Lord, I need a good laugh

[Will O'B]

LADY IN THE PSYCHIATRIST'S WAITING ROOM: She
breathed in my ear, placed her fingers over my nostrils and played my fat
empty head like an ocarina... toot-toot-toot!

Perhaps it's because of my fat empty head, but I have to
admit that this one baffles me.

Will O'Ban

[Will O'B]

Not so famous last words:

"It's dark in here. Someone give me a match so I can see where the gas
is coming from."

"You look a lot like the guy that the 6 o'clock news said was "armed and
dangerous"."

"Don't worry. It's not loaded."

"This national park is great. Take my picture while I stand next to that
bear."

"Look out for what?"

"Relax. I can stop on a dime."

"Let's stand under this big tree until the thunderstorm passes."

"I'm gonna' try it. That which doesn't kill me will only make me stronger."

"Excuse me, but your backpack is ticking."

Will O

PS: Yeah. I know. They're pretty lame. :roll:

[chattiekathy]

More funny stuff:

Marriage Advise From Children

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the
chips and dip coming.
* Alan, 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with.
* Kirsten, 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person forever by then.
* Camille, 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
* Freddie, 6


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids.
* Derrick, 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
They both don't want any more kids.
* Lori, 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
* Lynnette, 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date.
* Martin, 10


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
* Craig, 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
* Pam, 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that.
* Curt, 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them
and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
* Howard, 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going
to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
* Theodore, 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to
clean up after them.
* Anita, 9


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
* Kelvin, 8


HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
* Ricky, 10

Cheers,
Kathy

[Random notes]

Not so famous last words:

You forgot:

Here, hold my beer. Watch this...


Roger

[s1m0n]

"Let's stand under this big tree until the thunderstorm passes."

The story goes that Jonathan Swift--a priest as well as being a great friend of Turlough O'Carolan*--once waited out a thunderstorm under an oak tree beside the road.

A couple was trapped with him and a short conversation revealed that they were in the process of running away to be married. When they discovered that Swift was a priest, they asked if he could marry them on the spot and save them a journay. Swift agreed. After the marriage, the illiterate couple asked swift to pen a few lines that would prove they'd been legally married.

Swift wrote:

Beneath this oak, in stormy weather,
I joined this rogue and whore together.
And only he who rules the thunder.
Can put what I have joined asunder.

It's stuck in my head for years since I first read the story. I found it in a travel book, and I don't know if it's true--the verse wasn't in Swift's collected poems.

* When Swift scolded Carolan for his drinking, he is reported to have remarked (acidly) that Swift himself was not noted for forgoing his whiskey.

[Will O'B]

More funny stuff:

Marriage Advise From Children

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
* Pam, 7

Cheers,
Kathy

A quote right out of the Anna Nicole Smith Big Book On Dating.

I liked all of them, Kathy.

Will O'Ban

[Tyler]

Beneath this oak, in stormy weather,
I joined this rogue and whore together.
And only he who rules the thunder.
Can put what I have joined asunder.

I haven't read that since I was in school, I forgot how much I enjoyed Swift.

[dubhlinn]

Good one Simon

I believe the short verse to be a parody of a wedding blessing attributed to Swift

"Beneath this window,in stormy weather,
I join this man and woman together......"

On a similar note, many years ago I met a travelling man from Scotland who would entertain the company for hours on end with a series of Robbie Burns jokes which all had the same format. A simple tale ending in a very rude verse which parodied the Burns style.
This man knew hundreds of these jokes and I am hoping that one of our Scottish brethern may be able to chip in with a few. It was so long ago that I was drinking with the traveller that I cannot remember any of them,though I do remember the laughter

Slan,
D.

[flanum]

Not so famous last words:

You forgot:

Here, hold my beer. Watch this...

and "is that a real gun?"
... "They dont bite at this time of year"

[jsluder]

On a similar note, many years ago I met a travelling man from Scotland who would entertain the company for hours on end with a series of Robbie Burns jokes which all had the same format. A simple tale ending in a very rude verse which parodied the Burns style.
This man knew hundreds of these jokes and I am hoping that one of our Scottish brethern may be able to chip in with a few. It was so long ago that I was drinking with the traveller that I cannot remember any of them,though I do remember the laughter

William Shakespeare dies and goes to heaven. There he meets St. Peter, who asks him "what is your name and what were you in the past life?" Shakespeare says, "I'm William Shakespeare and I was a poet."

At the same time, a scottish poet, Robbie Burns dies, and he goes to heaven. St. Peter asks him, "what is your name and what were you in your past life?" Burns says, "I'm Robbie Burns and I was a poet."

St. Peter then says "well, we only have room for one poet in heaven, so we will have a contest! Whoever can write a better poem, gets in! The topic will be Timbuktu, and you will both have one hour to complete the poems." So after one hour, they come back, and Shakespeare goes first,

"As I walk across the golden sands,
As I walk across the golden land,
A great big ship comes in to view,
It's destination Timbuktu."

St. Peter says, "Okay, now we will hear Burns' poem"

Burns says,

"As Tim and I a walking went,
We saw three damsels by a tent,
As they were three and we were two,
I bucked one and Tim bucked two!"

[jsluder]

Prime Minister Tony Blair is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury.

He goes to greet the first and the chap replies:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin'.race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
As lang 's my arm."

Tony, being somewhat confused (easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him.

He replies:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit."

The third starts rattling off as follows:

"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, Wi murdering pattle!"

Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward this is? A mental ward?

"No," replies the doctor. "It's the Burns unit."

[dubhlinn]

You've been Googling "Robbie Burns jokes" have ye not?

I could not find anything on Google but I will have another look later. There must be some examples out there somewhere.

Slan,
D.

[jsluder]

You've been Googling "Robbie Burns jokes" have ye not?

Of course. I don't actually know anything, myself. I get all my posts from Google. Much less effort than thinking.

[jsluder]

Tyler will enjoy this one:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping, and pitch their tent under the stars.

During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson says: "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent ..."

[Cynth]

I saw one of the great bluegrass bands this weekend, Doyle Lawson and Quicksilver. Mr. Lawson is an old-timer and he has several youngsters in the group and they all josh around alot. One, Jamie (I think), told this "story" about Mr. Lawson:

He and Mr. Lawson were in New York City and were tired from walking around seeing the sights so Jamie suggested they go to a movie where they could rest a couple hours in comfort. Mr. Lawson said okay so they went in, got their popcorn and stuff and sat down in nice soft chairs in the air conditioning.
Pretty soon Jamie noticed Mr. Lawson crawling around on the floor.
Jamie: Get up, Doyle! Yer embarrassin' me! What the heck are ya doin' down there anyway?
Mr Lawson: I'm lookin' fer some caramel candy.
Jamie: What on earth is wrong with you anyway? Why would you be looking for caramel candy on that filthy floor? That is just plain disgustin'.
Mr. Lawson: Well,............ my teeth are stuck to it.