A couple of physicist jokes:
A young woman is out walking, and a frog jumps out in front of her and says, "Kiss me and I'll turn into a physicist." She's really excited, picks it up and puts it into her handbag.
She gets back to her apartment and sets the frog up in a nice box on the kitchen table. Her roommate comes in that evening, and the woman says, "Look at this!"
Right on cue, the frog says, "Kiss me and I'll turn into a physicist."
The roommate says, "Well, are you going to kiss him or what?"
The woman replies, "Are you kidding, do you know how much more a talking frog is worth than a physicist?"
___________________
A lawyer, a doctor, and a physicist are discussing the merits of having a wife vs. having a mistress.
The lawyer prefers having a mistress; it avoids all the legal hassles that having a wife incurs.
The doctor prefers having a wife, who will stick by him and always be there after a tiring day.
The physicist says, "I'd prefer having both a wife and a mistress. That way, I can tell the mistress I'm with my wife and tell the wife that I'm with the mistress, then I can sneak off to the lab and work all night."
Blue
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chas
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Charlie
Whorfin Woods
"Our work puts heavy metal where it belongs -- as a music genre and not a pollutant in drinking water." -- Prof Ali Miserez.
Whorfin Woods
"Our work puts heavy metal where it belongs -- as a music genre and not a pollutant in drinking water." -- Prof Ali Miserez.
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Martin Milner
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I know, I knowZubivka wrote:... and for a moment I thought I was reading Turner's post.Martin Milner wrote:
Oh-là-là, c'est la guerre? You sillee knnnnigggett with your sillee Qkkkween and boiled crazy cow meat, this settles it. I cancel my order of a Rose, and will melt publicly a Dixon during Mesquer's Ceilid 4, 5, 6th July--be there folks!.
Also, I don't want a Tryoomph motorbike now. I'll take the Cowasakee instead. And if I won't remove the Union jack "ornating" my bicycle seat, it's only because I sit on it and f*rt in its general direction!
but it was the only vaguely clean joke I could recall at short notice, and this was an emergency! Couldn't have Tyghress feeling blue! I'm still sniggering at Kathy's butcher joke!-
TomB
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If I've stolen this from a member of the Board here, I'm sorry, but I think it's really funny- yes, I have a weird sense of humor.
I'm sure you've heard about the Russian and Czechoslovakian scientists who had dedicated their lives to the study of the great bears. Of course all the great bears have long since been hunted to extinction in Europe and pushed to the far frontiers in Russia. So the two scientists begged and pleaded to be able to come to the US to study grizzly bears. It was pretty much impossible until all the changes had occurred in Russia but at long last their Visas were approved and they ended up at the Ranger Station in Yellowstone National Park. The rangers were very patient and gave their standard spiel about grizzlies but that wouldn't do for the Russian and Czechoslovakian scientists. They insisted that they had studied the great bears and now wanted to see them in their natural habitat.
The rangers were very patient but the scientists insisted and finally they agreed to take them out to the wilds so they could observe the grizzlies. The help them set up camp and gave them a radio and insisted that they call in every day.
All went well for five days but on the fifth day, the scientists did not call in. The rangers gathered up their equipment and traveled to the camp only to find it completely destroyed and blood on the ground. They were concerned for the safety of the scientists and also feared an international incident so set out to find out what happened to the Russian and Czech scientists.
These were experienced rangers and while tracking the grizzlies figured out that there were actually two bears, a big female sow and even bigger male boar. They finally caught up to the bears and managed to shoot one and the other ran away. They approached the bear only to find that it was the female grizzly. They cut it open and decided that she had eaten the Russian scientist.
One Ranger looked at the other and said: "You know what this means, don't you?"
The other ranger shook his head and said: "Yeah, it means the Czechs in the male."
All the Best, Tom
I'm sure you've heard about the Russian and Czechoslovakian scientists who had dedicated their lives to the study of the great bears. Of course all the great bears have long since been hunted to extinction in Europe and pushed to the far frontiers in Russia. So the two scientists begged and pleaded to be able to come to the US to study grizzly bears. It was pretty much impossible until all the changes had occurred in Russia but at long last their Visas were approved and they ended up at the Ranger Station in Yellowstone National Park. The rangers were very patient and gave their standard spiel about grizzlies but that wouldn't do for the Russian and Czechoslovakian scientists. They insisted that they had studied the great bears and now wanted to see them in their natural habitat.
The rangers were very patient but the scientists insisted and finally they agreed to take them out to the wilds so they could observe the grizzlies. The help them set up camp and gave them a radio and insisted that they call in every day.
All went well for five days but on the fifth day, the scientists did not call in. The rangers gathered up their equipment and traveled to the camp only to find it completely destroyed and blood on the ground. They were concerned for the safety of the scientists and also feared an international incident so set out to find out what happened to the Russian and Czech scientists.
These were experienced rangers and while tracking the grizzlies figured out that there were actually two bears, a big female sow and even bigger male boar. They finally caught up to the bears and managed to shoot one and the other ran away. They approached the bear only to find that it was the female grizzly. They cut it open and decided that she had eaten the Russian scientist.
One Ranger looked at the other and said: "You know what this means, don't you?"
The other ranger shook his head and said: "Yeah, it means the Czechs in the male."
All the Best, Tom
"Consult the Book of Armaments"
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Doc Jones
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A radiologist and internist a surgeon and a pathologist go duck hunting.
As the first group of ducks flies over the internist stands up aims his gun then lowers it, aims and lowers, aims and lowers. Soon the ducks are out of range without a shot being fired.
The other doctors ask "why didn't you shoot?" The internist replies "well I could see they were ducks but I wanted to rule out all the other possibilities"
The Next group of ducks comes and the radiologist stands up aims his gun then lowers it, aims and lowers, aims and lowers. Soon the ducks are out of range without a shot being fired.
The other doctors ask "why didn't you shoot?" The radiologist replies "well I could see they were ducks but I wanted to get a few more views"
A third group of ducks flies over. The surgeon jumps up kicks down the blind and fires his shotgun from the hip BAM BAM BAM BAM!
Birds fall from the sky. The surgeon picks up the dead birds tosses them to pathologist and says "here, see if they're ducks"
Cheers Tyghress
Doc
As the first group of ducks flies over the internist stands up aims his gun then lowers it, aims and lowers, aims and lowers. Soon the ducks are out of range without a shot being fired.
The other doctors ask "why didn't you shoot?" The internist replies "well I could see they were ducks but I wanted to rule out all the other possibilities"
The Next group of ducks comes and the radiologist stands up aims his gun then lowers it, aims and lowers, aims and lowers. Soon the ducks are out of range without a shot being fired.
The other doctors ask "why didn't you shoot?" The radiologist replies "well I could see they were ducks but I wanted to get a few more views"
A third group of ducks flies over. The surgeon jumps up kicks down the blind and fires his shotgun from the hip BAM BAM BAM BAM!
Birds fall from the sky. The surgeon picks up the dead birds tosses them to pathologist and says "here, see if they're ducks"
Cheers Tyghress
Doc
Last edited by Doc Jones on Fri Jun 20, 2003 10:58 am, edited 1 time in total.
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littlejohngael
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- Tell us something.: I've been with Chiff and Fipple since shortly after I bought my first low D. I've learned loads from this community, and I intend to continue to learn and contribute. Many thanks to Dale and everyone who makes this site happen.
- Location: In the middle of a poetic moment ...
SteveK wrote:The Viking Kittens Immigrant Song has dissapeared from it's original site and been replaced with a song about a gay bar. However, I found it here:
http://members.tripod.com/zirstemple/viking_kittens.swf
Steve
Okaaaaaaaaay.....That's just freakish! Funny in a bizarre sort of way, but I'm on the fence as to whether or not to forward it to my cube-mates or not... hehehehe I might do it just to blow their minds ... 
And Tyghress, picture this: My two year old son walks into my room last Tuesday night while I'm changing clothes. I've just gotten my shirt off. His eyes widen...
He points... and says, "Big ... big ... BIG TUMMY!" True story. ... I'm on a diet now.
Little John
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Nanohedron
- Moderatorer
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- Tell us something.: Been a fluter, citternist, and uilleann piper; committed now to the way of the harp.
Oh, yeah: also a mod here, not a spammer. A matter of opinion, perhaps. - Location: Lefse country
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Doc Jones
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Two men are hunting when one of them clutches his chest and falls to the ground.
His frantic friend calls 911
"911 what's your emergency" says the operator
"My friend's had a heart attack or something" gasps the hunter "I think he's dead!"
"OK sir" says the operator "Stay calm. The first thing I want you to do is to make sure he's really dead."
"Alright" says the hunter "Just a minute I'm gonna put down the phone"
The operator hears a single rifle shot then the hunter comes back to the phone
"OK" he says "now what?"
Doc
His frantic friend calls 911
"911 what's your emergency" says the operator
"My friend's had a heart attack or something" gasps the hunter "I think he's dead!"
"OK sir" says the operator "Stay calm. The first thing I want you to do is to make sure he's really dead."
"Alright" says the hunter "Just a minute I'm gonna put down the phone"
The operator hears a single rifle shot then the hunter comes back to the phone
"OK" he says "now what?"
Doc
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Steven
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- Location: Philly area
Dang it Doc! Don't make me laugh like that while I'm at work! You're gonna get me in trouble!Doc Jones wrote:A radiologist and internist a surgeon and a pathologist go duck hunting.
As the first group of ducks flies over the internist stands up aims his gun then lowers it, aims and lowers, aims and lowers. Soon the ducks are out of range without a shot being fired.
The other doctors ask "why didn't you shoot?" The internist replies "well I could see they were ducks but I wanted to rule out all the other possibilities"
The Next group of ducks comes and the radiologist stands up aims his gun then lowers it, aims and lowers, aims and lowers. Soon the ducks are out of range without a shot being fired.
The other doctors ask "why didn't you shoot?" The radiologist replies "well I could see they were ducks but I wanted to get a few more views"
A third group of ducks flies over. The surgeon jumps up kicks down the blind and fires his shotgun from the hip BAM BAM BAM BAM!
Birds fall from the sky. The surgeon picks up the dead birds tosses them to pathologist and says "here, see if they're ducks"
Cheers Tyghress
Doc
Steven
Speaking of hunting...three statisticians go deer hunting. A deer jumps up and the first one shoots but the bullet goes five feet to the left. The second one shoots but the bullet goes five feet to the right. The third one begins yelling "We hit him, we hit him!"
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which is least known--Montaigne
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light
--Plato
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light
--Plato
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Doc Jones
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Just one more then I'll leave you alone.
A man dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter greets him at the pearly gates and says "You know it's about lunch time why don't we go to the heavenly cafeteria and eat and then I'll show you around"
When they get to the cafeteria there is a terribly long waiting line.
The man says "Boy I'm glad I'm with you Saint Peter. I bet we get to go right to the front of the line."
"Oh no" says St. Peter "here in heaven we all wait our turn."
Just then a short old man with a long white beard and dressed in green surgical scrubs comes pushing up through the line.
"Out of my way!" he hollers as he pushes and shoves his way to the front of the line "Out of my way! I'm more important than any of you! Move!"
The man is a little shocked at the scene and says to St. Peter "My goodness St. Peter I thought you said that in heaven everyone waits their turn"
St. Peter rolls his eyes and says "Oh don't mind him. That's God. He thinks he's a surgeon!"
Doc
A man dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter greets him at the pearly gates and says "You know it's about lunch time why don't we go to the heavenly cafeteria and eat and then I'll show you around"
When they get to the cafeteria there is a terribly long waiting line.
The man says "Boy I'm glad I'm with you Saint Peter. I bet we get to go right to the front of the line."
"Oh no" says St. Peter "here in heaven we all wait our turn."
Just then a short old man with a long white beard and dressed in green surgical scrubs comes pushing up through the line.
"Out of my way!" he hollers as he pushes and shoves his way to the front of the line "Out of my way! I'm more important than any of you! Move!"
The man is a little shocked at the scene and says to St. Peter "My goodness St. Peter I thought you said that in heaven everyone waits their turn"
St. Peter rolls his eyes and says "Oh don't mind him. That's God. He thinks he's a surgeon!"
Doc
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chattiekathy
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- Tell us something.: Well dang, I just want to change my password. looking for that correct page! Thank you! Ohh good grief, I get it, you have to be careful who you let in because of spammers, but sigh.... I'm in a hurry, can we move this along please. :)
- Location: South Central PA
More?
Only in America :roll:
>
> 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to>
> your house faster than an ambulance
>
> 2. Only in America......are there
> handicap parking places in front of a
> skating rink.
>
> 3. Only in America......do drugstores
> make the sick walk all the way to the
> back of the store to get their
> prescriptions while healthy people can buy
> cigarettes at the front.
>
> 4. Only in America......do people order
> double cheeseburgers, large fries,
> and a diet coke.
>
> 5. Only in America......do banks leave
> both doors open and then chain the
> pens to the counters.
>
> 6. Only in America......do we leave cars
> worth thousands of dollars in the
> driveway and put our useless junk in the
> garage.
>
> 7. Only in America......do we use
> answering machines to screen calls and
> then have call waiting so we won't miss a
> call from someone we didn't want
> to talk to in the first place.
>
> 8. Only in America......do we buy hot
> dogs in packages of ten and buns in
> packages of eight.
>
> 9. Only in America......do we use the
> word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning
> 'many' and
> 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
>
> 10. Only in America......do they have
> drive-up ATM machines with Braille
> lettering.
>
> EVER WONDER
>
> Why the sun lightens our hair, but
> darkens our skin?
>
> Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
>
> Why don't you ever see the headline
> "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
>
> Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
>
> Why is it that doctors call what they do
> "practice"?
>
> Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you
> have to click on "Start"?
>
> Why is lemon juice made with artificial
> flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
> with real lemons?
>
> Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
>
> Why is the time of day with the slowest
> traffic called rush hour?
>
> Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
>
> When dog food is new and improved
> tasting, who tests it?
>
> Why didn't Noah swat those two
> mosquitoes?
>
> Why do they sterilize the needle for
> lethal injections?
>
> You know that indestructible black box
> that is used on airplanes? Why don't
> they make the whole plane out of that
> stuff?!
>
> Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
>
> Why are they called apartments when
> they are all stuck together?
>
> If con is the opposite of pro, is
> Congress the opposite of progress?
>
> If flying is so safe, why do they call
> the airport the terminal?
Only in America :roll:
>
> 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to>
> your house faster than an ambulance
>
> 2. Only in America......are there
> handicap parking places in front of a
> skating rink.
>
> 3. Only in America......do drugstores
> make the sick walk all the way to the
> back of the store to get their
> prescriptions while healthy people can buy
> cigarettes at the front.
>
> 4. Only in America......do people order
> double cheeseburgers, large fries,
> and a diet coke.
>
> 5. Only in America......do banks leave
> both doors open and then chain the
> pens to the counters.
>
> 6. Only in America......do we leave cars
> worth thousands of dollars in the
> driveway and put our useless junk in the
> garage.
>
> 7. Only in America......do we use
> answering machines to screen calls and
> then have call waiting so we won't miss a
> call from someone we didn't want
> to talk to in the first place.
>
> 8. Only in America......do we buy hot
> dogs in packages of ten and buns in
> packages of eight.
>
> 9. Only in America......do we use the
> word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning
> 'many' and
> 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
>
> 10. Only in America......do they have
> drive-up ATM machines with Braille
> lettering.
>
> EVER WONDER
>
> Why the sun lightens our hair, but
> darkens our skin?
>
> Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
>
> Why don't you ever see the headline
> "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
>
> Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
>
> Why is it that doctors call what they do
> "practice"?
>
> Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you
> have to click on "Start"?
>
> Why is lemon juice made with artificial
> flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
> with real lemons?
>
> Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
>
> Why is the time of day with the slowest
> traffic called rush hour?
>
> Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
>
> When dog food is new and improved
> tasting, who tests it?
>
> Why didn't Noah swat those two
> mosquitoes?
>
> Why do they sterilize the needle for
> lethal injections?
>
> You know that indestructible black box
> that is used on airplanes? Why don't
> they make the whole plane out of that
> stuff?!
>
> Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
>
> Why are they called apartments when
> they are all stuck together?
>
> If con is the opposite of pro, is
> Congress the opposite of progress?
>
> If flying is so safe, why do they call
> the airport the terminal?
~*~Creativity is God's gift to you. What you do with it is your gift to God~*~
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BrassBlower
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Variations of this joke are very common in state border towns here in the U.S. (like Fort Smith, AR) - sorry, my Okie friends!Martin Milner wrote:Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six
days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh
day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to
call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.
Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land
mass and said "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Britain, the most glorious place on Earth.There
are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, and hills. The people from Britain
are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be
found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as
diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What
about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the w*nkers I'm putting next to them in France."
https://www.facebook.com/4StringFantasy
I do not feel obliged to believe that that same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
-Galileo
I do not feel obliged to believe that that same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
-Galileo
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StewySmoot
- Posts: 735
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- Please enter the next number in sequence: 1
- Location: NYC
Redneck dog
Redneck Dog
If a dog barks in a forest, and no one hears him, is he still a bad dog?
oooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If a dog barks in a forest, and no one hears him, is he still a bad dog?
oooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Paul
- Posts: 1740
- Joined: Sun Apr 14, 2002 6:00 pm
- Please enter the next number in sequence: 1
- Location: Atlanta, Georgia
Re: Redneck dog
StewySmoot wrote:Redneck Dog