Got a question for the parents on the board

[avanutria]

Here's another link, talking to the kid directly. It's got multiple sections, some are applicable and some aren't.

http://pbskids.org/itsmylife/family/homealone/

There's a bit about a code word, you're probably already aware of this:

Set up a "family code word". If someone says they know your family, they'll need the code word to prove it! If they don't know the word, don't go anywhere with the person.

My mom actually needed to use this once with me, a family friend who I didn't remember came to the house to get me. I asked her for the code word and for a second she blanked but then she told me, and I went with her. Turned out my mom was at the hospital and hadn't been able to call me.

[djm]

Just curious: have you put it to her that her hysterical responses are unacceptable, and the main reason why you don't trust her to be left on her own? That may sound a bit blunt, but at least it may get her thinking about the way she has condtioned herself to respond to stress, and modify her behaviour accordingly, i.e. if she wants the responsibility of being left on her own she must learn to act appropriately. Its a decision she must make for herself, but at least she will understand why you are so reluctant.

djm

[DCrom]

Redwolf,

I certainly understand your worries. And concur with the other posters saying "every kid is different".

My two are *very* different - my older girl was much steadier at 12 than her younger sister is now. We didn't have many qualms at leaving Alyssa at home alone at that age, for reasonable (up to an hour) periods - but we have close neighbors, and she had several emergency numbers. And she's a very level-headed. But though Alina's a good kid, we're much less likely to leave her alone for more than short periods of time - she panics more easily, and shows wildly varying amounts of common sense.

Having met Johanna, going by her public behavior I would have put her down on the "more common sense" side - but I've never seen her in an emergency situation. At first, I was surprised that you were asking - then I thought about where you live, and the need for a much higher level of self-sufficiency in an emergency. I can't say you're handling things "right" - but I think I'd make the same choices you are until she learns better self-control in an emergency.

[spittin_in_the_wind]

I haven't read the other responses, but I'd say go with your feelings about this. You know her best, and every child is not ready to be left alone at 12. Some are ready before. Your reasoning is sound for why you don't want to leave her for too long.

Robin

[Whistlin'Dixie]

and never mind the law.

Unless you have particularly odd neighbors, that are just waiting for the opportunity to report anything.....

M

you can't leave your kid at home when she's 12 and when she turns 16 she's aloud to drive a car
anyway there's still the law from above that rules all.
no offence meant Mary.

None taken!

It never occurred to me that there might actually "be" that sort of law, until I left my then 12 year old son in charge of his brothers for a night class I was taking a few years back.
A nosy neighbor found out, and made some statement "wondering" how old a child had to be to legally be left alone at that age in Georgia (where we lived at the time).

As you say, I guess there is always the threat of natural disaster or fire or "odd" neighbor.

Also, I didn't think about fears, but I did after I submitted my contribution to this thread.
I am fully aware of how a person can have all sorts of fears, real or imagined. I am so afraid of heights, I can't really climb a small ladder without breaking into a cold sweat. To my knowledge, I have never fallen from a high height in my life. I can intellectualize this fear all I want, but it exists, nevertheless.
So if your daughter has a fear of unforeseen occurrances, then she may have a tough time overcoming that, and your calm understanding is commendable, in my book, Red.

Mary

[cowtime]

My girls were left alone between the time they got in from school and when I got home from work at that age- about 2 hrs. There were two reasons they were able to do this. One- They had each other. There's only a year between them in age, and two- there were at least 5 skye terriers sharing the house with them. I knew that two of these dogs would defend them to the death. (the others would bark at least and sound scary. ) When the elder would complain about the dogs, I'd remind her that they were the only reason they got to ride the bus home and not go to their grandmothers after school.

You know your daughter. If you don't think she's ready to be home alone, then she probably isn't.

[Caru]

Would she be willing to take a babysitting class? I remember that a lot of my friends took them from the Red Cross back when I was that age. I know you're not asking about babysitting particularly, but that kind of class usually has the kids go through how to handle an emergency as well. It might be easier for your daughter to deal with emergency planning in that context -- a surprising number of people panic for themselve but can deal with difficult possibilities in the context of preparing to help others.

[Redwolf]

Would she be willing to take a babysitting class? I remember that a lot of my friends took them from the Red Cross back when I was that age. I know you're not asking about babysitting particularly, but that kind of class usually has the kids go through how to handle an emergency as well. It might be easier for your daughter to deal with emergency planning in that context -- a surprising number of people panic for themselve but can deal with difficult possibilities in the context of preparing to help others.

I would love for her to take one (and she'd like to as well), but here they're only available to Girl Scouts! I've tried for the past several years to coordinate one (not to mention tried to get her into Girl Scouts, which is only slightly more difficult than getting a child into Harvard), but both are darned near impossible. Very frustrating. Her school even tried to get the Red Cross to come in and teach a babysitting class last year, but no luck.

Cowtime, I can relate to the dog situation. One thing I was saying to my husband tonight is "I'll feel a lot more comfortable about the situation when we have a dog again." One stipulation when I was a kid was that the dog was to be in the house when I was home alone (and I felt a lot more comfortable having him there!). We lost our Cedar so recently that it's just too soon yet, for us, to get another dog, but that will definitely make me feel more comfortable, at least from the human-danger angle.

Redwolf

[avanutria]

That's surprising about the girl scouts entry. I joined a new troop when I was in high school (had recently moved) and I don't remember it being any problem. What have you run into, difficult troop leaders, red tape, or..?

[emmline]

I agree. The reference to girl scouts being difficult to get into strikes me as odd. All of my girls were in troops at one time or other during their elementary years. More often than not though, the leaders had to give it up as too much which led to the troop's dissolution, but I think my girls all would have moved on to other things before 12 anyway.
It's true that there tend to be fewer troops in the middle school and upwards years.

[lesl]

That Scouts thing can be tricky. Both my mom (in nyc years ago) and a
friend here in nj, both had to volunteer to be assistant troop leaders in
order to get first me, and then my girlfriend's kid, to join the troops. Too
many kids, not enough troop leaders. And a waiting list!

Red, I think your intuition is right on. Don't leave her alone if it doesn't
seem right. We have ours trained for years now to bring along something
to do - game, cd player, book, hw, whatever. 12 isn't too old to take
along with you.

[Redwolf]

That Scouts thing can be tricky. Both my mom (in nyc years ago) and a
friend here in nj, both had to volunteer to be assistant troop leaders in
order to get first me, and then my girlfriend's kid, to join the troops. Too
many kids, not enough troop leaders. And a waiting list!

Red, I think your intuition is right on. Don't leave her alone if it doesn't
seem right. We have ours trained for years now to bring along something
to do - game, cd player, book, hw, whatever. 12 isn't too old to take
along with you.

That's the deal here as well. We have tried to get her into a troop since she was in first grade, but all the troop have been full...even going as far south as Watsonville! There was even a troop that met at her school, but once they had their quota, there was no adding even one more kid. They're extremely rigid about that here...much more rigid than Camp Fire ever was! I volunteered to help, but the only option they gave me was to try to form another troop on my own, with myself as leader (which would have been nearly impossible, as all the girls we knew from school and church were already in established troops and, at the time, I was working as well). We finally gave up and signed her up for the Boys and Girls Club instead.

Personally, I don't think such training should be limited to kids in special clubs, especially clubs with membership limitations, but that seems to be the case, at least in our area. First aid training I can probably get her through our local fire department, but not the babysitter certification.

Redwolf

[avanutria]

Is there a Big Brothers Big Sisters programme near you? Maybe they offer classes like that.

[anniemcu]

"When you are mature enough to handle discussing and practicing what to do in an emergency, you'll be mature enough to stay on your own."

Simple logical consequence of her own choices. That will probably make her fish or cut bait.

Edited to add... though I think 12 is too young myself, and my youngest, a 12yo daughter goes with someone of us rather than be left at home, even with a neighbor that we trust close by. Drawing tablet, books to read, crocheting, a whistle, something to occupy her is always gong with her.