Self criticism and the art of accepting compliments

[Martin Milner]

I have a friend who hands out compliments like Halloween candy. + Bill

Once a year, and never to Charlie Brown? Meanie.

[Flyingcursor]

I'm coming in late on this discussion, but here's my take. For quite a while I had trouble accepting complements on my musical performances. I didn't know how to handle it. Then I learned the following technique. My standard response is, "Thank you very much (for the complement), I am glad that you enjoyed (the concert, show, dance performance)." This has worked great for me. It takes the spotlight off of me and acknowledges the generosity of the audience member for taking the time to talk with me. It doesn't matter how well I think I played. If they enjoyed it I feel satisfied.
Mike

Variations of that have worked for me well too. I still get embarrased if somebody likes my playing too much. It has actually happened belive it or not.


Izz and Ad: MMMMUUUUAAAAAHHH HAAAA HHAAAA

[jbarter]

What's a compliment? How would I recognise it if I ever got one?

[Flyingcursor]

What's a compliment? How would I recognise it if I ever got one?

You have the best Christmas gatherings I've ever heard of.

Compliment or observation?

[jbarter]

You have the best Christmas gatherings I've ever heard of.

Compliment or observation?

You've been observing me???? Where did you hide the cameras?

[Flyingcursor]

You have the best Christmas gatherings I've ever heard of.

Compliment or observation?

You've been observing me???? Where did you hide the cameras?

You gave us a detailed description. It was so good I was stuffed and rip roaring drunk just reading it.


Anyway, my "friend" (she who has Ad and Izzy's brain) asked me to posit this query regarding compliments. (She's never played whistle, only r**cord*r, so she couldn't post this herself.)

What do you do about people who are obviously not sincere and are flattering beyond reason? Do we say "Thank You" and ignore them as a sycophant or respond that they are full of malarky? What if the flattery obviously insults someone else?

[izzarina]

Anyway, my "friend" (she who has Ad and Izzy's brain) asked me to posit this query regarding compliments. (She's never played whistle, only r**cord*r, so she couldn't post this herself.)

What do you do about people who are obviously not sincere and are flattering beyond reason? Do we say "Thank You" and ignore them as a sycophant or respond that they are full of malarky? What if the flattery obviously insults someone else?

WHAT??? You have given our brain (the better half of it I might add!) to one of THOSE people?????? The world is ending, I just know it.
I don't know what to do about people like that. I generally just say "thanks" and leave it at that.

[Nanohedron]

Most men, on the other hand, (a generalization, of course), are less likely to say negative things about themselves, because they are afraid that others will see their weak points and attack. Maybe that means that men in general are more likely to give compliments and find it easier to accept them.

I'd say that's not far off the mark. I seem to be an exception to that tendency, and will occasionally come up with a self-deprecating comment or two. One acquaintance at first thought that I was simple because of it and talked down to me until he got to know me better. After that, he'd tell me that I had a very negative view of myself despite my assurances to the contrary; it took him more than one reminder to understand that self-deprecation IS an art form, and some of us relish it. It has nothing to do with poor self image, but is a somewhat circular way of advertising one's levelheadedness (or at least the self-deception that one is levelheaded!).

I still find it difficult to accept compliments; I accept them for the sake of the giver. To not do so would be slighting, I think.

[emmline]

I have a friend who hands out compliments like Halloween candy. + Bill

Once a year, and never to Charlie Brown? Meanie.

Charlie Brown gets a rock, or did you forget?

[BoneQuint]

My standard response is, "Thank you very much (for the complement), I am glad that you enjoyed (the concert, show, dance performance)." This has worked great for me.

Sometimes after a concert I'll tell one of the performers I enjoyed it, and usually try to mention one aspect I particularly liked. And quite often I get a stock reply just like the one above, and it feels like a stock reply, and I think, "OK, I guess they're busy and don't want to have to think up an original reply yet again." But it's better when the performer doesn't give such a stock reply...maybe "Yeah, I had a good time playing" or "the audience was a lot of fun" or whatever.

[burnsbyrne]

My standard response is, "Thank you very much (for the complement), I am glad that you enjoyed (the concert, show, dance performance)." This has worked great for me.

Sometimes after a concert I'll tell one of the performers I enjoyed it, and usually try to mention one aspect I particularly liked. And quite often I get a stock reply just like the one above, and it feels like a stock reply, and I think, "OK, I guess they're busy and don't want to have to think up an original reply yet again." But it's better when the performer doesn't give such a stock reply...maybe "Yeah, I had a good time playing" or "the audience was a lot of fun" or whatever.

Yes, well, I didn't mean that I parrot these exact words every time. The point I probably didn't make very well is that I try to acknowledge that the person is paying a compliment. Usually people say something like, "Man, you guys are awesome," or some such. I know I'm not particularly awesome but I don't feel it's necessary to share that feeling at that moment so I thank the person and say that I'm happy he/she enjoyed it. If the person mentions a particular aspect of the performance I'll stop and talk a while. I have had some really good conversations backstage after a show.
Mike

[Darwin]

This all reminds me of a friend who said that he would always be alone, because, "I could never love a woman who would sink low enough to have a man like me."

[walrii]

Someone who effusively compliments a performer after a show is often attempting to give back or at least share something he recieved. After all, a performance requires both a performer AND an audience. Without the audience, it's just another practice session. The audience member has participated in something he really enjoyed, something brought about by the performer's show, and is trying to give some of his joy back. The performer's response should acknowledge the audience member's role in the performance: "I'm glad you enjoyed the performance. Thanks for coming out." Or: "Thanks, ya'll were an outstanding audience, we really enjoy being here." Or, my favorite: "We had a great time too. Let's do this again next week/month/year." The answer needn't be a "stock" answer but should acknowledge the fan's role in the performance. A self-derogatory reply is also a derogatory comment on the audience member. He thought he participated (as an audience member) in a great performance and now someone is telling him what he experienced wasn't so great after all. Bottom line: the complimentary fan had fun and is trying to give some of that joy back. Share the joy with him one more time.

[Darwin]

Bottom line: the complimentary fan had fun and is trying to give some of that joy back. Share the joy with him one more time.

Nicely put.

[anniemcu]

A friend and I were discussing the phenomena of people criticizing a percieved shortcoming in themselves to forestall criticism from others.

Example:

Sally: "Bob, is that the picture you painted?"
Bob: "Yeah, but I messed up the colors in the trees."

Bob: "Sally, let's hear that song you learned."
Sally: "OK, but it needs a lot of work."

I see this occur especially in artistic endeavors. People criticize their own work ahead of time. It's as if they want to point out, "Yes I know it sucks but here it is."

I've heard people criticize their personal appearance in a joking manner as if to say, "I know I'm too thin/fat/tall/short so I'll subtly let you know so you won't insult me."

That leads to mystery of the compliment. Is there anyone who can accept a compliment with a simple thank you or an acknowlegment without belittling themselves, and the complimenter?

Bob: "I like your hair Sally."
Sally: "They cut it too short."

Sally: "That's a wonderful painting Bob."
Bob: "Well I messed up the color."

How often do people do that? Do we realize we're doing it?

I am ever so very good... er... welll... almost an expert at it... sometimes... It does take some serious work to overcome.