Poor Puns

[PhilO]

Watch out! These are lethal! HA HA!

> 1. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
> bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in
> a
> fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
>
> 2. A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think
> I'm
> shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just
>
> have to be a little patient."
>
> 3. Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became
> quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not
> eat
> much and became quite thin and frail. He also was quite a spiritual
> person.
> Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. He
> became
> known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
>
> 4. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and -- standing in
> the
> lobby discussing their recent tournament victories -- causing the
> manager to
> come out of his office to ask them to please leave.
> "But, why?" they ask, "Because, I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an
> open
> foyer."
>
> 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
> canal?
> He wanted to transcend dental medication.
>
> 6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the
> lavatory
> equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely
> nothing
> to go on."
>
> 7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
> man.
> After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip
> of
> elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and
>
> swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine
> man
> returned to
> see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong
> is
> ended, but the malady lingers on."
>
> 8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
> name
> missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the
> local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken
>
> Leif off my census."
>
> 9. A local man was found murdered in his home over the weekend.
> Detectives
> at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been
> filled
> with milk and corn flakes, and the deceased had a banana protruding from
> his
> buttocks. The news people then quoted that police suspect a cereal
> killer.
>
> 10. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept
> on
> an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became
>
> pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the
>
> hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of
> the
> hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
>
> By the way, the guy who wrote these puns entered them in a contest. He
> figured with 10 entries he couldn't lose. As they were reading the list
> of
> winners he was really hoping one of his puns would win, but
> unfortunately,
> no pun in ten did.

Ouch, that one hurt! HA HA HA!

Just relayed to brighten up your day, all.

(Also trying hard to distract myself from thinking about buying that deep purple Overton F Bloomfield says is amazing).

Regards,

PhilO

[jim stone]

horrible. Did you hear the one about the
cat who ate limburger cheese and
waited at the mousehole with baited breath?

[TelegramSam]

What about the guy who dreamed about a muffler and woke up exhausted?

[fancypiper]

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh Mann, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

[TelegramSam]

What's a pirate's favorite kind of cookie? Ships ahoy.

What does a pirate say when he takes over Santa's job? Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum!

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

So there's this Pirate with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the pirate who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then he gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran pirate blush. At that point, he is so mad that he throws it into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. By the way, what did the chicken do?"

A pirate captain walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender looks up from the counter and says: "Hey! What is a steering wheel doing in your pants?" To this, the pirate captain replies: " Arr! It's driving me nuts!"

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!" "What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really." "Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands." "Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really." "Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes." "Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye." "So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird poo!" "Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

How did the pirate stop smoking? He used the patch!

What's a pirate's favorite kind of socks? ARRRRRgyle.

What does a vegan pirate do in jail? StARRRRRRRRRve.

Have you heard about the new pirate movie? It's rated AARRRR!!!

Why was the movie rated Arr? BECAUSE OF ALL THE BOOTY!

What do a pimp and a pirate have in common? They both say yo ho!

What lays at the bottom of the ocean and quivers? A nervous wreck.

What kind of car does a pirate drive? A cutlass.

[Tim Hall]

Newly-elected Governor Schwartzenegger wanted to help California's budget woes, so he decided to sell off all the stars on the Walk of Fame. He started with his own, had it removed from the sidewalk and took it to the pawn shop. The clerk looked at the star, looked at the Governor, and said "I'm going to need to see some ID." Schwartzenegger stared at him, and said "Don't you know who I am?" The clerk responded "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are."

[jluckett]

Since this seems to be turning into more of a "jokes" thread than a "puns" thread...



A man was browsing in an antique store when he spotted, of all things, an old stuffed rat. Not knowing exactly why, he took a fancy to it and decided to buy it. He walked happily out of the shop with the stuffed rat under his arm. He hadn’t walked very far when he saw a rat on the sidewalk in front of him, just standing there staring at him. He quickly turned and walked the other way.

He hadn’t even made it a block when he saw another rat – again, just standing there staring at him. He looked nervously around, trying to decide which way to go now, when he noticed that there were rats everywhere – all standing there staring at him. This proved to be too much for him, and he broke into a run. Much to his dismay, the rats all took off after him.

It happens that he had run toward the town’s wharf, and he suddenly found himself trapped at the end of a pier. Panicking, he threw the stuffed rat into the sea. All the rats ran past right by him and jumped into the sea, following the fate of the stuffed rat.

Feeling very relieved, he walked back to the antique store. He asked the owner of the shop, "Do you have any stuffed Bodhràn players?"

[akhleung]

Did you hear the story about the three wells? You haven't? Well, well, well.

[antstastegood]

A man walked into a bar ... and said ouch.

"Why did the cook buy all those spices and honey?"
"I think they're for a ham."

The parents of a young child who refused to eat vegetables spoke at length about the beneficial nutrients, the greatness of a healthy diet, etc. Sensing that the child was growing bored with their speech, they concluded with "All we are saying, is give peas a chance!"

[Scott McCallister]

They say that punning is the highest form of humor...

and the lowest from of a joke. :roll:




Scott McCallister

[Zubivka]

Sorry--we Froonchmen never make cheap buns.
We have our de luxe croissants.

[TomB]

I'm sure you've heard about the Russian and Czechoslovakian scientists who had dedicated their lives to the study of the great bears. Of course all the great bears have long since been hunted to extinction in Europe and pushed to the far frontiers in Russia. So the two scientists begged and pleaded to be able to come to the US to study grizzly bears. It was pretty much impossible until all the changes had occurred in Russia but at long last their Visas were approved and they ended up at the Ranger Station in Yellowstone National Park. The rangers were very patient and gave their standard spiel about grizzlies but that wouldn't do for the Russian and Czechoslovakian scientists. They insisted that they had studied the great bears and now wanted to see them in their natural habitat.

The rangers were very patient but the scientists insisted and finally they agreed to take them out to the wilds so they could observe the grizzlies. The help them set up camp and gave them a radio and insisted that they call in every day.

All went well for five days but on the fifth day, the scientists did not call in. The rangers gathered up their equipment and traveled to the camp only to find it completely destroyed and blood on the ground. They were concerned for the safety of the scientists and also feared an international incident so set out to find out what happened to the Russian and Czech scientists.

These were experienced rangers and while tracking the grizzlies figured out that there were actually two bears, a big female sow and even bigger male boar. They finally caught up to the bears and managed to shoot one and the other ran away. They approached the bear only to find that it was the female grizzly. They cut it open and decided that she had eaten the Russian scientist.

One Ranger looked at the other and said: "You know what this means, don't you?"
The other ranger shook his head and said: "Yeah, it means the Czechs in the male."

All the Best, Tom

[Nanohedron]

Now THIS is punishment.

[Kevin L. Rietmann]

Israeli police were looking for a man named Joseph, wanted for looting in the port city of Haifa. The suspect was described as the son of a Barcelona ex-nun and a German father. He was a former flutist and worked occasionally as a farmer.



In short, he was a Haifa-lootin', flutin' Teuton, son-of-a-nun from Barcelona, part-time plowboy Joe.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam!
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
Puns about chickens can run afowl of people's sensibilities. It may ruffle their feathers, and they can find them eggscrutiating. Still, if one is well done it can be poultry in motion.
"What's your favorite kind of nut?"
"Cashews."
"Gesundheit."
What kind of boat did Dracula buy? A blood vessel.
Erase...what Mario Andretti does
Erect...what he did in his last race
Erode...how they got him to the hospital
If your wife was to feed you stew for dinner on Tuesday night, and leftover stew for dinner on Wednesday night, would Wednesday's dinner be known as "deja stew"?
In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.
3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.
John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.
Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine, All Mine.
Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women merge to become Knott NOW.
If Alitalia Italian airlines were to merge with General Electric, the new company would be called Genitalia.
If you go to an Indian Casino, and the Casino manager comps you a room, does that make him an Indian giver???
Do they open the room with a Chero-Key???
If you need female companionship, does he provide you with a Nava-Ho??????
If the room is not up to standards, can you Sioux him????
Would a group of spring time birds lying in the sun be called baskin' robins?
A large mass of people drooling all over could be called the Salivation Army!
I sweetened my pancakes syrup-titiously!
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...'
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here."
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes.
This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman... She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her... "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..."
Said Helvetica Narrow to Helvetica bold: "Hey, you're just my type."
McDonald's is making an attempt to be ecologically sound, and to use all of the animals they slaughter for their hamburgers. They're coming out with a new one that's made entirely from bull's lips. They're calling it McJagger.
Do you know why the Lakers don't drink coffee anymore? They have no more Kareen.
If she talks too long, interrupter.
If her way of thinking is not yours, converter.
The miserly squirrel could never find a mate because he insisted on a prenutshell agreement.
My friend was going to write a drinking song, but he never got past the first bar.
Regarding July 4th: Don't think for a minute about being among the first to go forth on the third to get a fifth for the Fourth - for he who drives forth with a fifth on the Fourth may never drive forth on the fifth.
If two people of the same religion get married, is this a same-sect marriage?
"I dropped my toothpaste," Tom said, crestfallen.
"Damn! No more bananas!" Tom said, fruitlessly.
Did you know the baby Jesus was 7 pounds, 4 ounces? Or didn't you know there was a weigh in the manger?
The portrait fell down from the wall
and struck the young man's head.
"A striking likeness!" that was all
the rueful punster said.
Me and two friends of mine went to a junk yard looking for car parts. After we left one friend complained about being hungry. I looked at him and said "Why didn't you tell us back at the junk yard, you could have had a V8."
Marge Schott and Tina Turner were surprised to find out that Madonna sang about them in "Evita." You know the song - "Don't Cry for Me, Marge and Tina."
A Shetland pony came into a drugstore and said, "Hey, where do I find the throat losenges? I'm a little hoarse."
When people who like potatoes hold a party in the fall, they call it Octuberfest.
When Star Trek fans hold a party in the fall, they call it Spocktoberfest.
When Classical music fans hold a party in the fall, they call it Bachtoberfest.
When geologists hold a party in the fall, they call it Rocktoberfest.
When Shriners hold a party in the fall, they call it Octoberfez.
When people just pretend to hold a party in the fall, they call it Mocktoberfest.
I bought some shampoo. The store was all out of real poo.
The grape lived for lying around in the sun. It was his raisin d'etre.

[PhilO]

Uncle...uncle.....Kevin wins....what have I started here?

PhilO