OT 'How Not to Write Metaphors' The Press has been outdone.

Caj · Post by **Caj** » Fri Apr 23, 2004 8:43 pm

These actually sound like entries from the Edward Bulwer-Lytton contest.

This is an annual contest to write the worst possible opening sentence to a novel. Named in honor of Edward Bulwer-Lytton, a contemporary of Dickens who has some notoriety for writing bad prose.

(It was Bulwer-Lytton, by the way, who first used the opening line, "It was a dark and stormy night" --- as the beginning of a pretty long and awful opening sentence. Those of you who read Peanuts may remember Snoopy hunched over a typewriter, ever attempting to write a second-rate novel beginning with that sentence. That was, in fact, a nod to Edward Bulwer-Lytton.)

A quick web search gives me http://www.bulwer-lytton.com . Aside from listing recent contest entries, they now have a page of horrible opening sentences in real novels, in the "Sticks and Stones" section.

Caj

Lark · Post by **Lark** » Sat Apr 24, 2004 9:01 pm

This reminds me of my favourite pickup line to use:

Your eyes are like limpid pools of primeval ooze -- and I'm the protozoa who longs to swim in their depths

I’ve had the best luck with this one…

raindog1970 · Post by **raindog1970** » Sat Apr 24, 2004 9:23 pm

Bad Romance Novel Metaphors or Similies:

His body was hard -- not hard like Milosevic, the Serbian strongman, but hard like the marble on your shower floor, when you fall and bang your knee.
Her shoulders heaved like the tiny sobs of Snuggles the cat being run through with a roasting spit.
Her petticoats dropped to the ground, rustling like a cockroach in a sugar bowl.
...then he kissed her, like a butterfly kisses the windshield of a Porsche on the Autobahn.
With his broad shoulders and slim waist, he was a yield sign -- yet she could NOT!
He tore open her blouse like a Publisher's Clearing House letter in which he, and some guy named Steven Bouber from Stockton, California, were potential finalists for the ten million dollar prize.
With each breath, her chest heaved like a bulimic after Thanksgiving dinner.
He Beatty-ed her shamelessly, making her squeal like Ned and hallucinate like Warren.
Claire felt swept away by this dark stranger, a helpless dust bunny in the roaring cacophony of his gas-powered leaf blower.
His finger, weathered and rough from years on the ranch, danced in and out of his nose like a slimy ballerina.

edited to remove a few of the more inappropriate entries

TonyHiggins · Post by **TonyHiggins** » Sat Apr 24, 2004 10:33 pm

I'm starting to have second thoughts about starting this thread

Tony

vomitbunny · Post by **vomitbunny** » Sat Apr 24, 2004 11:40 pm

"And then, he had second thoughts about the thread he had posted, like a mouse caught in a trap, having second thoughts about the cheese.......".........

anniemcu · Post by **anniemcu** » Sun Apr 25, 2004 3:42 pm

Thanks guys, this was much more fun than beating my head against the brick wall of political partisanship... er... "The comic relief was sudden, like that of a startled cat, noting the end of the dog chain."

Steven · Post by **Steven** » Mon Apr 26, 2004 7:19 am

Lark wrote:This reminds me of my favourite pickup line to use:

Your eyes are like limpid pools of primeval ooze -- and I'm the protozoa who longs to swim in their depths
I’ve had the best luck with this one…

Now I'm very scared to hear the OTHER lines you've tried, if this worked better than they did!!

Steven

timgreenwood · Post by **timgreenwood** » Tue Apr 27, 2004 4:36 pm

us brits don't do things by halves!!...ah, the days of 31p pints...actually, i would have been about 4 when a pint cost 31p!

timgreenwood · Post by **timgreenwood** » Tue Apr 27, 2004 4:39 pm

whoever wrote those should go into comedy