OT - My mother's mother died today...

[squidgirl]

I feel awkward calling my parents' house. I feel as if I should let my mom grieve without interfering. It's strange.

I often feel like the most sensitive way to let people handle difficult situations is to give them time alone, but OTOH I'm not sure that's not just a reflection of the fact that I cope with things best via solitary time, and therefore project that need onto others.

When each of my parents died, I found that what I needed most from other people was so odd and idiosyncratic it was hard for me to ask for it -- after my mom died, I wanted people to go to midnight movies with me, and after my father died, my only consolation was chain-smoking on a certain friend's back porch (it had a great sunset view, and there were usually people hanging out inside so I didn't feel lonely).

You could just tell your mom right out front that whatever she might want you to do with her or for her, whatever might help her feel better, no matter how eccentric it might seem, she shouldn't be afraid to ask you.

Noel

[Chuck_Clark]

My most sincere condolences, Jessie.

My family went though an almost identical experience a decade ago, except that it was my aunt, the unmarried daughter, that wound up caring for grandma and refusing to institutionalize her after she'd spent a lifetime alienating her son (my dad) and most of her grandkids. I only mention this to lead to the end result. My aunt, once her grieving was over, finally got the chance to actually live outside of grandma's active and then invalid-based dominance. She became a much happier and more satisfied person and finally got the quality of life that circumstance and guilt had denied her.

May your mother's grieving eventually end in acceptance and happiness for all of you.

[BillChin]

Jessie, let me add my sympathies.

This year is the cycle of life with your newborn, and with your grandmom passing away. Someone told me that was a good answer for little kids when the kid asks, "why do people die?" That death is part of the cycle.

My grandmother passed away in March. It was a very similar situation to yours with my mom spending most of her day caring for grandma. I spent some time with grandma in the hospital, playing my whistles for her. Every night before leaving, I would close with “Ribbons of Light.”

Blessings to you,
Bill

Lyrics:
Pick up the thread, slowly we weave.
Criss-cross and back, tapestry seams.
Ribbons of life, ribbons of light,
Follow the thread and see where it leads.

http://www.concertina.net/tunes_convert.html
ABC:
X:1
T: Ribbons of Light
R: Slow aire
C: Bill
A: melody
M:5/4
L:1/4
Q:1/4=100
K:D
| F F F F2 | E D E F2 |
| F F F G2 | F E/ D/ E D2 |
| A G F E2 | A G F E2 |
| G F/ E/ G2 D | E F D3 |

[Walden]

My condolences.

Death in the family is always a difficult situation.

I wish the best for you.

[livethe question]

I'm sending warm thoughts to both you and your mother.

[Loren]

Jessie, my heart and thoughts go out to the whole family.

L

[peeplj]

Jessie, you and your family have my kindest thoughts and warmest wishes.

--James

[JessieK]

Thank you.

The hardest thing for me now is that, since it's all over, I am reflecting on my lack of understanding of my mother's experience of this (the drawn-out illness), and I feel so terrible. I have been apologizing to my mom, but she doesn't want to let me off the hook. She agrees with me that I wasn't as I should have been. She says she hopes I treat her better when she is dying than I treated her mother (I basically ignored her mother once she forgot everything and everyone). I have approached this whole thing with logic and have neglected to give my mom the support she needed (it's a good thing she has my dad!), and now she doesn't even want to talk or hear about it. I want to resolve it and yet there is nothing I can do right now. My mom does want to be alive, though (as opposed to just exist), and she is coming over tomorrrow to see Joey (who has started talking!) and stay over. My dad is coming on Thursday (they'll both be able to be here and they won't need a babysitter for Esther, because she's gone). I am hoping to make it a good visit for my mom. I tend to let her do housework when she's here. Not this time. This time I will make her a bubble bath and bring her chocolate (leftovers that I am not eating because of my diet).

[thurlowe]

Other people have expressed themselves much better on this sad subject than I can. I just have the mute belief that you are on a courageous path that will bring joy and fulfillment to you and the ones you love. All my best.

Cara

[chattiekathy]

My condolences to you, and your mom Jessie. I hope that you have a wonderful visit with your mom and I think that being with you and little Joey is the best thing to help her through this.

Best wishes,
Kathy

[cj]

My condolences to you and your family--Alzheimer's is a merciless disease.

[anniemcu]

... I hope, between now and the end of my mother's life, I will become a daughter worthy of her.

Sometimes life's greatest lessons hurt... I think the very fact that you feel this now means that you are already on that road... hugs and comfort to you and to your mother. May your grandmother's soul find peace.