In Add-World ...

[Mitch]

In Add-World:

Babies are always cute and never puke on your shoulder. They often have wings. There is a product that:

1. makes them realy intelligent
2. Makes them smell nicer than the toilet.
3. Every baby problem can be solved with a plastic tower thingy that involves hanging objects and giraffes.
4. Reminds your baby that he has wet his/her disposable diaper - even though last year's model encouraged him/her to poop/pee with impunity.

In Add-World, every body-building gizmo:

1. Advises you to forget the thing they sold you last year and assumes you still have room to store the new one under your bed.
2. Provides proof of the efficacy of the device regardless of the background images showing the buffed-up protagonist in work-out gymns and doing non-gizmo-assisted exercize activities.
3. Is made of tube-steel that obviously costs a fraction of the asking price.
4. Points out that, whatever your body shape is, it is wrong.
5. Portraits a bunch of ideals that you would never aspire to in a zillion years (who invented that cheezy smile anyway - looks more like a grimace disguising pain than a genuine expression of pleasure. Subtext always seems to say "I'm getting paid for this so NYAH!").

Tell me your Add-World observation, and you will get not only the Add-World post - but another one FREE OF CHARGE! You will also get an amazing re-brand of a look-alike-Dremel-tool (that failed to sell), re-purposed to, kind-of, fit the product in-mention!! WooHoo - Who needs steak-knives! Gimme that dremel thing that shines my toenails!! (only 3 easy payments of 49.95)!

[Jerry Freeman]

I have an actor friend who was around during the time when all television, including the commercials, was live, not prerecorded.

He describes a commercial in which two white lab coated "scientists" demonstrated the incredible durability of a new kind of linoleum flooring.

"Now watch, as we drop this sample of new miracle flooring in a vat of concentrated sulfuric acid."

My friend reports that the two pitchmen, live on camera, watched "with expressions of utter horror" as the linoleum fizzled noisily and dissolved into nothing.

Best wishes,
Jerry

[djm]

Perhaps you meant "Ad-World", since you are not referring to any arithmatic operation.

djm

[Denny]

or Ad-ADD-World

[Dale]

Once I received a letter from a therapist marketing her services. She sent it to many people. In it, she announced that she specialized in helping people cope with the "downward spiral of addition." For a second, I thought, hmm, that's an incredibly narrow speciality. Just one of the four basic arithmetic operations?

That's the kind of thing spellcheck just can't help us with.

[peeplj]

In Add-World, driving a new car is shown to be much like the experience of flying an Air Force supersonic fighter, and one would be led to believe that there are no birds, as said new cars never show the stigmata of an aerial baptism.

In Add-World, drinking beer is shown to cause such things as the paroxysmal appearance of beach parties consisting of half-naked teenagers...even if you live in Arkansas and there's timbersleet in the trees.

On the subject of spirits, in Add-World, they never show you the morning after a night spent drinking all of the beverages that they advertise. In Add-World, there are no consequences to bad choices.

In Add-World, Microsoft Word will suddenly give you the ability to write better books than Stephen King and J.R.R. Tolkien combined. In Add-World, Windows never crashes. In Add-World, the Internet is both drastically more dangerous and paradoxically much more safe than in real life, where it's neither.

In Add-World, if you use the proper shampoo and body wash, you will suddenly transform into the most handsome man or loveliest woman--just don't mix a girl's shampoo with a man's masculine body-wash, or you may experience things best not described in mixed company.

--James

[Denny]

"downward spiral of addition."

must be a lot of negativity in that

how do ya get it to spiral though?

[Martin Milner]

I just got this one in an email:

A friend has just bought a well-known hair salon and beauty spa in Mayfair.

In the run up to Christmas he’s offering discounts for the party season on all his haircuts, shampoo & blow dries, colouring, beauty treatments manicures, pedicures, facials and waxing.

Simply mention my name when you call and you save 25%.

Antony trained at Vidal Sassoon. After years of running prestigious salons like Harrys at Brompton Cross, opening salons in Italy and Spain and cutting Mick Jagger’s hair he’s set upon his own.

Currently his client list includes many of the VOGUE girls and he is the hair consultant to the VANITY FAIR editorial team.

He also has on board the only long hair specialist in England - Neil Wards Long Hair Clinic. So, if you are growing your hair, or want to know how, come and see Neil.

I loved the idea that you need a special consultancy clinic to help your hair grow longer. Beth pointed out that after years of cutting Mick Jagger's hair, Anthony has finally gathered the courage to set upon his own hair.

Antony is a good name for a hair salon owner though, I'll allow. You wouldn't want a stylist called Nick.

[djm]

You wouldn't want a stylist called Nick.

Or Tucker. Harry might be okay ....

djm

[Coffee]

In ad world you tell your doctor what you want him to perscribe for you.
In ad world you can make yourself more attractive to the opposite gender by simply holding a bottle of beer.
In ad world the Air Force is fun and exciting rather than 12 hours a day spent rebuilding servers...

[fearfaoin]

... the "downward spiral of addition."

That's silly. Addition is obviously an upward spiral.
Subtraction is downward. Multiplication is a sideways
Mandelbrot set, and division looks like a black hole to
the naked eye (to the clothed eye, it's turtles all the
way down).

[emmline]

You wouldn't want a stylist called Nick.

I don't know, I probably would. He wouldn't stealth-trim my scraggly grow-out into bangs when I wasn't paying attention.

[djm]

He wouldn't stealth-trim my scraggly grow-out into bangs when I wasn't paying attention.

I sure hope you're not talking about bikini lines. TMI

djm

[Mitch]

...
(all that stuff that the new PHP won't support .. imbedded quotes etc

...

I'll use the outdated BBS acronymn here --> ROFL!

And Emm - that reminds me of the famous line in Steel Magnolias where the new hairdresser offers to "trim the froozley bits".

In Add-World:

It's OK to shout at people.

Carbon black is NOT the primary contents of toner cartridges - but it DOES make your eyelashes longer.

A little man pops out of a bottle and polishes your surfaces.

A woman gets upset that there are still stains on her clothes even though she has washed them, hung them to dry, ironed them and put them away. (I presume the act of washing renders people temporarily blind in add-world.)

It is OK to talk about lichen after midnight (you can set your clock on it).

It is OK to talk about talking about Lichen at any time (with video segeues).

SUVs are permitted to shred the environment.

Volvo ownership no longer requires a frontal lobotomy.

It is OK to refer to ads as adds (sorry, that's just me still assuming that the double letter invokes the short intonation of the previous vowel .. dang!)

[Lambchop]

I'm still hoping someone will explain "fallonga." Even conjuring up Crocodile Dundee to say it, I can't fathom what it could mean.