Jokes

[anniemcu]

Two Mexicans are riding along Pacific Coast Highway on a
motorcycle.Theybreak down and start hitching a lift.
A friendly trucker stops to see
if he can help and the Mexicans asks him
for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the truck as he is carrying
20,000 bowling balls. The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they
can manage to fit in the back with their bike will he take them and he
agrees. They manage to
squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the truck so
the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is
really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough the Highway Patrol pulls
him over for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying
to which he replies jokingly - "Mexican eggs". The policeman obviously
doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the
back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets on his radio and
calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher
asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. I've got a truck
with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it - 2 have hatched and
they've managed to steal a motorcycle already".

---

Really, guys, I'm sorry, but I am purging old emails, and these just wouldn't leave me alone!

[anniemcu]

Argh... another one!

TEXAS GENTLEMAN




A Texas gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

/FONT>She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After redig the note, the Texan decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, a Porsche Turbo, Toyota Pri us and Matrix, in my garage, beautiful homes in Aspen , Colorado and Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."

[anniemcu]

An Amish boy and his father

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father , not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . .
"Go get your mother."

[jim stone]

Ben and Sol are walking by a Catholic Church and
they see a sign: One Thousand Dollars to Anyone Who Converts.

So Sol goes inside to check it out. Ben waits and waits,
then, finally, Sol comes out:

'What happened?' Ben asks.

'I converted,' Sol replies.

'Did they give you a thousand dollars?'

'Is that all you people ever think about?'

[anniemcu]

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D.

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

This is how it develops:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the study to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

----the car isn't washed,

----the bills aren't paid,

----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

----the flowers don't have enough water,

----there is still only 1 check in my check book,

----I can't find the remote,

----I can't find my glasses,

----and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.

GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.

LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.

P.S I just remembered.

I LEFT THE WATER RUNNING IN THE DRIVEWAY!

[Doc Jones]

A priest, a rabbi and an evangelist are camping and get to bragging around the fire. The Priest says; "My religion is so great I'll bet I could even convert a grizzly bear".

"Well", says the evangelist, "If you could so could I". "Me too!" insists the rabbi, not wanting to be left out.

So, the next morning, the three of them set out to the woods to preach to the bears and prove their zeal.

That night the priest and evangelist come back to the camp.

"Well, I told you I could do it" said the priest "I found myself a grizzly and read him the Catechism and baptised him." Next week we're getting together again for his first communion."

"Well I found a grizzly too" said the evangelist "I preached him The Word and he accepted the Lord and got saved!"

Just then the rabbi came limping into camp, torn to ribbons. "What happened to you?" asked the other two.

"Well I found a bear and tried to convert him. You know, in retrospect I'm thinking it would have been beter not to start with the circumcision"

[anniemcu]

Not exactly a joke, per se, but an excellent few moments' entertainment.

---

"Patriots, are you frustrated by the number of unprovoked skwerl attacks that occur every year? Are you also appalled by apologist skwerlhuggers who make excuses for their nutzy overlords' transgressions? Oh, the poor little squirrel must have been sick... Oh, the poor little squirrel must have been hungry... Oh, the poor little squirrel must have been provoked by the baby in the stroller...

Well, the following news brief has all of the elements above, but there is a difference... "

http://www.scarysquirrel.org/vacation/germany/

[anniemcu]

Beware of Scams!

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, I have even done it myself unintentionally, but this one is real and very important. Send this to everyone on your list.

If someone comes to your door saying they are checking for ticks due to tick borne diseases and the warm weather, and they ask you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up. DON'T DO IT!! It's a scam!! They only want to see you naked.

I wish I would have got this email yesterday I feel so stupid.

[anniemcu]

Oh God... do they never end?!?!?


--

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke! ..... And well worth the wait !!!!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work
on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and
cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I
'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, " Burritos again! If I
get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond guy opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a
burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the
bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never
would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos
or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife
said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

[jim stone]

Two Irish men are digging a ditch in the street outside a brothel.
A protestant minister walks up to the door, knocks, and goes
inside.

Do you see that Clancy?

Aye Paddy, the protestant ministers are going to the dogs.

Awhile later a Jewish rabbi walks up to the door, knocks,
and is ushered inside.

Do you see that Clancy?

Aye Paddy, the Jewish rabbis are going to the dogs!

Awhile later a Catholic priest walks up to the brothel, knocks
on the door, and is ushered inside.

Do you see that Clancy?

Aye Paddy. Somebody must be terribly sick in there!

[Bubbie]

Oh God... do they never end?!?!?


--
anniemcu

Oh anniemcu...one can only hope!!!!!

Sorry...I guess that was a rhetorical question.


--
God

[devondancer]

Lesley will love these: perhaps I should save them until she has enough energy to laugh!
Ro

[Innocent Bystander]

A Texan is visiting Europe, and decides to go out into the countryside to see what European farms are like. So he finds a Farmhouse with a farmer working outside and decides to ask him a few questions.
"So just how much land do you farm, anyhow?"
"I have that field there, this field, those two over there and another two at the back. "
"Is that it? My my. Let me tell ya, I have a car and I get up at dawn and drive around the boundaries of my property, and when night falls I haven't finished the full circuit."
"Really?" asks the European.
"Yep, true fact," says the Texan.
"Tsk," Says the European, "I used to have a car like that..."

[djm]

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'

The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office, puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and
zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's reference to his
'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.'

djm

[chas]

A Texan was out in San Francisco for a conference. Every time there was a break he would boast about how big and great things were in Texas. He was the only one in town for the conference who stayed over Friday night, so one of the SF natives went out for dinner and drinks with him. The native took him up to the Golden Gate Bridge and asked, "So, do you have anything like this in Texas?"

"No, I can't say as we do. Say, I gotta pee."

"Me too. It's late enough I think we can just go over the side of the bridge. "

So they both open their flies and start peeing. Then the SF guy says, "Geez, this water is cold."

The Texan replies, "Yeah, deep, too."