semi-OT - My grandmother died today

[Patrick]

Okay, there is a whistle involved, but that isn't the main purpose of this post. I just need to sort of articulate my feelings a little and I know others here have gone through things like this in the past.

I knew my grandmother was doing poorly, but I had no idea how poorly she was doing until Thursday when my mother told me my brother was at the end of his rope caring for her. Her home is in southern Califonia and my brother came to visit while on his epic road trip, then ended up staying, as he was the one capable and responsible adult around who could make sure our grandmother ate and drank. At all.

So, that went for a week, including a trip to the hospital to get an IV and hydrate her a little. Then, my mom tells me Seann has reached his limit. I asked if there was some way to get me down there and she used her airline miles to fly me to California. I arrived at 9:15 Saturday morning and was at her bedside by 9:40. Seann really was beat. He's been doing all-day, all-night shifts with her. She was completely blind for the last few weeks, so she was afraid to be alone for any time at all.

All-told, she said only a few words from the time I got here. She said "water" once and I gave her as much as she wanted, she said my name when I came in the door and told her who was here, and she twice called out "help me" which my brother is sure was her calling on God.

I played my low-D whistle for her for about 45 minutes this afternoon. She was quiet the whole time. I told her about the tunes I was playing and what they made me think of. By the end of that time, she was dead. I wasn't really sure she was dead, thinking that she might be sleeping or in a stupor (morphine for the pain of her tumor), but I think I knew inside that she was dead.

I'm really glad that I was able to say goodbye to her and that the last thing she heard was me sharing my love of music with her.

This is the first time I have experienced death close-up. I had a friend who killed himself in high-school, but that is totally different. However, in both cases, it got me to thinking that many of the novelists who write about death don't know what they are writing about. I keep seeing death presented as either an adversary with whom to do noble battle or as a kind and dignified end to a life. But death strips away our attempts at dignity. Death is dispassionate, certainly not noble, and I really don't know about kindness.

I didn't keep the close relationship with her that I should have, but I won't beat myself up about it. I thank God that I could say goodbye to her and that I could do something for her other than sit and feel useless. I suspect that I will be playing slow airs on that whistle for a while. Seems almost wrong to play anything fast right after using it this way. I'm so glad I brought it along. I had only expected to use it for filling in the times when I didn't know what to talk about.

There isn't really any point to this other than to get a couple of thoughts off my chest. I am fine emotionally, as she was ready to die. I probably won't be checking back in for a few days, maybe not until I get back to Alaska. I hope that anyone else here who has to deal with this is ready for it.

Good night.

-Patrick

[Walden]

My condolences to you.

[Redwolf]

God bless you and your brother, Patrick, for being with her. I can't imagine anything I'd rather hear as I slip from this life to the next than someone I love making music.

Hugs,

Redwolf

[peeplj]

Having recently lost my father, my heart goes out to you all the more.

Again the old saying comes to mind, about how death isn't all that hard on those that die, but is hardest on those they leave behind.

Be nice to yourself and give yourself some time to feel everything you're going to have to feel. It is very hard to be with someone when they die.

I am very sure she was grateful you were there, though. You stopped her from having to die alone, and that's something you'll learn to take pride in, when a little more time has gone by.

In hopes for peace of mind, peace of heart, and that you be blessed in every good way,

--James Peeples

[Wombat]

My condolences Patrick. I found your story very moving. The way you describe your grandmother's death, it comes across as having much more dignity than you were suggesting, thanks, in large part, to you and your brother. Perhaps in time you'll come to see it that way too.

Best wishes to you and your family.
John

[Jerry Freeman]

There's nothing for me to add to the wise and thoughtful comments above, except my own condolences.

Best wishes,
Jerry

[aderyn_du]

My sympathy to you and to your family... may your grandmother's memory live on strongly in your heart!!


Blessings,
Andrea

[Mack.Hoover]

Dear Patrick,

Thank you so much for such a tender and touching narration. Music is a wonderful way to to accompany a departure.

We sang Mom's old favorites as she was lying in the hospital. Nurses and attentands gathered around to listen. We weren't sure she could hear from her coma, but she sure looked peaceful.

I sang all the old hymns I could think of for my Father in law as he lay dying. Fortunately no one else was listening, but he seemed at peace.

Your Grandma was certainly hearing with her spirit if not with her ears. And we all here are listening now and are affected!

Mack

[anniemcu]

Patrick, I'm sorry for your loss and so glad you were able to be with her... the priveledge of attending a loved one's passing is something many people don't understand. I think she must have loved being whistled on her way. May her soul fly free.

Blessings and Peace,
annie

[JessieK]

Wow, Patrick. That is a beautiful account of your experience. Thank you for sharing it. I think you used the whistle in one of the best possible ways.

~Jessie

[Celtoid]

How wonderful that you wree able to be there and play for her. The last sounds in life were of a whistle played to celebrate life and love. I hope that at the moment of my death some kindly person would play some lovely celtic tunes for me. You should walk tall and in balance and be very happy for her. Yes, sad, but happy too.

[cowtime]

Both you and your Grandmother were very lucky to be able to share that last time together.

What a wonderful thing to be fortunate enough to have a grandchild to offer such a parting gift.