Blue

Tyghress · Post by **Tyghress** » Fri Jun 20, 2003 8:26 am

So....someone....jokes, please.

p.s. - no reason for the funk but its really wearing on me...I just need something cheery.

burnsbyrne · Post by **burnsbyrne** » Fri Jun 20, 2003 8:37 am

Here are some re-runs
http://chiffboard.mati.ca/viewtopic.php ... light=math
Mike

Jerry Freeman · Post by **Jerry Freeman** » Fri Jun 20, 2003 8:39 am

Hi, Tyghress.

Sorry you're sad.

How about a round of Fling the Cow to cheer you up? (Always works for me.)

http://www.flingthecow.com/flash/

pthouron · Post by **pthouron** » Fri Jun 20, 2003 8:44 am

Speaking of cows:

One cow asks the other cow: "Do you worry at all about this mad cow disease business?"
The other cow answers: "Me? Naw, I don't care: I'm a helicopter!"

Jack · Post by **Jack** » Fri Jun 20, 2003 8:44 am

<a href="http://www.slowart.com/slow/fatties/fatcoke.jpg">Me</a>.

Martin Milner · Post by **Martin Milner** » Fri Jun 20, 2003 8:52 am

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six
days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh
day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to
call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.
Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land
mass and said "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Britain, the most glorious place on Earth.There
are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, and hills. The people from Britain
are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be
found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as
diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What
about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the w*nkers I'm putting next to them in France."

chattiekathy · Post by **chattiekathy** » Fri Jun 20, 2003 8:53 am

Here you go Tyg, Sorry, couldn't resist!!!!

Hope this doesn't make it worse! Feel better soon!

>
> Two peanuts walk into a bar.
> One was a salted.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> A jumper cable walks into a bar.
> The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> A sandwich walks into a bar.
> The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says
> "A beer please, and one for the road."
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
> The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> Two cannibals are eating a clown.
> One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
> "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
> "Is it common?"
> "It's not unusual."
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
> Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
> "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
> "It's true, no bull!"
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Two hydrogen atoms meet.
> One says "I've lost my electron."
> The other says "Are you sure?"
> The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Answer-phone message:
> "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog's cross-eyed,
> Is there anything you can do for him?"
> "Well" says the vet "let's have a look at him."
> So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, checks his teeth, etc.
> Finally he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
> "What? Just because he's cross-eyed???"
> "No, because he's really, really heavy."
> -----------------------------------------------------
> Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese.
> And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them.
> It's either my mum, or my dad......or maybe my older brother Colin.
> Or my younger brother Ho-Chi-Choi.
> But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
> -----------------------------------------------------
> I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him fifty bucks that he
> couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
> He said "No, the steaks are too high."
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
> He was pulled in by a strong currant.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
> in the craft, it sank.
> This proves once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat
> it too.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Two fish are in a tank.
> One says to the other "I'll man the cannon, you drive."
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> What do you call a fish with no eye?
> A fsh.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
> The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

Cheers,
Kathy

blackhawk · Post by **blackhawk** » Fri Jun 20, 2003 8:53 am

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says "Why the long face?"

Jerry Freeman · Post by **Jerry Freeman** » Fri Jun 20, 2003 8:57 am

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Jack · Post by **Jack** » Fri Jun 20, 2003 9:05 am

http://www.laugh2day.com/pics/nun.jpg

Zubivka · Post by **Zubivka** » Fri Jun 20, 2003 9:25 am

Martin Milner wrote:

... and for a moment I thought I was reading Turner's post.

Oh-là-là, c'est la guerre? You sillee knnnnigggett with your sillee Qkkkween and boiled crazy cow meat, this settles it. I cancel my order of a Rose, and will melt publicly a Dixon during Mesquer's Ceilid 4, 5, 6th July--be there folks!.

Also, I don't want a Tryoomph motorbike now. I'll take the Cowasakee instead. And if I won't remove the Union jack "ornating" my bicycle seat, it's only because I sit on it and f*rt in its general direction!

TomB · Post by **TomB** » Fri Jun 20, 2003 9:32 am

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a vet. As she lay her pet on
the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened the bird's
chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away".

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something?"

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning
a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's
owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put
his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the parrot from
top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his
head. The vet patted the dog and took it out but returned a few
moments later with a cat! The cat jumped up and also sniffed
delicately at the bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed
and ran out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said,
your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably ... dead."

He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced
a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in
shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my
bird is dead?!"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only
have been $20 for the office visit, but........what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan..."

All the Best, Tom

SteveK · Post by **SteveK** » Fri Jun 20, 2003 9:34 am

The Viking Kittens Immigrant Song has dissapeared from it's original site and been replaced with a song about a gay bar. However, I found it here:

http://members.tripod.com/zirstemple/viking_kittens.swf

Steve

pthouron · Post by **pthouron** » Fri Jun 20, 2003 10:05 am

Martin Milner wrote:Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six
days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh
day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to
call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.
Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land
mass and said "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Britain, the most glorious place on Earth.There
are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, and hills. The people from Britain
are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be
found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as
diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What
about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the w*nkers I'm putting next to them in France."

jim stone · Post by **jim stone** » Fri Jun 20, 2003 10:10 am

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
Because he heard the referee was blowing fowls.