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Congratulations wrote:

chas wrote:I don't think I've seen in the thread: How do you think she'll take it?

I'm mostly in the dark about this, but if I had to guess:

There is a slim possibility that she's guessed. That would change things significantly. But if it goes the way I predict, she'll be caught extremely off-guard, she'll cry a lot, and then maybe half an hour later she'll want to talk. And once she's able to sit down with me, and hear me talk about it, and she can see that I'm okay with this, that it's not something that's hurting me or anything, I think she'll come around. It'll take a while from there for her to fully comprehend, but that's my guess. Above all, she loves her children with everything she has, and I have to believe that that fact will make all of this come together.

Never, at any time or place, underestimate the knowledge a Mother has about her children. She may not know you are Gay but I would bet that she has a pretty good idea.
On the odd occasion that this topic comes up in my circle I always ask"If you found out that your child was Gay would you love them any the less?", I have never got a negative answer.
Bite the bullet and get it out of the way,you're a witty, healthy and very polite, charming dude. Virtues anybody would admire in one of their children. I can understand how awkward it will be for you but you will cross bigger bridges than this as time passes.
If her husband has a problem with it that's tough but he'll just have to deal with his own phobias and get on with it.

Hang tough Bro and keep it honest and true...it'll all work out in the end.

Slan,
D.

OR

You can send her a note saying you are starting to think you may not be gay after all, which gives her the leeway to be surprised that you ever thought you were gay, the space to be relieved you don't think you're gay after all, and the opportunity for her to talk you into believing you really are gay in spite of a few momentary self-doubts.

<feckin' brilliant!>

djm

I'll be praying for you guys

Your Mum will also notice that you've been prowling around with something on your mind more than usual.

I'd be inclined against the letter, but then I know nothing about the people involved. It would be a lot different, I think, if you actually placed the letter in her hand, from your hand.

Anyway, Mums seem to have this affection for their offspring. Not always, but I've noticed it time and again.

Best of Luck, Congratulations, and I hope it goes well.

May the Force be with You!

Congratulations wrote:

chas wrote:I don't think I've seen in the thread: How do you think she'll take it?

I'm mostly in the dark about this, but if I had to guess:

There is a slim possibility that she's guessed. That would change things significantly. But if it goes the way I predict, she'll be caught extremely off-guard, she'll cry a lot, and then maybe half an hour later she'll want to talk. And once she's able to sit down with me, and hear me talk about it, and she can see that I'm okay with this, that it's not something that's hurting me or anything, I think she'll come around. It'll take a while from there for her to fully comprehend, but that's my guess. Above all, she loves her children with everything she has, and I have to believe that that fact will make all of this come together.

I suggest you write the letter, but you give it to her in person, and say something like "I want you to read this, and afterward I'd like to talk about it with you. Take your time, I'll be in the kitchen."

That way you get to express exactly what you want in writing, she gets to react however she wants without being watched, and then you can talk about it as soon as she's ready.

avanutria wrote:

Congratulations wrote:

chas wrote:I don't think I've seen in the thread: How do you think she'll take it?

I'm mostly in the dark about this, but if I had to guess:

There is a slim possibility that she's guessed. That would change things significantly. But if it goes the way I predict, she'll be caught extremely off-guard, she'll cry a lot, and then maybe half an hour later she'll want to talk. And once she's able to sit down with me, and hear me talk about it, and she can see that I'm okay with this, that it's not something that's hurting me or anything, I think she'll come around. It'll take a while from there for her to fully comprehend, but that's my guess. Above all, she loves her children with everything she has, and I have to believe that that fact will make all of this come together.

I suggest you write the letter, but you give it to her in person, and say something like "I want you to read this, and afterward I'd like to talk about it with you. Take your time, I'll be in the kitchen."

That way you get to express exactly what you want in writing, she gets to react however she wants without being watched, and then you can talk about it as soon as she's ready.

I like this idea. You will have my prayers, of course, and I hope it goes well for you and your mom. All the best sir!

Sending good thoughts your way.
You've got some courage on you to be doing this; I'll raise a glass to ye when I get home from work.
Good luck.

Congratulations wrote: Above all, she loves her children with everything she has, and I have to believe that that fact will make all of this come together.

As the Mom of 4 sons, I have to agree with this very intuitive statement. You are safe. However you do it, you have my best wishes. It's not the end of the world, it's who you are. And you are fine.

M

Whistlin'Dixie wrote:

Congratulations wrote: Above all, she loves her children with everything she has, and I have to believe that that fact will make all of this come together.

As the Mom of 4 sons, I have to agree with this very intuitive statement. You are safe. However you do it, you have my best wishes. It's not the end of the world, it's who you are. And you are fine.

M

I think that's the crux of it. You give a very strong impression of being both comfortable with who you are and fluent in explaining yourself. It would be hard for your mom to sustain 'Where did I go wrong?' thoughts when it's so blindingly obvious that she didn't go wrong.

Well, I did it. This morning. I did give her the letter, but I gave it to her myself. Ironically, I didn't read those suggestions until after I'd done it, but it worked out. I could hear her come up and down the stairs to my room a few times, so I knew she was struggling to come in. I just sort of hung out, and waited.

Eventually, she came in. She was calm, she'd been crying but she was okay. We talked for a while. Not one of those multi-hour talks you hear about in a lot of coming out stories, but we talked about a lot of stuff. She said she was fairly aware that I was gay, which caught me off guard. I apparently haven't given her enough credit. The only thing that concerns me is that I can tell she still thinks this is a choice I've made. And I told her that if she'd gone through it like I had, if she could stand where I'm standing, it wouldn't even occur to her that it could be a choice. And she admitted that she's going to have to get over the feeling that she's done something wrong; she cited the divorce and the (very true) fact that she's overbearing as "causes." I think she knows intellectually that it's not her or anyone else's fault, but she still believes it emotionally. She also said several times that I should "remain openminded" about letting girls into my life, that I shouldn't avoid them just because they're girls. I wanted to say, "Okay, I'll avoid them because I'm not attracted to them?" but I didn't.

At any rate, the overriding sentiment from her was that she loves me and genuinely wants to help me through it. She started talking about telling the rest of the family today, and I had to calm her down. Baby steps, you know.

Good on you.

see, that wasn't so bad, now was it?

I'm glad you've gotten over the "first" hurdle. As for the rest of your family, this may sound harsh, but "who cares". What I mean is, the ones that love you unconditionally, will still love you unconditionally. The ones that take some moral or other stance aren't worth worrying over. It's their loss, not yours.

I'm glad this worked out relatively OK, Congratulations. You're a
brave man. I'm sure your mom will come to terms after the "shock"
wears off.

I have known people who have been disowned by their families,
but this seems to be a minority... A friend in college agonized over
coming out to his mother. She laughed at him, and said, "Finally!"
She'd known way before he had admited it to himself.

Honestly, I don't understand the "choice" camp. Who in their right
mind would choose to subject themselves to that kind of hate if it
could be avoided by simply going along with cultural expectations?

Congratulations on making the big step with your Mom. Sometimes it's hardest to be frank on such intimate subjects with those we love most...after all, the wrong word from a loved one can rend our very soul into shreds.

Don't be too hard on her for thinking in terms of choice, or looking for reasons. Whenever life throws us a curve ball, we instinctively look for a cause so we can avoid such an uncomfortable situation in the future, or at least maintain some semblence of equilibrium. We've all heard someone ask "why, why did this happen to my loved one?" after an unexpected tragedy. We all know there was no reason, but instinct demands that we identify a cause that we can defend against in the future. (Note--I'm not trying to equate homosexuality with a tragedy, just giving an example that will most clearly illustrate the point I'm struggling to make.)
As for choice, having lived all her life as a heterosexual woman, it's not going to be easy at first for her to see things from the perspective of a homosexual man. She's only just started really thinking about it...in time, she'll understand that expecting you to be attracted to women is like asking her to be attracted to women--it's just not in either of you to find women attractive in that way.