a question for the straight men here

Jack · Post by **Jack** » Fri Mar 25, 2005 4:05 pm

Um...I'm going to be living in a dorm in August, with a random guy who will probably be heterosexual and between the ages of 17-22.

When you were this age, how would you react to having to live with a very girly...uh...me?

This is a concern of mine, because most of the straight guys I know my age do not take to me very well...they're rather intimidated by my existance.

Denny · Post by **Denny** » Fri Mar 25, 2005 4:19 pm

I have had many gay friends. It would not be an issue. Whether I liked you as a person would matter.

OT, a bit:
Assuming that you do draw a straight roommate. Your roommate may learn, with time, that some of the girls will feel that it is their duty to help him with his "problem".

Denny

Jack · Post by **Jack** » Fri Mar 25, 2005 4:24 pm

Denny wrote:I have had many gay friends. It would not be an issue. Whether I liked you as a person would matter.

OT, a bit:
Assuming that you do draw a straight roommate. Your roommate may learn, with time, that some of the girls will feel that it is their duty to help him with his "problem".

Denny

It really is a concern of mine because except for my brother, I have no straight male friends because I don't try to be girly, but that's just how I am. I don't wear makeup or feather boas all the time (anymore, at least--I gave them all to Bloomfield), but...gah.

Since I'm often called 'ma'am' and people always think I'm a woman in real life anyway, I'm thinking about telling the college that I'm transgendered (not true) and requesting a room that's meant for disabled people, which has its own bathroom and everything. I know a couple people who've done this, but it really does seem dishonest to me and I'd be lonely and not learn anything.

My delimmas are so damn weird!

Jayhawk · Post by **Jayhawk** » Fri Mar 25, 2005 4:28 pm

PM'd you - but also think you should see if there is an "art" type of dorm. KU had a dorm that was full of art students, and it was a very open place (I put in for dorms too late to get anything but the last available, all male dorm...I really wanted co-ed!).

Also - I'm in the no big deal camp...many of my friend are/were gay/bi.

Eric

peeplj · Post by **peeplj** » Fri Mar 25, 2005 4:34 pm

I wouldn't lie to the college...that'll come back to haunt you.

Just hope you get a good room-mate, and if you don't, try to get your housing adjusted, or make new friends and get an apartment together.

You don't want your room-mate to come across as the stereotypical big-burly-dangerous hetero (which few of us are), so don't throw your sexuality in his face either.

Protective coloration is your friend. Learn to talk like a redneck and mean it.

--James

ChrisA · Post by **ChrisA** » Fri Mar 25, 2005 4:37 pm

Hmm, most guys in my circle of friends would've been weirded out, some would've
tried to change rooms, a few might have done small things to make your life miserable.
I never could stand the sort of person that would actually physically hurt someone over
something like that, but outside my circles, there certainly were people who would assault
you just because they thought you looked wrong (especially among the jocks, but also
some of the metalheads; both populations are reduced in representation across the HS/ college boundary, though.) I graduated college some years back, and tolerance is increasing
very rapidly, so, that's good news.

I think most likely, you'll get someone who's nervous about it but doesn't want to be so
politically incorrect as to say something insulting. Unless you get someone -violently-
homophobic - and they'll likely make that loudly clear immediately - then you'll probably
be all right.

At my college they had the so-called 1-in-10 floor for openly gay and lesbian people just
so they could be in a safer space. Is there no housing-preference choices for you to
make? If you end up roommates with the junior-varsity quarterback or something, it
could be bad - even if he's the nicest guy in the world, the people around him are likely
to take independent action; it's just inherent in that subculture.

Not to scare you needlessly - I think most likely you'll end up with a confused English Lit
major who doesn't know what to say to 'someone like that', and have plenty of peace and
quiet (at least until he realizes you're just a person.) However, I have also known people
hospitalized for seeming gay in the wrong place at the wrong time (on college campus).

rh · Post by rh » Fri Mar 25, 2005 4:40 pm

during my sophomore year in college (southern illinois u, 1982) i had a fairly effeminate gay roommate... he was a very nice guy and nobody on the floor had any problem with him as far as i could tell. he didn't socialize much with the other guys in the dorm (neither did i for that matter), but i never saw or heard of any hostility toward him. so i don't know that it's a big cause for concern. you could look into getting a room change if there is a problem -- you'll probably know that pretty soon after you move in.

FJohnSharp · Post by **FJohnSharp** » Fri Mar 25, 2005 4:48 pm

When I was in college in the 70's a "very girlie" guy would have been picked on by some guys and accepted by others. It's going to really be determined by the individual. Some guys flat out will have a problem with it, I'm sorry to say. I don't know what state you're from, but there are all kinds that go to college--not just liberal thinkers. There are plenty of intolerant, small town, redneck types who have never seen a homosexual except in the movies, and who know only what their preacher tells them. which you can imagine is not complimentary.

At the very least you'll need a thick skin and a sense of humor. You also seem to me (via the completely flawed medium of inernet message boards) to be a bit of an opinionated activist type, which is a totally cool thing in my book, but will be a disadvantage in a dorm setting for an outsider. In college it pays to know how to get along sometimes.

Wanderer · Post by **Wanderer** » Fri Mar 25, 2005 4:50 pm

At that age, I personally wouldn't have cared a whit if a male roommate were gay straight or bi..provided they didn't pat me on the knee too much when we were chatting

jim stone · Post by **jim stone** » Fri Mar 25, 2005 5:02 pm

One thing for sure--if you room alone in a dorm, for whatever
reason, you won't find yourself isolated. I wouldn't lie
to anybody, following Peeples good advice, however there
may be somebody on campus, including a gay students'
group or dorm counselors, to whom you might express
your concerns and ask for advice.

Jack · Post by **Jack** » Fri Mar 25, 2005 5:03 pm

FJohnSharp wrote:Some guys flat out will have a problem with it, I'm sorry to say. I don't know what state you're from, but there are all kinds that go to college--not just liberal thinkers. There are plenty of intolerant, small town, redneck types who have never seen a homosexual except in the movies, and who know only what their preacher tells them. which you can imagine is not complimentary.

Yes, I know those people. I'm one of them, sort of.

At the very least you'll need a thick skin and a sense of humor.

I have a sense of humour, but not a very thick skin, sadly. I'm affected by every little thing. I'm sort of more fragile than I seem to be, if that makes sense. It would not be unlike me to just remain silent and never talk to my roomate at all, but constantly worry that he hated me. :roll:

You also seem to me (via the completely flawed medium of inernet message boards) to be a bit of an opinionated activist type

I do?

emmline · Post by **emmline** » Fri Mar 25, 2005 5:19 pm

Not being a man, of any stripe, I may not be qualified to weigh in here--but firstly, I like Jayhawk's idea of determining whether there's housing with an artsy focus. Also, it depends a great deal on your school. What goes over fine at Sarah Lawrence or Bard, would not at Bob Jones.
Perhaps it would be helpful to contact the housing office and discuss your concerns. Maybe there are some single room options available, or maybe there are, in fact, some alternative type things. I know, for example, that several of the schools my daughter looked at had vegetarian or healthy lifestyle wings, which might attract a more open-minded crowd. Or not, depending on the overall school climate.

I.D.10-t · Post by **I.D.10-t** » Fri Mar 25, 2005 5:19 pm

Get a hold of your college of choice and find out if there is a GLBT group in the college that you are going to. They will be able to advise you better than any one else. For example I believe my school at times has special move in times for the GLBT crowds. Many colleges have programs for people that help people with the transition to college in your situation. In addition you will already have contact with people in your school and have a leg up on all of the other newbie’s.

I think that most universities are trying to make sure that the environment is safe for every one and that most prejudice in college are more “tame”.

PS the only reason I am not a homophobe is because Gays were not afraid of me.

amar · Post by **amar** » Fri Mar 25, 2005 5:25 pm

emmline wrote:Not being a man, of any stripe, I may not be qualified to weigh in here--but firstly, I like Jayhawk's idea of determining whether there's housing with an artsy focus. Also, it depends a great deal on your school. What goes over fine at Sarah Lawrence or Bard, would not at Bob Jones.
Perhaps it would be helpful to contact the housing office and discuss your concerns. Maybe there are some single room options available, or maybe there are, in fact, some alternative type things. I know, for example, that several of the schools my daughter looked at had vegetarian or healthy lifestyle wings, which might attract a more open-minded crowd. Or not, depending on the overall school climate.

this is an outrage! AN OUTRAGE!!!!!!!!! Are you insinuating that non-vegetarians (like me) haven't got an open mind????

Jack · Post by **Jack** » Fri Mar 25, 2005 5:41 pm

Well, it's a Catholic Jesuit institution, and as a Quaker I already have concerns about not calling people 'Father', etc. I don't use titles at all, for anything or anybody. I don't call my current professors (community college) anything other than their first names, and I explained to them my reasons and they took it well, but I'm not sure how not calling a priest (many are professors or instructors) 'Father' will be. I have to talk to the school about this, but ugh...it's just worrysome.

I'm nervous about a lot of stuff, actually...

amar wrote:this is an outrage! AN OUTRAGE!!!!!!!!! Are you insinuating that non-vegetarians (like me) haven't got an open mind????

Of course not. She's insinuating that you don't have minds at all.