A little comic relief

[Loren]

As a break from all the serious debate going on around here lately, and because I know at least a few folks here enjoy a pint now and then =;^) I thought I'd forward this.....


>THE BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE:
>
>Symptom: Beer is crystal-clear.
>FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
>ACTION: Punch him.
>
>SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the
>room you're in
>FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
>ACTION: See if they have free beer.
>
>SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
>FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
>ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
>ceiling.
>
>SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
>FAULT: Improper bladder control.
>ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about
>house training.
>
>SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
>FAULT: Glass empty.
>ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
>
>SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent
>lights.
>FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
>ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.
>
>SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
>FAULT: You have fallen forward.
>ACTION: See above.
>
>SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
>FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part
>of face.
>ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
>
>SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
>FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
>ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
>
>SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
>FAULT: You are being carried out.
>ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another
>bar.
>
>SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
>FAULT: Bar has closed.
>ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi
>home.
>
>SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colorful
>aspect and
>textures.
>FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
>limitations.
>ACTION: Cover mouth.
>
>SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
>FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
>ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
>
>SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually
>clear.
>FAULT: You have been in a fight.
>ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it
>was them.
>
>SYMPTOM:! Your singing sounds distorted.
>FAULT: The beer is too weak.
>ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
>
>SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
>FAULT: Beer is just right.
>ACTION: Play air guitar.
>
>SYMPTOM: Ugly woman in your sights.
>FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
>ACTION: Up the dosage.
>
>SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
>FAULT: You've been walking into things.
>ACTION: Maintain dosage.
>
>SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in your hands
>FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts.
>ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.
>
>SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
>FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
>ACTION: It's too late, you made an ass of yourself.

[MarkB]

Oh Loren

Your attempt at humour is deservedly welcomed but did you have to tell the complete story of my woe begotten youth.

Yes it did get heavy on this board, I cancelled a rant three times and left it at that. Never thought of humour maybe some sarcasim.

Thanks again

Mark

Mark

[TonyHiggins]

>SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
>FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
>ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
>ceiling.

Back in the day, I was stationed in Germany, hanging out with the boys at a local beer (bier) fest tent drinking beer from those obscene 1 liter glass mugs. I had had enough and was ready to walk home. I didn't want to finish the remaining cup or so left in the mug, so I casually put it under the long wood picnic table and poured it out onto the ground. This guy sitting across from me puts his head up with a wild look in his eye and yells, "Hey! Somebody just poured beer on my foot." I looked at him like he wasn't making any sense. I suspect he wasn't sure if he was or not, so I slid out of my seat and headed home to bed.

[adrianh]

Loren,

That was great. Copied it to the lads in the office and they all appreciated it as well.

Thanks for sharing,

A
><>

[Chuck_Clark]

Is it a mere coincidence that Loren posted this on the same day that the annual list of the top ten party schools came out? I think not. Ah, the joys of a barely remembered youth!

[Loren]

[quote]
On 2001-08-21 09:50, Chuck_Clark wrote:
"Is it a mere coincidence that Loren posted this on the same day that the annual list of the top ten party schools came out?"

Uhh, no comment.

"Ah, the joys of a barely remembered youth!"

Chuck, don't you mean "The joys of a BARLEY remembered (or perhaps forgotten) youth?"

Mark: Well I wasn't going to mention any names....but you've spelled the beans now.

Tony: Tony, Tony, Tony.......

A: I'm sure the boss appreciates your efforts to improve productivity. Glad I could help.


Loren