Self criticism and the art of accepting compliments

Flyingcursor · Post by **Flyingcursor** » Thu Feb 03, 2005 5:31 am

A friend and I were discussing the phenomena of people criticizing a percieved shortcoming in themselves to forestall criticism from others.

Example:

Sally: "Bob, is that the picture you painted?"
Bob: "Yeah, but I messed up the colors in the trees."

Bob: "Sally, let's hear that song you learned."
Sally: "OK, but it needs a lot of work."

I see this occur especially in artistic endeavors. People criticize their own work ahead of time. It's as if they want to point out, "Yes I know it sucks but here it is."

I've heard people criticize their personal appearance in a joking manner as if to say, "I know I'm too thin/fat/tall/short so I'll subtly let you know so you won't insult me."

That leads to mystery of the compliment. Is there anyone who can accept a compliment with a simple thank you or an acknowlegment without belittling themselves, and the complimenter?

Bob: "I like your hair Sally."
Sally: "They cut it too short."

Sally: "That's a wonderful painting Bob."
Bob: "Well I messed up the color."

How often do people do that? Do we realize we're doing it?

GaryKelly · Post by **GaryKelly** » Thu Feb 03, 2005 5:40 am

That's an interesting post, Flydood.

Martin Milner · Post by **Martin Milner** » Thu Feb 03, 2005 5:53 am

Does this behaviour change depending on the relationship, e.g. husband-wife, parent-child, boyfriend-girlfriend, girlfriend-girlfriend, teacher-student?

Is one reason we enjoy our pets so much because they give and receive compliments unreservedly?

GaryKelly · Post by **GaryKelly** » Thu Feb 03, 2005 6:11 am

Those are great questions Martin.

I think it depends on the type of compliment.

Where artistry is concerned ("That's a nice painting, Bob" or "That's nice fiddling, Martin") my thinking is this: Artists always seem to strive for perfection, which of course is unattainable. It would require an enormous ego and tremendous arrogance for Bob or Martin to reply earnestly "Thanks, you're right, it was perfect." Artists are, I believe, the first to recognise that anything they have created or produced could be better.

As for compliments along the lines of "I like your hair, Sally" then the response is likely determined by many factors. If Sally thinks you're coming on to her and doesn't welcome your advances, then a curt reply is no suprise. If the hairdresser had gone beyond the bounds of Sally's requirements and indeed cut it too short, then the answer is also no surprise. Body-language would assist in deciphering the reply too... was Sally angry, on the verge of tears, haughty, icy? We don't know.

If a perfect stranger walked up to me and said "I like your clothes, dood!" I'd be instantly suspicious, waiting for him to then demand my boots and my modor-cycle. If a friend said "I like your clothes, dood!" I'd probably call him a git for taking the p*ss out of me.

peeplj · Post by **peeplj** » Thu Feb 03, 2005 6:55 am

I think there are also large differences from person to person--it's easy to misunderstand what's in someone's thoughts by what they say or write.

Also I believe there are regional differences. Where I live, if someone compliments you, you are better off to just say an honest "thanks" and move on--if you protest, it is very easy to come across as seeming dishonest and a dissembler: for example, if someone says "Lovely painting!" and you say "I am glad you like it but I really think it could have been better," then either it will be taken that (a) you are fishing for yet more compliments and are dishonest in your own appraisal of your work, or (b) you are honest but a fool, and their reaction will likely be (spoken or not) "Then why didn't you take the time to do it right?"

I speak from personal experience: such regional differences lead to misunderstandings, especially online where the nuance of the spoken word is not available.

--James

jbarter · Post by **jbarter** » Thu Feb 03, 2005 7:06 am

peeplj wrote:it's easy to misunderstand what's in someone's thoughts by what they say or write.

Really? It's a good job that's never happened here on the board.

susnfx · Post by **susnfx** » Thu Feb 03, 2005 7:32 am

I think it depends entirely on the person and is just a matter of not wanting to be seen as being too pleased with yourself. It's taken me years to be able to accept a compliment without disparaging myself in the process. I now force myself to say simply, "Thank you." But I'm still adding the "but..." to myself. My daughter, on the other hand, can reply to a compliment about her hair by saying, "Thanks, I'm really happy with how it turned out, too."

Just depends on how secure the person is with him/herself.

Susan

peeplj · Post by **peeplj** » Thu Feb 03, 2005 7:41 am

susnfx wrote:I think it depends entirely on the person and is just a matter of not wanting to be seen as being too pleased with yourself. [....]
Just depends on how secure the person is with him/herself.

Susan

A valid point. However, when you do good work, you should be pleased with yourself. If your work turned out part good and part bad (because, for instance, you're human like the rest of us

), then be honestly pleased with the good parts.

It's not only ok to do good, it's preferable.

If you are going to put your work in front of others, you will need to be secure with yourself, or the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune will knock so many holes in you that you can't walk outside in the rain anymore.

--James

--edited to fix a typo. There are already enough people who know I can't spell.

Jeff Stallard · Post by **Jeff Stallard** » Thu Feb 03, 2005 8:02 am

My first instinct when I get a compliment is that they're patronizing me.

Them: I like your hair.
Me: What's THAT supposed to mean?! You wanna throw down?!

Okay, so I'm exhaggerating a tad, but you see my point. So you're probably right that none of us take compliments well, but there are probably many different reasons for it.

aderyn_du · Post by **aderyn_du** » Thu Feb 03, 2005 8:31 am

I used to be seriously bad about being able to take a compliment gracefully, without trying to undercut it with some sort of rebuttal. I have to really consciously make an effort to just say thanks...though I'm now trying to say thanks *and* feel genuine about it.

I can still easily slip into old bad habits, but it's getting a bit easier over time.

It definitely is a self-esteem/insecurity issue, at least for me.

aderyn_du · Post by **aderyn_du** » Thu Feb 03, 2005 8:32 am

So, I just checked my email and this quote was sitting in my inbox:

There is always a certain peace in being what one is, in being that completely.

-Ugo Betti

How apropos is that?

avanutria · Post by **avanutria** » Thu Feb 03, 2005 8:40 am

You're getting encouraging emails from dead Italian playwrights...that's a heck of a mail server you've got!

aderyn_du · Post by **aderyn_du** » Thu Feb 03, 2005 8:43 am

avanutria wrote:You're getting encouraging emails from dead Italian playwrights...that's a heck of a mail server you've got!

Isn't it though? It's amazing how advanced communications have gotten...

norseman · Post by **norseman** » Thu Feb 03, 2005 8:57 am

aderyn_du wrote:
avanutria wrote:You're getting encouraging emails from dead Italian playwrights...that's a heck of a mail server you've got!
Isn't it though? It's amazing how advanced communications have gotten...

Maybe they learned how to do it from watching "White Noise".

I.D.10-t · Post by **I.D.10-t** » Thu Feb 03, 2005 9:01 am

This is probally a dumb post,
But could it be that they are fishing for a compliment?

I mean if you set someones sights low, they can only be pleasently suprised.