Jokes

Zax · Post by **Zax** » Fri Aug 31, 2007 1:29 pm

Flogging Jason wrote:" The Irishman picks up the fly and screams at it, "give it back you basmati!".

FanTASTIC!!

brewerpaul · Post by **brewerpaul** » Sat Sep 01, 2007 5:42 am

I think it was someone here on the board who posted an ADD joke written by her own ADD son. It's become one of my favorites:

Question: How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: Wanna go ride bikes?

Flogging Jason · Post by **Flogging Jason** » Sat Sep 01, 2007 6:06 am

How many Klingons does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A true Klingon warrior is not afraid of the dark.

Flogging Jason · Post by **Flogging Jason** » Sat Sep 01, 2007 6:07 am

How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they screw in dirty sleeping bags.

Post by **Nanohedron** » Sat Sep 01, 2007 11:55 am

...And mice? Just two...but you wonder how they got in there in the first place.

This isn't a joke, but it happened, and this is as good a place as any to relate it: not long ago there was this huge walk-a-thon for breast cancer going by my apartment building all day, and there were some pretty silly getups among them, but the very best was this woman who had hand-lettered her t-shirt with the legend, "SAVE THE RACKS". Now THAT was funny.

Folkwench · Post by **Folkwench** » Sat Sep 01, 2007 4:20 pm

How many folkies does it take to change a light bulb?

20

One to change the light bulb. Nine to sing about how good the old one was, and ten to walk out because it's electric.

fel bautista · Post by **fel bautista** » Sat Sep 01, 2007 5:08 pm

Folkwench wrote:How many folkies does it take to change a light bulb?

20

One to change the light bulb. Nine to sing about how good the old one was, and ten to walk out because it's electric.

I like that...Assume old voice...:I remember Newport in 65 or was it 66....when Bobby came on with that damned electric..."

djm · Post by **djm** » Sat Sep 01, 2007 6:28 pm

I received this one from someone named Dr. P.:

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the years, the woman tightened the knob often, and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, she returned to the surgeon with two concerns. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've turned the knob many times, and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First of all, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She replied, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

djm

Folkwench · Post by **Folkwench** » Sat Sep 01, 2007 8:28 pm

Santa Claus was having a really bad day.

The elves all had the flu and the toy production was falling behind schedule. Mrs Claus was PMSing and he wasn't game to go any where near her, and the reindeer were discussing strike action with their union reps because they weren't getting paid double time on public holidays.

Santa went in to the kitchen to make a nice cup of tea and as he was making it the sugar bowl slipped from his hand and shattered on the floor, so he went to get the broom to sweep up the mess, only to discover that mice had eaten all the bristles. He was getting angrier and angrier, and starting to use some very unSanta like language.

Suddenly there was a knock on the front door, so he stamped down the corridor to see who was there, knocking over the hat stand on the way. When he opened the door there, on the doorstep, was a tiny little angel with an enormous christmas tree. The angel smiled brightly and said "Hello, Santa. where would you like me to put this?"

So now you know why christmas trees have a angel on top

fel bautista · Post by **fel bautista** » Sat Sep 01, 2007 9:22 pm

bu-da-Bing- bu-da-boom

Caroluna · Post by **Caroluna** » Sat Sep 01, 2007 10:06 pm

My mother in law used to tell this joke. If anyone complained about something she'd just made for dinner, she'd come out with the punchline.
I miss her a lot. She was a fun lady.

A bunch of guys are out on an extended hunting trip. They draw straws the first day to see who is stuck with the job of being camp cook. The loser won't be able to spend as much time hunting, since he'll have to fix dinner. One guy draws the short straw and says "OK, OK, I'll do it. But I'll only cook until I hear the first complaint. Then that person will have to be cook." They all agreed.

After a couple of days with no complaints, the cook was getting frustrated. He started burning the food on purpose, cooking the worst meals he could think of, and the other guys just kept saying how great everything tasted.

Finally, the cook got so furious that he went into the woods and collected as much deer poop as he could possibly find and cooked that up.

That night, the first hunter to taste the stew made an awful face and blurted out "this stuff tastes like sh*t!"
...then he quickly added "But good! But good! "

mukade · Post by **mukade** » Sun Sep 02, 2007 2:34 am

A recent email discussion about tax brought this oldie to the surface...

What do pelicans, penguins and the taxman have in common?

They can all shove their bills up their arse.

Mukade

anniemcu · Post by **anniemcu** » Sun Sep 02, 2007 5:09 pm

There was this man who had lost one of his arms in an accident. He found life difficult after that, and became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar, juggle, play cards, and a lot of other things that took two arms. One day he simply could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide. He got on the elevator and went to the top of his apartment building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down 8 stories, and saw a man going by on the sidewalk below, skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He thought there was something oddly different about the man, and so looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.

He stepped back, thinking, 'what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with. Yet, there goes a man with no arms, skipping down the sidewalk, as happy as a lark, and going on with his life.'

He hurried down and rushed up the street, until he caught the man with no arms. He told him breathlessly how glad he was to have seen him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly, useless and had been about to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said that now he knew he could make it with one arm.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. The 'One-armed' man was surprised. Smiling, he asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

The armless man said, "I'm NOT happy. My arse itches."

Jerry Freeman · Post by **Jerry Freeman** » Sun Sep 02, 2007 5:35 pm

Woman walks into a drug store. Says to the pharmacist, "Where's the talcum powder?" The pharmacist says, "Walk this way, please." The woman says, "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder."

Best wishes,
Jerry

djm · Post by **djm** » Sun Sep 02, 2007 5:42 pm

No, walk this way!

djm