Whys and Wherefores of Blues

TomB · Post by **TomB** » Mon Aug 01, 2005 1:07 pm

Whys and Wherefores of Blues

If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood the why and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and Nawlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues (a) highway (b) jailhouse (c) empty bed (d) bottom of a whiskey glass.

11. Bad places for the Blues (a) Nordstrom's (b) gallery openings (c) Ivy League institutions (d) golf courses.

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: (a) you're older than dirt (b) you're blind (c) you shot a
man in Memphis (d) you can't be satisfied. No, if: (a) you have all your teeth (b) you once were blind but now can see (c) the man in Memphis lived (d) you have a 401K or trust fund
14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: (a) cheap wine (b) whiskey or bourbon (c) muddy water (d) black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: (a) Perrier (b) Chardonnay (c) Snapple (d) Slim Fast

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

17. Some Blues names for women: (a) Sadie (b) Big Mama (c) Bessie (d) Fat River Dumpling

18. Some Blues names for men: (a) Joe (b) Willie (c) Little Willie (d) Big Willie

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

20. Blues Name Starter Kit: (a) name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) (b) first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Peach, etc.) (c) last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lemon Jefferson, Pegleg Lime Johnson or Cripple Peach Fillmore, etc.

21. I don't care how tragic your life is: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues, period. Sorry.

All the Best, Tom

The Weekenders · Post by **The Weekenders** » Mon Aug 01, 2005 1:08 pm

It helps to be fluent in Ebonics.

missy · Post by **missy** » Mon Aug 01, 2005 2:08 pm

a good friend wanted to write a blues song, but he's a white, upper middle class American male that has had a job all of his life, been married to the same wonderful woman for close to 30 years, and hasn't been in or had children in jail.
So he wrote the only thing he COULD feel the blues about:

"The College Tuition Blues".

djm · Post by **djm** » Mon Aug 01, 2005 4:30 pm

I too fail to meet the requisites for singing the blues as listed above. Fortunately for me, this is an ITM forum. "Ah got the greeeeeeeens, baby. Got the gree-ens so bad ...."

djm

Post by **Nanohedron** » Mon Aug 01, 2005 4:58 pm

TomB wrote:Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression.

In Minnefunky it's a restaurant. So to speak.

Flyingcursor · Post by **Flyingcursor** » Tue Aug 02, 2005 5:08 am

I believe you can have the Blues in Detroit as long as you call it: "DEEtroit City".

Sweatshop factories and cotton fields are also legitimate blues locations.

Coal mines are a perogative of American folk and country.

I don't know where Montana dental floss ranches fit.

Jerry Freeman · Post by **Jerry Freeman** » Tue Aug 02, 2005 6:35 am

"Well, I woke up this afternoo-oo-oon,
Both cars were gone.
Yes, I woke up this afternoo-oo-oon,
Both cars were gone.
Well, I feel so lowdown, feel so lowdown, feel so lowda-ow-awn ...
I threw my drink across the lawn."

Best wishes,
Jerry

djm · Post by **djm** » Tue Aug 02, 2005 7:27 am

FlyingCursor wrote:I don't know where Montana dental floss ranches fit.

I believe a pair of zircon-encrusted tweezers are mandatory. Pygmy ponies are optional. (Movin' to Montana soon - Yippee Kye-o Kye-ay)

djm

Bloomfield · Post by **Bloomfield** » Tue Aug 02, 2005 8:57 am

It's raining all day and the sun never shine
It's raining all day and the sun never shine
I'm tired of waiting at Starbucks there is a long line

I've got the blues and I'm feeling so bad
I've got the blues and I'm feeling so bad
This must be the worst paper cut I've ever had.

Wombat · Post by **Wombat** » Tue Aug 02, 2005 9:03 am

I'm goin' to McDonalds, sorry but I can't take you,
I'm goin' to McDonalds, sorry but I can't take you,
If I have another burger, oh lawdy, I swear I'm gonna spew

Post by **Nanohedron** » Tue Aug 02, 2005 12:00 pm

Oh, ma CPA left me this mornin'
Ah cain't get no break anymo'
Oh, ma CPA left me this mornin'
Ah cain't get no break anymo'
Well, I'd drink away all of ma troubles
But Midleton I now cain't afford.

I'm goin' down to Hennepin Avenue
Yeah, baby, I got nowhere else to go
Said I'm goin' down to Hennepin Avenue
Mmmmm, I got nowhere else to go
Gonna get me some o' that dinner theater
Try to dine away ma woe.

scottielvr · Post by **scottielvr** » Tue Aug 02, 2005 1:17 pm

Well I had me some work done
I got a good price
Welllllll I had me some work done
And at such a good price

Now my face it ain’t movin’
It so stiff it might crack
And my man took just one look
Now he ain’t comin back

Cause I cain’t smile no mo’
I got those lowdown
Cain’t frown
Discount facelift blues.

myrddinemrys · Post by **myrddinemrys** » Tue Dec 06, 2005 9:53 pm

Nanohedron wrote:
TomB wrote:Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression.
In Minnefunky it's a restaurant. So to speak.

sorry to bring this up so late . . . I had NO idea that place was still open. wow. memories.

Flyingcursor · Post by **Flyingcursor** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 6:25 am

That's ok because this thread is about the blues which are timeless.

jbarter · Post by **jbarter** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 7:06 am

I didn't wake up this mornin'.
Zzzzzzzzz