May Wright, 1936-2005

[BillChin]

...

We're having her body cremated and will keep the urn at home for the time being. There being only a few family members who know her here, we will not be having any kind of ceremony.
...

My thoughts are with you. I am a big believer in the power of ritual. I respect you and your family's choice not to have any kind of formal ceremony. However, an informal ceremony with even a few people can be a powerful way to process the torrent of emotions.

[mvhplank]

My thoughts are with you. I am a big believer in the power of ritual. I respect you and your family's choice not to have any kind of formal ceremony. However, an informal ceremony with even a few people can be a powerful way to process the torrent of emotions.

I agree. We recently held an informal memorial for one of the senior belts in our tae kwon do association. He had passed after a long struggle with cancer. We took turns sharing stories and lifting glasses in his memory. There were tears and laughter--it was much more satisfying that some services I've attended, often led by a pastor who didn't know the family and was just hired for the occasion.

Peace be with you and your family!

M

[Tommy]

My sincere condolences.

[The Weekenders]

Peace and condolences to you, Mike.

[DCrom]

Thinking of you, Mike. Please take care of yourself. My condolences to you and your family.

Dana C.

[Bloomfield]

Best wishes to you, Mike.

What you wrote about the adjustment you face is very touching. Good luck with it.

[peteinmn]

Mike,

My deepest condolences for your loss. Take care of yourself.

Peter

[AngeloMeola]

Check if there is a hospice near you. My wife died in April and it has been a big help to go to a support group and talk to others who have lost a spouse. There is one story that keeps coming up. Friends mean well but want you to get over it. They don't like to face their own mortality so they want you to stop talking about your wife so they don't have to think about it. You need to process your grief in your own way and in your own time. Don't let anyone tell you what you should do. They won't be right.

I contacted the hospice about a week before my wife died. With their help she was able to live her last days at home. All her grown kids were able to fly in. I put a recliner in the dining room and she could hold court from there. Family was everything to her and this kept her involved with everyone instead of being isolated.

She was surrounded by laughter and tears. We included her in the conversations even when she could no longer respond. She died about 10 pm on a Saturday and I still think she decided that it was the right time so the kids wouldn't have to rush to get back to their jobs. It was like she had to check that the family would be alright and once everyone had gathered, her job was done.

Angelo

[anniemcu]

Check if there is a hospice near you. My wife died in April and it has been a big help to go to a support group and talk to others who have lost a spouse. There is one story that keeps coming up. Friends mean well but want you to get over it. They don't like to face their own mortality so they want you to stop talking about your wife so they don't have to think about it. You need to process your grief in your own way and in your own time. Don't let anyone tell you what you should do. They won't be right.

I contacted the hospice about a week before my wife died. With their help she was able to live her last days at home. All her grown kids were able to fly in. I put a recliner in the dining room and she could hold court from there. Family was everything to her and this kept her involved with everyone instead of being isolated.

She was surrounded by laughter and tears. We included her in the conversations even when she could no longer respond. She died about 10 pm on a Saturday and I still think she decided that it was the right time so the kids wouldn't have to rush to get back to their jobs. It was like she had to check that the family would be alright and once everyone had gathered, her job was done.

Angelo

We had similar experience with my brother, who lived his last 10 months with us while a nasty brain tumor stole his life. We were able to talk about so many things and make all the peace and do all the emotional prep before the actual death, so we didn't have as hefty an imideate impact as people expected, but there was still a major impact as we came to grips with the loss through the ensuing time. Hospice was a tremenduous help.

Blessed are the care givers.

My brother was at the point where he could hardly put two words together that made any sense whatsoeve, but one day called my eldest daughter over and said, faintly, but quite clearly, "There is a sweetness at the closing of life's circle. That sweetness is love." It still makes me cry and smile at the same time.

[Darwin]

Thanks for all the good wishes. Also, I appreciate the chance to read about other folks' experiences.

In our case, we had a long, slow decline that pointed to the inevitability of the result. All we lacked was a precise timetable. Along the way, we had several events that looked like the end, but turned out not to be. As a result, we sort of got into the habit of expecting her to pull out of whatever slump she was in, so the actual end was still a bit of a surprise.

Due to severe dementia and memory loss, she wasn't very aware of what was going on around her over the past few years. She could express her desires regarding food and tell me about pain during movement, but otherwise didn't really communicate. Her memories of past events were full of holes. For example, she didn't know that her parents were dead. Most of the time, she thought that she was still living in Taiwan. She wasn't forming any new memories, either. By lunch time, she couldn't tell you what she had had for breakfast--or even whether or not she had had breakfast.

She seemed to understand everything I told her, but didn't retain it for more than an hour or two. Occasionally she would surprise me with something like, "I eat this every day", when I gave her the same soup two days in a row, but every time I told her that we were living in Texas, she would respond, "Oh yeah?" She seldom initiated a conversation or even made a comment, but only responded to questions.

One effect of the stroke that seemed to increase over time, but that disappeared with the onset of severe memory loss, was a confusion between dreams and reality--and between what she was seeing on TV and reality. For a while, she was quite convinced that everything on TV was real, and would sometimes tell me to call the police and report some crime that was being committed on the screen. During this period she sometimes found commercials alarming, though I couldn't tell what it was about them that bothered her.

About 10 weeks ago, she suffered a severe bladder infection that put her into the hospital for two weeks. She lost her appetite, and her weight dropped from an already minimal 85 pounds (she weighed 95 when we were married) to 67. We thought that might be the end for her, but she bounced back a bit. From there she went to the skilled nursing facility for wound care on a huge bedsore that she developed in the hospital. From that point on, she was pretty unresponsive most of the time, but her appetite was excellent, and her weight rose to 92 pounds, the highest it had been in several years. My older son, granddaughter, and I drove down to Arlington each day for one of her meals--mostly at lunchtime, to avoid the rush hour freeway traffic, which could change a 45-minute trip to 2 hours.

Then, the pneumonia hit and she ended up back in the hospital.

At that point, I suspected that she might not make it, but then she seemed to be showing some recovery. On Monday morning, I got three calls from the hospital. The first said that she was having trouble breathing again and was back on oxygen.

The second said that they had X-rayed her chest and that there was a lot of cloudiness around her lungs--especially the left--and that they were not sure if it was mucus in the lungs or fluid in the chest cavity, either of which could be causing the breathing problems. So, they were calling to ask permission to carry out two procedures, which would require sedation. The first was to run a tube down into her left lung to see if the cause of the cloudiness in the X-ray was mucus. If it turned out not to be, they would run a tube through her back, between a couple of ribs, into the chest cavity to drain any fluid. I said to go ahead.

The third call was to tell me that just as they were preparing to get her ready for the first procedure, she simply quit breathing.

So, we were always on the edge of expecting her to die, but never quite committed to the idea. When it actually happened, it seemed somewhat unreal. At the end of the third day, it's really just beginning to sink in.

I wrote a good bit more after this, but deleted it, as I don't want to get back into ideological controversy--especially since I now realize that I posted to the Whistle Forum, instead of to the Poststructural Pub, as I thought I was doing. (Dale, please feel free to move it.)

I really do appreciate all the comments. In a way, this is my Hospice.

[chas]

Geez, Mike, I'm sorry to hear about your loss.

A friend said to me after we lost one of our best friends to AIDS almost ten years ago, "No matter how 'ready' you are for it, it still hurts."

[Lambchop]

Mike, I'm so sorry to hear this. Both of you will remain in my thoughts and prayers.

[Mack.Hoover]

Mike,
Words fail me so I'll agree with all that's been said.

Then again maybe I can find a few words that hopefully will do:
Your forty years with May almost matches my forty two with Joan.
I can identify with the process of getting used to someone,
Being known and getting to know a sometimes familiar stranger
Who is full of surprises as well as expected responses.
When the inevitible finally comes to us, the one who's left
will know what you're going through, but for now can only surmise.
But here's our advise: We will keep the memories but go on.
The good and sweet memories we'll make permanent.
The others we'll make short term or convert to sweet ones to keep.
We'll grieve, we'll feel relief that suffering's ended.
We'll find ways to cope and we'll never lose hope
That we will find the way to go on just as life does.
I have the strong impression you know all this
And are well on that path already!
Mack

[Tommy]

The whistle forum doors are open 24/7.

[izzarina]

Mike,
I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers during this time. And please know that we are always here if and when you need us.