home. He calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Come here and look at dis new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vhat happens." Sven reaches under and pulls; the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought this cow in Wisconsin, ja?" Ole is very surprised and says, "Ja, dats right, how did you know?" Sven says, "My wife is from Wisconsin."

[chattiekathy]

Had to post one more, I'm gonna be at work tomorrow and won't be able to post. Sorry for leaving in the >'s Too late and got to get to bed.

Groan with the wind...........

>
> Two peanuts walk into a bar.
> One was a salted.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> A jumper cable walks into a bar.
> The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> A sandwich walks into a bar.
> The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says
> "A beer please, and one for the road."
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
> The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> Two cannibals are eating a clown.
> One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
> "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
> "Is it common?"
> "It's not unusual."
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
> Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
> "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
> "It's true, no bull!"
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Two hydrogen atoms meet.
> One says "I've lost my electron."
> The other says "Are you sure?"
> The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Answer-phone message:
> "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog's cross-eyed,
> Is there anything you can do for him?"
> "Well" says the vet "let's have a look at him."
> So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, checks his teeth, etc.
> Finally he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
> "What? Just because he's cross-eyed???"
> "No, because he's really, really heavy."
> -----------------------------------------------------
> Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese.
> And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them.
> It's either my mum, or my dad......or maybe my older brother Colin.
> Or my younger brother Ho-Chi-Choi.
> But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
> -----------------------------------------------------
> I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him fifty bucks that he
> couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
> He said "No, the steaks are too high."
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
> He was pulled in by a strong currant.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
> in the craft, it sank.
> This proves once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat
> it too.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Two fish are in a tank.
> One says to the other "I'll man the cannon, you drive."
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> What do you call a fish with no eye?
> A fsh.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
> The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

Cheers,
Kathy

[Will O'B]

More for you Will.

Some of the artists from the 60's are re-releasing their hits with new
lyrics to accommodate us...good news, for those feeling a little older and
missing those great old tunes...
____________________
Cheers,
Kathy

Thanks, Kathy. I thought I might take a crack at a few of those hits
myself:

The Village People - "A.A.R.P."
The Archies - "Insulin, Insulin"
Three Dog Night - "Hard To Be Hard"
Beach Boys - "Help Me, Rhonda - I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up."
Neil Diamond - "I Was I Said"
Gary Puckett - "That Girl Is An Old Woman Now"
Paul Anka - "You're Having My WHAT?"
Bee Gees - "I Can't See Nobody Cause I've Got Those Cataract Blues"
Dr. Hook - "The Cover Of The Geriatrics Quarterly"
Chicago - "Does Anybody Know What Day It Is"
James Brown - "I Feel Tired"
Neil Young - "Young Man Take A Look At My Life"
The Beatles - "When I Was 64"

And some don't need to change at all:

Rare Earth - "Born To Wander"
Chicago - "Feeling Stronger Every Day" (Geritol Theme Song)

Hey, that was a gas! Anyone else have any?

Will O'Ban

[chattiekathy]

Wow Will! You did great! I didn't come up with any on my own, someone sent me the ones that posted.

Here's another funny story:

A little boy wanted $100, badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing
happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA,
they decided to send it to The President. The President was so impressed,
touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy
a $5.00 bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of
money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat
down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said:

Dear Lord,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for
some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those
jerks deducted $95.

Cheers,
Kathy

[Will O'B]

[TomB]

I've posted this before, but I love it, so-


A cowboy walks into a saloon, walks up to the bar and orders a whisky. He looks around and realizes he’s the only one there other than the bartender, so he says to the bartender. “Where is everybody?” Bartender says “there all down at the hanging.” “Hanging?” says the cowboy, “who are they hanging?” “Brown Paper Pete” says the bartender. Cowboy says to the bartender, “Brown Paper Pete? That’s sort of an odd name, how did he get it?” “Well” replies the bartender, “he always wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt, a brown paper vest, brown paper pants and brown paper chaps.” Cowboy chuckles a bit and says “darn if that don’t sound like the oddest thing. What are they hanging him for?” Bartender looks at the cowboy and says “Rustlin.”

[Will O'B]

Following is a tale that I heard, which you may enjoy:

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

From,

Will O'Ban

[Will O'B]

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel
across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and
one of them says, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman
says, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to
temptation as well."

Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen
says, "What a terrible pity . . . one of the girls must be dying."

Will O'Ban

[djm]

Bartender looks at the cowboy and says “Rustlin.”

This reminds me of all those dumb no-arms-no-legs jokes:

What do you call no-arms-no-legs on the floor? - Matt
What do you call no-arms-no-legs in the pool? - Bob
What do you call no-arms-no-legs under a pile of leaves? - Russell

etc. :roll:

djm

[jsluder]

Bartender looks at the cowboy and says “Rustlin.”

This reminds me of all those dumb no-arms-no-legs jokes:

What do you call no-arms-no-legs on the floor? - Matt
What do you call no-arms-no-legs in the pool? - Bob
What do you call no-arms-no-legs under a pile of leaves? - Russell

etc. :roll:

djm

Almost as tasteless as the "Mommy, mommy!" jokes...

Mommy, mommy! I keep running in circles!
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.

[Will O'B]

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to Dublin, I came upon a gang of ruffians who were threatening a young woman in an isolated back alley. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. I approached the largest of them, slapped him soundly across the face, and told him, "Leave her alone now or I swear you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed. " When did this happen?"

"About 2 minutes ago."

Will O'Ban